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The Advice Goddess
Westword ^ | Amy Alkon

Posted on 05/30/2006 1:33:52 PM PDT by Millee

Is it really bad for straight men to wear thongs? If women don't like men in thongs, why do they go see them at strip clubs? I'm not "metrosexual"; I just like wearing a thong because it doesn't bind around my thighs, bag up, or get all stretched out at the waist. Women wear men's boxers, what's the deal? -- Average Joe

If you really want to know discomfort, bend over on a first date and let a woman see a thong peeking out the back of your Levis. She'll be out of there faster than you can say "my boyfriend Sven."

Life is not one big equality fest. If a man flashes a woman, she'll probably call the police. If a woman flashes a man, he'll probably call Tom Leykis -- the syndicated radio jock who rallies young hotties to hike their shirts for male drivers with their headlights on. There are countless nudie magazines for men, and even a nudie home, the Playboy Mansion. While there is Playgirl magazine for women, there's no Playgirl Mansion; not even a Playgirl guest house to entertain loyal subscribers -- girls with names like Dirk, Buck, and "The Hairy Pirate."

Women, for the most part, don't go to strip clubs to see men in thongs, they go to strip clubs to laugh at men in thongs. Flipping the bird at convention is part of it, but sociologist Beth Montemurro, who watched women watching men strip, said women's motivation is mostly about "having a shared experience" with their friends; you know, like yesterday's Tupperware party -- except the headliner isn't a lady in an apron but a ripped gay guy in a gladiator skirt.

No, women aren't repressed, just different from men. Men have a more visually based sexuality, so they can get physically aroused from pictures alone -- or just from watching a girl wearing three bandaids and a firehat sliding down a greased pole. Most women, on the other hand, need touch, emotional connection, and bit of back-story. They get turned on looking into the eyes of a fully clothed firefighter -- and grossed out by men in tight pants or Speedos, or those who wrap their package in anything silk, satin, leopard, or thong.

Regarding your comfort complaints, keep in mind that underpants, unlike luggage, do not come with a lifetime guarantee. Toss those that have been with you since junior high. Go to a high-end department store, and ask a salesperson to point you toward full-coverage that fits. You just might do a little better than if you're grabbing them three-to-a-pack at Rite-Aid.

Sure, there are a few girls who don't mind or even prefer a man in a thong. Very, very few. Of the 50 or so women I polled this weekend, most said stuff like this:

Nancy: "There is one scenario where this would be okay: He's just had, at the same time, a testicular operation that requires they be strapped tight at all times AND treatment for third-degree burns on his behind, meaning, it cannot be covered in fabric. But, he'd better have some salve and gauze back there!"

Kate: "EUWWWWWWW. I can't even go there on how creepy this is. Commando, fine. Boxers, sure. Tighty-whities, if you must. Pouches, thongs, dance belts, G-strings -- not in my lifetime!"

The consensus was best summed up by my friend Leah: "Any guy who can tolerate a strand of elastic between his buttocks for long periods of time is not straight. However, he can head straight . . . to West Hollywood. Don't forget the chaps!"

BETTER WAIT THAN NEVER

The guy I've had a crush on all year has always flirted like crazy but never asked me out. Six months ago, I suggested we hang out, but he was seeing someone. Two months ago, I saw him at a club. I casually asked about his girlfriend, and he said they were "on hiatus." To make a long story short, he came home with me, and we slept together. He left abruptly at 4:30 a.m., without even getting my number. Is there any way to salvage this? -- Uncharacteristically Dumb

It's hard enough to salvage a one-night stand, but a three-fifths-night stand? Sorry, a guy who ducks out before you can ask how he takes his coffee is never coming back. What you could salvage is a lesson, not on the merits of playing hard-to-get, but being hard-to-get. While patience can be a real buzz-kill in the moment, it's especially unfun when you have to exercise it sitting by the phone for two months trying not to feel used. For future reference, "hiatus" doesn't mean "over," it means "interruption"; as in, a break in a deep emotional connection with the girlfriend to jump in bed with some girl who immediately contradicts her claim, "This totally isn't me."


