Posted on 10/01/2005 7:36:14 AM PDT by teldon30
Guys, we all know that feeling. That queasy one in the pit of our stomachs, a date with a new lady. No big deal when we were 18, or 21, or maybe even single at 30. But we’ve been married for a while, forgotten how to date and forgotten more about that other species known as females than we now know. Also, truth be told, if we’re completely candid with ourselves, we’ve been spoiled and pampered, accustom to having someone take care of us, make sure that our socks matched, that we didn’t embarrass ourselves at that party. Sex was a given, no need to shower, shave, appear desirable, or even interested. And definitely no need to think about her feelings, wants, desires, or idiosyncrasies on a second by second basis.
Fast forward to the present. You’re separated or divorced. You want to date, want to meet that lady of your dreams, or maybe lots of ladies of your dreams. But marriage or at least divorce has left a bad taste. You’re feeling uncertain about females, uncertain about yourself. You’re not even sure if you’re desirable anymore, or what the present day modern female of the species is looking forward or considers desirable. And, to top it all off, if you’re really candid with yourself, you have no idea how to go about this thing called dating. Heck, you may not be sure you even want to try.
Do women have the same issues? Yes, to a degree. However, women are far better prepared for the single life after marriage than men. Women live and breathe relationships. They’ve thought about them their entire lives. They’ve prioritized their relationships, and their feelings all along, as many of them clearly like to tell us, and so, understand themselves and their situation. Also, women possess a much more evolved emotional support system with lots of girlfriends. They have shoulders to cry on, emote to, get advice from, and generally are well positioned to move forward to this next phase of their life.
What do we men have? Squat- Less than squat. We don’t tend to think about the big “R” word, relationships. We probably didn’t think much about ours. We’re essentially anti-social, with few, if any male friends. Sure, we can talk about the football game or the stock market. But talk about our feelings of insecurity, what we don’t know about women or dating? Hardly! So, we’re generally ill – equipped to approach that most sophisticated and evolved of all animals, the single American female.
So, what’s the secret to getting back to a normal, healthy social life? Sorry, there are no secrets. We’re all different and what works for Bob will be different than for Ted. However, there are seven basic rules that apply to all of us,
The Seven Secrets of Life for the Divorced Guy: (OK, we could do 10, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it!)
1. Take time to know yourself
You’re single again, and just aching to get back out there and mix it up. Hold on there, Trigger. Yes, it’s easy to date and easier to find a female or females to spend time with you. But, do yourself and your partners a favor. Take some time off. Ideally, take a year or so after your marriage to get to know yourself again, your likes, thoughts, and feelings. After all, you’ve not been You for a long time; you’ve been We, perhaps for as long as you can even remember.
It’s critical that you get back that sense of you as a valuable, individualized person. You need to know you before you’re any good for anyone else. Trust me, taking a little extra time initially will pay off later. You’ll be happier with your dating. It will be more meaningful, and you’ll be making fewer mistakes. Take it from someone that made lots.
2. Define and clearly articulate your goals
Ok, don’t laugh here, but true story. When I came out of divorce, I sat down and wrote down the attributes of the female I wanted to meet, date, and be with, in detail, right down to hair color and body shape. Stupid? Yes, but it did provide a focus, and something to plan for. Of course, as I began dating, I found that I really didn’t know myself that well, as most of what I thought I wanted, I found to be wrong/incompatible/silly/impossible, you take your pick.
However, it is very important to define, in a general way, what you’re looking for in dating. Do you want to play? Have fun? Meet someone serious? Have a buddy only? Someone primarily for sex? Whatever you want, you need to be honest with yourself. You need to be able to look at that scraggly face in the mirror in the morning, mussed hair and all, and feel comfortable that you know what you want, and are in the process of finding it. Otherwise, you’re going to find that dating is stressful, unfulfilling, and generally a pain in the behind. And, you certainly won’t get high marks from the female crowd, which hurts all of the rest of us poor unsuspecting males out there, trying to bravely make our way.
So, do us all a favor here in the male kingdom. Know what you want, go get it, and leave the rest alone.
