Posted on 03/03/2006 5:38:05 AM PST by Xenophobic Alien
Heh. Discount divorce.
Hmmm...my boss didn't get THAT memo...
"Sir we've got some bad news and good news."
"What's the bad news?"
"We've just found your wife's body, they've pulled it up from the bay, it was covered in dungeoness and king crabs."
"uhhh, I see, what's the good news?"
"We'll be pulling it up again tomorrow."
An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass."
Oh, Good Lord, stop turning this into a porn thread ROFL...
MM
and No, I will no longer chaperone you two little monsters ;o)
Wrap them up in rice, cucumber, avacado and seaweed.
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3:A M and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.
I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and...
"You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
I was going to say a Barbie one, but that just is perverse! ;-)
6 Kinds of Sex
1. The first is Smurf Sex...This happens during the honeymoon period; you
keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2. The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even on the kitchen table, etc...
3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you
have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4. The forth kind is Hallway Sex... This is the phase in which you pass
each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex
by some.
5. There is also a fifth kind of Sex... Courtroom Sex, this is when you get
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom
6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a
month, but it's not enough to live on...!
Monsters?? I resemble that remark!
Guess we just have to go to our room then...
Funny - and funny timing too, not 5 seconds earlier I was enjoying post #5 here:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1589280/posts
Now that's just sick!
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: Are you ready for this?
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
Yes. That's my dearest friend.
They are dating.
This should last a few weeks.
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