This is my dog Kato.
Posted on 12/20/2004 6:41:03 AM PST by kerouacbal
I am 26 years old and have been married for 2 years. I am having trouble growing up and I am driving my wife nuts. It has gotten to the point that my wife talks about divorce almost every day. I want to work this out more then I every wanted anything but I can't seem to do it or do it quick enough. I can't seem to remember consistently to do every day things like take out the garbage make sure all the doors are locked and the heat is off at night (there is a lot more but won't get into it all). I am posting this here to try to get some advise on how to help my self grow up and start to take care of my wife and son better like a husband should. My parents are dead and I don't have a close family member or friend to get advise from. Could someone please help me.
Did your wife want a janitor or a husband?
All of these complaints about not fulfilling the 'Mr. Fixit" role are simply 'cover' for more deepseated problems between you and your wife.
While annoying, these minor household foibles shouldn't be enough to ruin a truly compatible marriage. Perhaps you married in haste and are now repenting at leisure.
Get with a marriage counselor and see what real problems are hiding behind the complaints.
I divorced early and wish I had not. It was very hard on the kids. Now, many years later, my ex and I are on very good terms. Clearly, we could have worked it out had we the maturity to do so. It sounds like you are a bit passive-aggressive about expressing your frustrations, but it's not the end of the world. You can get over it. And your wife can get over her flight-or fight response to your transgressions. Not taking out the garbage is hardly grounds for divorce!
But marriage does not come with an instruction guide. Nor does anyone have to pass qualifying tests before getting hitched. Don't beat up on yourself and your wife for getting it all mixed up. But DO, immediately, take positive steps to figure out how to be married successfully before your marriage goes down the drain.
One good place to start is Marriage Encounter. It's quite affordable. It may be all you need, or it may eventually lead you into counseling of some sort.
National Marriage Encounter
800-828-3351 http://www.marriage-encounter.org
"What Is Marriage Encounter?
"Improving communication in marriage is an ongoing process. It is not something that comes naturally because of our wedding, but involves a lifetime of active learning. Today we spend a lot of time and money on maintaining our homes, our vehicles, our clothing, our careers .... but how much time do we spend improving and growing in our couple communication?
"A Marriage Encounter (M.E.) Weekend gives married couples an opportunity to reactivate, improve and grow in their couple communication. It is a special weekend program offered in a comfortable setting designed to give couples a chance to get away from the everyday routine of life and to spend time together exploring their marital relationship.
"Through the Marriage Encounter Weekend process couples are given time to reflect on their attitudes toward each other and their families ... their joys and their frustrations ...their disappointments and hurts ... their hopes and their dreams.
"The techniques shared on the M.E. Weekend are non-threatening. The weekend experience is unique for each couple and the communication experienced between each individual couple is personal and private.
"Marriage Encounter Weekend is :
NOT a marriage clinic ...
NOT religious instruction or retreat
NOT a group therapy or sensitivity session.
"It IS a weekend program geared towards enhancing the couple relationship through communication occurring in an open and honest face to face, heart to heart encounter ."
Give it a try, kerouacbal. I hope with all my heart that you can keep your marriage together and enjoy a lifetime of happiness with your wife and child. You all deserve the best!
Chunga finally asked the question by making a declaritive statement.
Kero? How often do you have a drink or puff weed?
The world's dearest people say stuff like that...but it is the wrong thing to say in a marriage. He should say that he loves her and wants to stay married. He shouldn't act desperate and willing to do anything. I've seen that destroy a marriage, and I've read about more than I've seen first hand. There are two things to worry about: not caring enough and caring too much. He's not her child or her pet. She may sound like she wants obedience but she won't respect it. Justice, respect, humility, cooperation, forgiveness....these are good. Weakness, emptiness, over pliability, dominance, rudeness, control....these are on either side the extremes to avoid.
well said.
Second, it bothers me that she is threatening divorce yet refusing counseling. That makes me suspect she's made up her mind she wants out of the marriage no matter what you do/don't do. Or else she's simply unaware that the marriage can possibly be saved by counseling. Some are too quick to holler "divorce" before giving the marriage a chance.
Marriage is never easy but from what I've experienced and seen it works if both parties are willing to work through it. God bless you, your wife and your son.
His wife no longer listens to his whining so now he wants us to...
GROW UP AND TAKE OUT THE DAM GARBAGE
One more thing-- I notice the first part of your screen name is the last name of Jack Kerouac, author of "On the Road." Was that a coincidental pick on your part, or do you have urges to go out and live the life Kerouac chose?
Go find CHRISTIAN-based counseling. (A counselor with a secular view is just as likely to advise divorce IMO.) This counselor, after hearing all the information involved, may send you for medical tests, as well. In any event, it's good that you admit a problem; now go get the help you need to get to the bottom of it and save your marriage.
MM
Cute guy- can see why he's part of the deal. Thanks for the pic.
You have admitted that you have not grown up. You are going to have to develop grown-up habits.
At your age, in order to develop these habits, you are going to have to revert, in a way, to child's play.
Have you ever seen children play "house?" They put on their parent's clothing and try to act like their parents, pretending that they are doing adult things.
I am afraid, kerouachal, that you are going to have to pretend that you are a grown-up, and you may have to do this for a very long tine considering your lack of parental discipline as a teenager.