3. Be candid and direct
Guys, we all like low stress. We hate controversy, and wasted energy, especially in dating. What’s the secret to minimizing stress and drama? Ok, one key is avoiding females that like drama, but that’s the subject of another column. Rather, it’s being candid and direct.
I know, I know, you don’t want to tell her at the dinner table that her dress sucks. No, that’s not being candid and direct, that’s being stupid, otherwise known as being honest. A totally different concept.
Rather, what I’m talking about is don’t play games. Don’t tell her you want to get married eventually if you don’t or are not sure. Don’t tell her you want kids, hers included, if you don’t or don’t yet know. Don’t feign a love of sushi if fish, raw or otherwise, is simply not your thing. Rather, put yourself in situations that you like and are comfortable. Do not mislead the female of the species, they get quite a bit more than antagonistic later on when they find differently. And, they will find out the Murphy’s Law of Dating. If It Can Go to Crap, It Will. . It’s far better to spend time with ladies that like the real you than sexy ones that seem fun, but aren’t really compatible.
Men, it may seem counterproductive and take some effort, but you will bring far less angst on yourself in your encounters, as well as earn the everlasting respect of your fellow female journey mates by being candid. They may even add you to the rare Good Guy list and who knows, maybe even set you up with friends that are far more interesting.
4. Be positive
She’s late for dinner. By two hours. Smile. She’s whining, now sending back her second undercooked entree. Smile, and laugh. She tells you about her evil ex-husband and how all he wanted was sex, for the entire three hours of the meal. Smile, even if you have to think about how lucky he is to not be here.
Dating is by definition, stressful. It’s two people, who don’t know each other, who are uncomfortable with each other, and perhaps even with themselves, auditioning in the biggest game in life, a relationship. It’s also a wonderful experience, a chance to meet many, many wonderful people, learn something new about each and every one of them, and grow as a person.
There is no room for being negative, no room for false drama. We’re all trying our best. So what if the date wasn’t perfect, Most aren’t. But, you’ve had another evening with another wonderful person, learned a few things and had a few laughs. And soon, you will meet that one, or two, or multiple, people that you really can’t wait to spend time with.
So, be positive. Convey a positive attitude. Nothing is sexier to a lady than a guy that’s happy, confident, positive, and lets her know that he’s happy to be there with her. If you’re positive, she’s going to find it hard to be less than positive as well. If not, think positive- she’s gone from your life in less than three hours.
5. Learn from each encounter
You use the same three jokes on her that you’ve always used. She frowns, and stares at her food for the rest of the evening. Did you ever stop to think that maybe that off color joke about your ex is not such a good idea? Or, you arrive home from yet another date, feeling beaten and unfulfilled. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps dating women that are aggressive, forceful personalities, that leave little in the way of dialogue or interest in your needs, is probably not what you’re seeking? Yet, you keep going out with that type?
Learn from each experience. After all, you do not have all the answers. We each come out of divorce like babes in the woods. We know nothing, and each experience gives us new knowledge. But, it’s only knowledge if we learn from it.
So, ask yourself after each date, or female, what did I like about her? Dislike? What lessons learned can I take to my next dating relationship? What have I learned about myself that will be important when and if I develop a serious relationship? Don’t assume you have all the answers. I didn’t, and still don’t. But, I’m learning.
6. Navel-gaze
Do more than simply pick lint from your bellybutton. Ladies, sorry if this offends you, but it’s an article addressed to guys. And guys, navel-gazing, as you well know, doesn’t mean straining to see over that well developed stomach area. It means introspection. Dating is an evolutionary experience. The more we date, the more we learn about ourselves. And, the more we learn about ourselves, and what we want from a relationship, the happier we will be, and the happier we will make our partners.
In female vernacular, we aren’t as in touch with our feelings as women are. This is debatable, and the subject of another column. However, it is most certainly true that we men don’t often take the time to consider our feelings. We’re good at thinking, but avoid feeling. So, don’t be afraid to navel- gaze.
7. Have fun
Dating is fun. Meeting delectable members of the opposite sex is fun, hopefully, more than fun. True, there can be a fair amount of drama or associated issues. But, don’t get sidetracked. Don’t engage. Remember, dating is fun. Life is fun, and you should have fun with the entire experience.
