Posted on 12/20/2004 6:41:03 AM PST by kerouacbal
I am 26 years old and have been married for 2 years. I am having trouble growing up and I am driving my wife nuts. It has gotten to the point that my wife talks about divorce almost every day. I want to work this out more then I every wanted anything but I can't seem to do it or do it quick enough. I can't seem to remember consistently to do every day things like take out the garbage make sure all the doors are locked and the heat is off at night (there is a lot more but won't get into it all). I am posting this here to try to get some advise on how to help my self grow up and start to take care of my wife and son better like a husband should. My parents are dead and I don't have a close family member or friend to get advise from. Could someone please help me.
Look, if you're on the level here, I feel for you. If you really don't have anyone to talk to, do as suggested in post 26 - call around and find a pastor to talk with you. You are not going to get the in-depth help you need here by posts from strangers. This is a serious life issue and you're only get to get superficial discussion here from people who really don't understand you, you wife or what's going on with you. Seriously.
Check your private reply.
Then go by yourself.
For starters, every morning ask God's help through the day....
..it doesn't have to be a fancy prayer....just "Lord, please help me"...
...then, ask your wife what is important that you get done that day....for that day alone...
...then write it down and do it.
If she's halfway eager to making this marriage work as you seem to be, she will appreciate your efforts.
The next day, start again....take one day at a time.
Then, if your wife will not join you in this effort, and only criticizes you....
...you will know you have given it a good try again and again....
...and your conscience will be easier to deal with.
Try very hard to consider your son....and spend as much time with him as possible.
Be kind to your wife even if she's not kind to you....(then you will know you have done your best)...
God bless, I will pray for you.
Good for you for realizing that your marriage is in trouble and that you are willing to change. Every adult has to go through the process of facing their own life and some actually succeed.
My most sincere advise is to seek out spiritual and marital counseling. Marriage is a God thing, not just a legal and domestic arrangement. Without His help, you are faced with struggles that are just too big. Without parents and other close family, you need a network of people that you can depend on to love you through this. A Godly church family can be there for you. You are in my prayers.
It sounds like you may have ADHD....see a therapist.
You don't need counseling from the counselors out there. You're NOT ADD, that's a cop out, more making excuses. You BOTH need to grow up.
Becky
Or die.
Good luck. And curse your parents forever; that's a parent's job one.
I'd say a won't-help-the-marriage-getting-on-the-internet-posting-vanities 10.
Time for both of you to stop what you are doing and recommit to this marriage. 1. Get involved in your religious community and start talking to your religious leader. In my community, our rabbis are our counselors for most issues. 2. Seek out a good marriage counselor and plan to do the daily work required to re-establish your commitment and your trust in your marriage. 3. Get yourself a palm pilot or a daily planner and start writing down what you need to remember to do each day. Don't give up on yourself or your family.
as you are finding out, opinions are like @$$holes - everybody has got one, and while it might be ok for them, for most others they stink.
seek counseling with a qualified professional or hang it up.
Go STRAIGHT HOME from work. Don't stop at a bar or at your friend's house. Don't play computer games at night or surf porn sites. In fact, stay off the computer and spend the evening with your wife.
Help your wife make supper and help to clean up the kitchen and do laundry. Don't throw your clothes on the floor and help your wife pick up clutter every night.
Behave like a GENTLEMAN. Say please, thank you, I'm sorry, and refrain from cursing in her presence. Be kind to her so that she remembers what she saw in you in the first place.
Also, don't put all the family Christmas shopping off on her. She's not your assistant. Especially, don't buy her a Christmas gift that has to be plugged in. Go to Macy's and buy her expensive perfume. Then buy her a certificate to a spa so that she can get a facial and a massage.
It takes two to save a marriage. If she doesn't want to work at it, he can't save it. She's looking for a reason and all these minor inadequacies are just the excuse. Maybe its a "starter marraige" as suggested by another poster. Maybe she woke up and realized, "Sh*t! WHat the hell did I do? Whya did I marry this guy?"
Maybe he was Mr. Right...or maybe he was Mr. Right Now... and now, she's found her real Mr. Right and is looking for a way out... and if she picks at all of his inadequacies, maybe she can convince herself, him and the world that its all his fault.
Maybe she's got a little action on the side and is trying to rationalize it by convincing herself that this guy is wrong for her, a bad husband, a failure, etc... just so that she doesn't feel all that guilty for boinking another guy... What he should do is pay attention to what she is doing for a while... see if there is something else going on... put some spy software on the computer to track her actions... watch the phone bills... see where she goes when he's at work, etc.
Maybe he comes back here posting to ask for advice for recovering from his wife's affair...
Divorce is harder.
I agree, divorce is the easy way out in the short term but harder in the long term. It takes a lot of hard work in a marriage. By default it is not about you anymore or your wife, it is about your kid. Being a parent is a life time commitment (I still tell my 92 year old Mom she's not done raising us yet)
I share your thoughts about lacking a good male model. They are out there so go look for one in a church. If you don't find it there, go to another church, until you do find one.
I would bet that if your wife talks about divorce every day she has someone else in mind.
Good advice. I agree.
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