Get it in your mind that you are going to pretend to be a responsible man and "act" like a responsible man would act. Play grown-up every day. Tell no-one, not even your wife or your best friend, that you are engaging in this game of "pretend."
If you do this, at some point you will find yourself developing grown-up habits. Only by disciplining yourself will you develop them, and the discipline you must learn cannot come from spankings or deprivations at the hand of another adult. It has to come from within yourself. Discipline yourself to pretend that you are a grown man who does grown-up-man-things. Put on the "grown-up mask."
At some point the mask will fall off, and your "grown-up face" will lie behind it. You will have grown into the shape of the mask. You will have become a responsible man.
Tell no-one. Get started.
On further reflection, I think I have a pretty clear idea of what is going on here. Your wife is desiring to have a child ASAP, and she is convinced that your behavior does not show you to be a reliable father to that child. And having a child is the No. 1 objective in her life right now. And she reckons that each day you screw up on little things will mean another 3 months of "training" that she will have to carry out to make you a responsible father of a potential child. She is losing any hope that she will have a baby with you in the short term and so is lashing out angrily at the little stuff--precisely because the little stuff confirms in her that her time clock for having a baby is running out. At least with you as the father.
Becky....do you have a therapist credential?
If not....then perhaps you should refrain....OK?
Tell her to get off your back.
Marriage Encounter is wonderful....but....it hastens the breakup of weak relationships...by pointing out the weaknesses.
I've been married for over 23 years and I agree with december12 and I have some counselling suggestions later in this post.
The FIRST thing I would suggest is to get a Bible and read and APPLY 1 Thes. 5:18 ("Give thanks in ALL circumstances...") and Romans 8:28 ("ALL things work together for good for those who love the LORD." I often even START my prayers with quoting both.
Ever since I started repeating both verses in DAILY prayers and making them part of my DAILY life---even when I have had REAL hard things currently going on and I would feel like I am lying to God about being thankful about whatever the hard circumstance is---things have ALWAYS "worked together for good!"
Now, when I pray, I begin EACH sentence of my prayer with "Thank You LORD for..." or "Thanks also for...,"---even if whatever I am thanking Him for hasn't even happened yet (we're supposed to pray expectantly). I have even thanked the LORD for things when they DIDN'T go the way I wanted(thanking Him immediately), and doggone it if it didn't turn out BETTER than the way I wanted it, afterall!
It is UNBELIEVABLE what a DIFFERENCE it has made in my life!
You might start with:
Thank the LORD for your wife.
Thank Him for giving you the opportunity to have your child, which you and your wife had together.
Thank Him for her pointing out your "grow up" needs, for without her comments, you might not have recognized your need.
Thank Him for helping you "grow up."
Thank Him for enabling you to teach your child how to "grow up" as well.
Thank Him for making you a GREAT example for your child.
Thank the LORD for your GREAT memory.
Thank Him for reminding you to take out the garbage.
Thank Him for reminding you to lock the doors at night.
Thank Him for reminding you to wash your dirty dishes and clothes and put them away.
Just KEEP Thanking the LORD in ALL circumstances!
I would also suggest you start thanking your wife for things SHE does as well. If she sees/hears you immediately Thanking the LORD in all circumstances---even when they DON'T go the way YOU think they should go---the LORD may influence her as well to start being more thankful.
Now, for the counselling suggestion:
We went through AT LEAST SIX or more counselors before we found one that actually helped us. We started out at a counsellor my husband found, then went to the church I grew up in but no longer attended (since the counsellor knew me for years), and went through many others.
Several years ago, we also found something called Retrovaille (sp?) through the Catholic Church. It was quite helpful and you DON'T have to be Catholic to go and benefit.
Retrovaille (sp?) means redisovery in French, and it's purpose is to help you both rediscover what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place. Back then, you probably didn't LOOK for the "bad" things about each other---you probably LOOKED for the good things and IGNORED the bad things (or at least they weren't bad enough to let them bother you).
Now that you have a child, you have more responsibilities, making both of your lives more stressful. That doesn't mean, however, that you don't BOTH NEED some husband and wife time, all alone, nobody else, just the two of you. Did I mention all alone, nobody else, just you and your wife?
Find someone you trust to babysit for at least a long weekend and go somelace SHE has asked about going to AND/OR find the next Retrovaille weekend and GO! YOU make the arrangements for the child's care---DON'T burden her with making the arrangements.
You might even talk to your wife's best friend and tell her what you are planning to do and ask HER if your wife has commented about a vacation spot she'd really like to go to for a few days. You might even ask her if she might watch your child for a few days to enable you to go. Or she may even help you find a trustworthy person to babysit.
I know you've gotten tons of emails, but I'd like to know how things went if you try what I suggested.
I WON'T wish you "Good Luck." I wish you BLESSINGS! I don't take/believe in "luck" anymore, so I would not wish it on anyone. Instead, when someone tells me "Good Luck" now, I politely tell them "No luck...Just Blessings! I don't believe in luck anymore."
As I said before, It is UNBELIEVABLE what a DIFFERENCE it has made in my life!
advise (v)= advice (N)
See a marriage counselor, preferrably through a church. It sounds as though you are moree ADD than immature or irresponsible and it will takeunderstanding from both of you to overcome your shortcomings.
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