Posted on 12/20/2004 6:41:03 AM PST by kerouacbal
I am 26 years old and have been married for 2 years. I am having trouble growing up and I am driving my wife nuts. It has gotten to the point that my wife talks about divorce almost every day. I want to work this out more then I every wanted anything but I can't seem to do it or do it quick enough. I can't seem to remember consistently to do every day things like take out the garbage make sure all the doors are locked and the heat is off at night (there is a lot more but won't get into it all). I am posting this here to try to get some advise on how to help my self grow up and start to take care of my wife and son better like a husband should. My parents are dead and I don't have a close family member or friend to get advise from. Could someone please help me.
I'm in agreement with your post 166. This guy's post cannot be taken at face value. Something big is missing: the wife's faults. That said it all to me. If he really were a miserable spouse, he would be angry and blaming her for this, not admitting guilt and seeking advice. This is not the post of a bad husband and father.
Agree. 10. Off with his head!
Now take out the trash & shut off the light behind you!
I stand corrected - the analogy should have been willingly jumping into waters that have been chummed.
It sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship. The whole, "I need to grow up" thing sounds like an abused woman explaining why it is her fault she gets beaten because the scrambled eggs are a little runny. You taking full responsibility for something that is clearly an issue with both of you is a big sign. That plus her refusal to go to counseling. She doesn't have a problem with the way things are right now...she is in the driver's seat. She isn't physically beating you, she is emotionally beating you...largely with insults to your manhood and threats of divorce.
My diagnosis: spousal abuse. And you are on the receiving end.
Treatment: Perhaps the 'learn to slap a ho' isn't to far off (I am aware of one abused woman who put an end to it real quick after smacking her abusive boyfriend with a hot frying pan...they even managed to work it out at least for a little while...don't know if they are still together.) But the point is that you both need help. You to get out of your victim complex and her to get out of her abusive ways. The abuse needs to end. If that can happen together, great. If it doesn't, you need to get out, and take your son with you. Documentation will be very important, as the courts strongly favor women, but you cannot allow your son to grow up in an emotionally abusive environment.
All that said, I could be totally off base. And if you have you the abused victim complex, you will insist that I am.
Excellent points about the possibility of post-partum problems.
When our children were young and my husband was working many hours of overtime, I still had the primary responsibilities for housework and keeping things organized (bill paying, filing, etc.) It was very hard sometimes and there were times we both had to split the work up, like when two kids were tandem vomiting all night long or something like that.
But in general if a husband is going to work and *responsibly* supporting a wife and child (i.e. no mistresses, no porn-for-pay, no drinking parties etc.), then it's a two way street when the wife is at home with a small child. The wife in general (again, from my experience) needs to take on a lot of those household chores herself. I don't know about this particular situation, but in general it's not reasonable for a wife at home to expect her husband to do housework too. If she's working fulltime as well, then that's a different story - then they both do have to split the chores. But a woman at home is primarily a *housewife* - and that means taking care of the house as well as the child.
There's old bikers and bold bikers.
There's just no such thing as an "Old, Bold" biker.
Oh man...there are two sides to every story and usually the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
Merry Christmas to Our Troops
It's been a good day so far, Lord
Thank You
I haven't yelled at anyone, I haven't said anything stupid, or hurt anyone's feelings.
I'm getting out of bed now, so if You would, help me make the rest of the day just as pleasant.
Which is never a good thing in any marriage.
Oh man...I married into a family where all the married men were wipping boys. Needless to say, the first couple years of my marriage were challenging...but through communication and changing ourselves, my wife, nor I are pushovers or military instructors.
Oh yeah, one more thing (again). You don't suspect your wife of having a drinking problem, do you?
Incessant bitching, belittling, and demands are control freak tendancies that can originate from alcoholism.
If that is a possibility, FReepmail me.
when i started to ride, I was the first mamber of my family to ride - I caught all sorts of aggrivation from kith and kin. I decided to find someone who had ridden for 20 years and ride like him. soon I discovered that that's how he managed to live long anough to ride for 20 years.
second rider in the family was mom, BION. she rode a scooter for ten years when she had to hang it up. still has it.
For a man your age this is not unusual. But the persistence of the condition, even in the face of powerful incentives to behave otherwise, may indicate something more. I would agree with others on the forum that seeking professional medical/psychological advice may be an alternative.
You mention that you have a pretty good job. Do they offer an employee assistance program? These can often be low-cost opportunities for consultation with a professional. If you feel confident in their promises of confidentiality, you may wish to pursue that. But in any case, do something, and make sure your wife knows you are doing something. She may react very positively to the fact that you're recognizing the problem and taking affirmative steps to deal with it.
I've been around ADHD for a long time. Some of the symptoms you describe sound very familiar. I would encourage you to see a psychologist first. They have several tests that they can administer that will help them understand what may be going on. But also a word of caution, ADHD is often something diagnosed right away. ADHD should be a default diagnosis, meaning all other possibilities should be eliminated first.
Good luck to you, and stay as far away from the military as you can. Your lack of focus would be extremely dangerous to you and to your fellow soldiers/sailors/airmen/marines. If you think you're having trouble coping with what this problem is doing to your family, imagine the problem if your actions/inactions injured or killed another soldier.
Get help, tell your wife you're seeking help, and do everything you can to keep your family together. No one can replace you in your child's life.
"I don't jump out of airplanes for a living anymore, this is the only rush I have."
Hey Speedo, understand both sides of this coin. Its just that those of us who take the time to lobby at the state houses have gotten those "bold" rider stats jammed up our butts, to no end.
Responsiblity, its a GOOD thing! :-)
HALLELUJAH!!!
Good for you for being wise enough to see and deal with it.
Odds are her mother bitched at her father over the same things.
John
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