A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Rejection Lines By Women - What They Mean 10. I think of you as a brother... You remind me of that banjo player in "Deliverance." 9. There's a silent difference in our ages... I don't want to date my Dad. 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way... You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now... I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys. 6. I've got a boyfriend... I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. 5. I don't date men where I work... I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system,' much less the same building. 4. It's not you, it's me... It's you. 3. I'm concentrating on my career... Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you. 2. I'm celibate... I've sworn off only the men like you. 1. Let's be friends... I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!"
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There was an attractive blond on the elevator when an attractive man got on. They went up a couple of floors and the man didn't say anything so the blond thought she would initiate a conversation. She said to the man:
T G I F
The man turned and looked at her and said:
S H I T
The blond was taken aback a little but thought maybe the man didn't understand, so she repeated:
T G I F
The Man once again replied:
S H I T
Well the blond was insulted:
She asked the man if he didn't understand that TGIF stood for Thank God It's Friday.
The man replied:
Sorry Honey It's Thursday
He said training is going well for the new job, he has no web access though.
He asked me to say HELLO to you all and tell you he misses you.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
PING... Just cuz I want to.
MM
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."
Kerry's manager then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donat ion of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Kerry's campaign manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main isle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation --
"While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. John Kerry is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief."
"John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal (including one that does not even exist)." 'He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply is not to be trusted."
The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, some might say that Senator Kerry is a saint."