Posted on 11/12/2004 3:55:18 PM PST by JusticeTalion
Limp Duck
-----------
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table.
The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead." the vet replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!"
-----------
Alabama Jokes
-----------
An owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
-----------
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
---------------
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama."
When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
------------
The young Alabaman came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young Alabaman answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
-------------
NEWS FLASH! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Univ. of Alabama students crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
-----------------
An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?
----------------
An Alabaman had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
It's a dirty fib that I posted this (if you're from Alabama).
I like the jokes.
ROLL TIDE!
God bless our troops wherever they may be.
God bless our troops wherever they may be.
Blind guy is standing on Toomer's corner, waiting to cross the street and a Bama graduate walks up and says, "War Eagle!" The blind guy says, "How did you know that I graduated from Auburn?"
The Bama guy says, "I could tell by your seeing-eye pig."
This weekend
Next weekend
A few years ago, I read a marvelous book about the Auburn/Alamaba series.. I think it was called the "Iron Bowl"...being from the north I had no idea of the intensity of the rivalry...seems the best move was when they stopped playing it at a neutral site..and switched back to alternating home games...worth reading if you can find it...I'
ll try and find the title..
Thanks, ken. I lived through the Iron Bowl in the 60's. 70's and 80's. Most of the time it was held in Legion Field in Birmingham, half way between Tuscaloosa and Auburn.
Well, you know, Joe, I teach at Auburn. I teach Engineering. The problem for my students, though, is keeping the choo-choo going down the track in a steady speed! Ha!!!!
God bless our troops wherever they may be.
"Alabama vs. Auburn.100 years of Gridiron history"..John Chandler Griffin..You can find it on Amazon..regards
Casey Jones.
The Waffle House isn't a mystery. But the Torch Truck stop is.
You wanna buy a duck?
If you really want to learn about bama football....get rammer jammer yellow hammer!it's unreal! Roll Tidr
I meant Roll Tide! don't have my contacts in so i'm half blind! but let me repeat......ROLL TIDE ROLL.....
*ROFLMAO*
'Nuff said
God bless our troops wherever they may be.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.