YUMMMMM....MRE poundcake with a peanut butter layer, decorated with MRE M&Ms.
Posted on 05/28/2005 11:20:30 PM PDT by Dallas59
This is absolutely superb.....the combination of MREs and the dating experience is explosive. Enjoy....Laugh alot.....remember we in AF strive not to eat MREs, for good reason.
Chez Ranger - by Frank Rodgers
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINATELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an butthole, but it was still a funny night.
"Army food: the spoils of war" -- Unknown author
This isn't for real is it? I mean if it's true, yes he is a butthole and I forsee a long future of dateless Saturday nights.
YUMMMMM....MRE poundcake with a peanut butter layer, decorated with MRE M&Ms.
The mere mention of those dehydrated pork patties and chicken ala king make my stomach cringe. Oh the memories of not being able to go to the bathroom for a week or so after a couple of days of MRE's in the field...
Handy Tip to the Author: Chicks with extreme gastric distress usually aren't interested in wild fun. Try Asian take-out and some good sake.
He served the MREs on china plates, so he must have learned *something* from the AF ;)
ROFLOL! Thanks!
This is the website that Frank Rodgers orginally posted it on. Pretty funny stories.
http://www.soupsandwich.net/index.html
That spicy cheese spread they put in a lot of them isn't bad, but I find most MRE stuff kind of bland. Even the "spicy" things like Chili-Mac is just a lot of chili powder.
But I know quite a few people who really dig MREs and eat them even when there are plenty of other things available.
Add a little of Darks coffee and you'd have quite an evening.
ping!
I know a bad idea when I see one, and THAT is a mssively bad idea.
Sounds like a plan.
Why is your coffee notorious?
I once was accused of making notorious coffee, so I want to compare notes.
Double brewed for that full bodied taste.
In 12 cup drip percolator pot, fill to 6 cup mark with water.
In filter, put 6 heaping scoops of coffee.
Medium roast works best, just make sure it's a robust blend.
Found a maxwellhouse 'medium roast' that was rather anemic.
Put pinch of salt in filter, about as much as it would take to cover the surface of a dime with one even layer.
This keeps the coffee from tasting burned too quickly, it doesn't age well brewed this way.
Brew, recirculate if need be, usually not.
Add sugar and dairy creamer.
Creamora and coffeemate are not recommended unless you like the heart racing that Ranger Pudding gives.
That, and the nondairy creamer will give you both a headache and a buzz with the coffee.
One thing not mentioned was that they did use non-dairy creamer.
I usually put about 8 spoons of sugar in this stuff, it ends up being like Russian Kava, thick and sweet with that bitter overtone to it.
Oh, and I am NOT responsible for seeming demonic possession of the coffeepot, or the coffeepot ending up acting as if it has been damaged.
Be sure NOT to add creamora or coffeemate to the brew, unless you LIKE ranger pudding style heart racing.
When I brew that stuff for myself, I recirculate the stuff to brew a second time, but that's me for my own personal enjoyment, and it may wreck the coffeepot.
Don't forget the salt, it's important to the finished brew.
While eating, I happened to look a the date on the C-ration case cover. It was 1945. I was eating a chicken that had died before I was born.
hey! LOL
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