So, get out there, enjoy yourselves, make mistakes, learn from them, smile and above all, have fun!
PS-
I need to tell ya'll about my last 'date' (as of about 3 weeks ago).
There was this guy that I talked to on the phone about every other day during the month of August having to do with house stuff. He was funny, professional and took all the various snags with a sense of humor. We ended up chatting and we seemed to have a lot in common.
At one point, after he helped untangle a major financial snag, I said "What can I ever do to thank you!" He said "Meet me for lunch sometime." I thought, OK, so what the heck.
Turns out is office was less than 3 minutes from a satellite building I was going to be at the next day. So we agree to meet at a local watering hole.
He calls the next day, like 5 minutes to noon to make sure I'm going to be there (which I take as a good sign).
Anyhow, this cute as a button, Brad Pitt wannabee shows up and we start chatting up a storm! Whoo hoo!
UNTIL he reaches out for the menu and there it is---
A BIG OLE SHINY WEDDIN' BAND!
Nooooo, not some dainty, I'm tryin' to hide it little fella,
but it's one of those big, laser cut all over, part-of-the-weddingband-set-the-bride-picked kinda weddin' bands.
Yaknowaddamean. >:>
I glare at it,
His hand goes back in his lap.
Anyhow, I go from date mode to big sister mode in 3 seconds. So we had a decent lunch. We also closed a few business details, which was very good. I leave. REALLY miffed.
Oh yeah,
and he called me the next day, with a lame excuse about 'just checking to see if everything cleared at the bank'. Hrmpt.
Datin' ain't for sissies.
There is that fine line between friendship and dating. If he had told you about being married during the previous converstations and then suggested lunch, would you have done it? He may looked at as a friendship lunch or he may have been looking for more, who knows.
I've had that happen to me - but without the ring.
I've asked, "are you married" seven or eight times and they always somehow say, "no" and you find out later they are.
Makes me wanna say - make sure your hubby is wearing a ring. At least most of us will stop when we see that band.
Liars, cheaters and jerks.
Dating ain't for sissies.
His wearing that ring could have been the best thing for you. Maybe he was looking for friendship or a little afternoon delight. (Crap, now I have that song in my head. Where's the closest brick wall????)
Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been 'when it's right, it's right'
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
And we know the night is always gonna be there any way
Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
You know, if he'd mentioned his wife earlier in conversations, then suggested meeting for lunch to finalize business, I would have been OK with it. I wouldn't have been in 'date' mode but in 'geez, I hate all this bank crap' mode.
We are both do-it-yourselfers, so he talked a lot about the things he'd done to his home too. We compared war stories. Not once did he imply that someone ELSE lived in that house with him. Which I think you would do if you were married. Especially during a 'no-kitchen for 3 months' renovation.
Hrmpt.
And Millee,
Tenjewberrymuds,
I now have "Afternoon Delight" running through my head too!
Yeah, you're right. He had something else in mind.
BTW, I'm a huge DIY as well. I was watching TOH with Bob Villa before it became cool and remember Norm Abrams when he could barely stand to be on camera.
Oh, I need to clarify my last post...
My wife and I are huge DIY's.
(adjusting collar..looking slying around) You're not doing your Al Jolson voice are you??
Do you know how to repair wood awning windows?
Do it yourself. There is a DIY channel on cable now. 24/7 of "how to" stuff.
Amen to that. I've got my kids, my work, and my hobbies. That's enough for me.
No, Barry White voice.
I've had lunch with female business associates a lot. I think its become more acceptable in business these days. Keep in mind, when I set these up I always invite others in their firm but if she shows up alone, I don't take it as a signal that she is looking for anything. Now, if she starts rubbing her foot against my leg....
Actually, that has never happened. My wife as asked before if I've ever been approached when I'm traveling (like you see on TV all the time) and I sadly say no. I travel a lot and honestly it has never happened. For one, I wear my ring. For another I guess I don't frequent those types of places but you would think that in 15 years of travel I would at least get approached just once. Just once!! Please, for my own ego, someone approach me!!!!!
Cute story, and entirely believable. My sons call the type "psycho-women"
A loan?
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