*** OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD ***

Why yes, I believe they did! Time for FRIDAY SILLINESS! AS always, feel free to post jokes, silly pics, nonsensical statements, or even to IGNORE THIS THREAD!

"Apollo, did you hear there's a new GALACTICA series now?"
"Yes, Starbuck, I did, but I don't care. Our new capes make us look THUPER!"

That one's for KevinDavis :)

"We're gonna have silliness is Pennsylvania! And North Carolina! And Tennessee! And Montana! And YEEEEAAARRGGGHHHHH!"

Funny Headlines:

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Actual Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Actual Headline: Work after Death

Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Today is my husband's birthday and I have the day off!!! Woohooo!!! It's also my dad's 85th birthday!! God bless him!

Happy Birthday Dad and Hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's a joke my dad loves to tell:

An old Jewish couple goes to the doctor. The gentlemen is examined and comes out to the waiting room white as a sheet. His wife says, "vat's wrong?" he says, "da doctor told me I have Herpes!"

"Herpes? Vat's Herpes?" she says. "I gotta talk to dis doctor." So she goes in and talks to the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes out laughing. "Vat's so funny?" her husband asks.

"Dat doctor, he's a qvack!" she says.

"Vy you think he's a qvack?" the husband says.

"You can't have herpes!" she snorts. "Herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor. NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________

If NO, please explain _________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ________________________________ If less than your age, explain ________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________

Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized tires?___________ A waterbed?_____________A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________ A condom?_______________Pornography?_______________Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________A tattoo?_____________ (IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________ _______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? ________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
Church you attend ______________________________________________________
How often you attend ___________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________ priest? _______________
mother? _____________ parole officer? _______
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _____________________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: _____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: _____________________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is: _____________________________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________ Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
How do you know?_____________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back). Have a nice day.

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir ".

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her . what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

SLOW DRIVING HABITS

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back
the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never
even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving
habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5
miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of
clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever
had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered
off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not
hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover
myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of
his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he
told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck
driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear
her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him
out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am,
if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

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