I ping thee. :)
YEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!!!! It's here!
Funny Headlines:
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Actual Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Actual Headline: Work after Death
Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Happy Birthday Dad and Hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here's a joke my dad loves to tell:
An old Jewish couple goes to the doctor. The gentlemen is examined and comes out to the waiting room white as a sheet. His wife says, "vat's wrong?" he says, "da doctor told me I have Herpes!"
"Herpes? Vat's Herpes?" she says. "I gotta talk to dis doctor." So she goes in and talks to the doctor.
A few minutes later she comes out laughing. "Vat's so funny?" her husband asks.
"Dat doctor, he's a qvack!" she says.
"Vy you think he's a qvack?" the husband says.
"You can't have herpes!" she snorts. "Herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"
Woo Hoo! IBTZ!
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor. NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________
If NO, please explain _________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ________________________________ If less than your age, explain ________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized tires?___________ A waterbed?_____________A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________ A condom?_______________Pornography?_______________Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________A tattoo?_____________ (IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________ _______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Church you attend ______________________________________________________
How often you attend ___________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________ priest? _______________
mother? _____________ parole officer? _______
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: _____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: _____________________________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is: _____________________________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________ _____________________________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________ Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
How do you know?_____________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back). Have a nice day.
Peep guillotine
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir ".
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her . what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/1408453/posts?page=335
Might be a fun one.
Woo-Hoo!! TGIF
bttt
Good morning "B". Happy Friday.
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