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Humor
KEYWORDS: dasherisstillgone
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To: najida
Lub?
As in "Complete 3000 mile maintenance checkup"?
21 posted on 05/30/2006 1:57:34 PM PDT by Darksheare ("Oh No! Zombies!" Actually, they aren't. They just haven't had their coffee yet.)
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To: motormouth

Eww...


22 posted on 05/30/2006 1:58:01 PM PDT by RockinRight (She rocks my world, and I rock her world.)
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To: Darksheare

That's LUBE silly,
lub is love with a sinus problem :)


23 posted on 05/30/2006 1:58:30 PM PDT by najida (Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money, dance like nobodys watching.)
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To: Millee
Tighty-whities, if you must.

Yes, I must.

24 posted on 05/30/2006 1:58:34 PM PDT by Larry Lucido
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To: motormouth

Ditto!

It's all about the jeans girlfriend :P


25 posted on 05/30/2006 1:59:08 PM PDT by najida (Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money, dance like nobodys watching.)
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To: Millee
Since Squishy's before photo was so rudely removed....This is Squishy's after photo....
26 posted on 05/30/2006 1:59:13 PM PDT by Feiny (Now go bang your heads on your desks until something useful comes out!)
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To: Millee
Is it really bad for straight men to wear thongs?

YES!

Women don't want to see a man's hairy butt.

These are perfectly acceptable though:

Boxer briefs=sexy

27 posted on 05/30/2006 1:59:30 PM PDT by MotleyGirl70
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To: MotleyGirl70

Ding..ding..ding!! Winner!!!!


28 posted on 05/30/2006 2:00:11 PM PDT by Millee (Tancredo 08!)
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To: Millee

How about a leather codpiece?


29 posted on 05/30/2006 2:00:12 PM PDT by johnny7 (“And what's Fonzie like? Come on Yolanda... what's Fonzie like?!”)
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To: RockinRight

whadda ya mean ewww... I didnt pick out his screen name, I was just commenting on it. ;o)


30 posted on 05/30/2006 2:00:34 PM PDT by motormouth
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To: najida

Oh.
Okers.
It would be kinda odd to have people saying "We LUBE you!"
Of course, with my dating history, it wouldn't surprise me either.
(Thong or not to thong, that's not even a question, run!)


31 posted on 05/30/2006 2:02:25 PM PDT by Darksheare ("Oh No! Zombies!" Actually, they aren't. They just haven't had their coffee yet.)
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To: MotleyGirl70

That Kramer and his Calvins! :-)


32 posted on 05/30/2006 2:02:35 PM PDT by Larry Lucido
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To: MotleyGirl70

Hey!

Posting my pic without my authorization is a clear violation of copywrite.

Expect a cease and dissest order from my battery of lawyers soon.


33 posted on 05/30/2006 2:02:54 PM PDT by Skooz (Chastity prays for me, piety sings...Modesty hides my thighs in her wings...)
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To: johnny7

Post a pic of it & I'll get back to you! ;o)


34 posted on 05/30/2006 2:03:18 PM PDT by Millee (Tancredo 08!)
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To: feinswinesuksass

:::THUD:::


35 posted on 05/30/2006 2:03:24 PM PDT by najida (Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money, dance like nobodys watching.)
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To: najida

Glad you agree, I was waiting for some flames to come my way. LOL


36 posted on 05/30/2006 2:03:26 PM PDT by motormouth
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EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!


ITS A FREEPETTE HIJACK!!!


37 posted on 05/30/2006 2:03:45 PM PDT by HOTTIEBOY (I'm your huckleberry)
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To: MotleyGirl70

Oh golly,
Another :::THUD:::

Is it getting warm in here, or is it just me?!?


38 posted on 05/30/2006 2:04:25 PM PDT by najida (Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money, dance like nobodys watching.)
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To: HOTTIEBOY

Neener,
Neener,
Neener....

Go look at Paris on all fours in a 'kini....


39 posted on 05/30/2006 2:05:21 PM PDT by najida (Love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money, dance like nobodys watching.)
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To: HOTTIEBOY

Save yourself!
I'll hold them off while you hop out the window.
I'll follow, then we run down that alleyway to end up..
..back in this thread?


40 posted on 05/30/2006 2:05:33 PM PDT by Darksheare ("Oh No! Zombies!" Actually, they aren't. They just haven't had their coffee yet.)
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