Iran Executes Nuclear Scientist [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 August 2025 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Golem Salami, spokesman for Iran's Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps, announced that Rouzbeh Vadi, one of Iran's top nuclear scientists, was hanged this week. "The fact that Vadi was not taken out by the Israeli air attacks like our six other nuclear scientists were raised our suspicions," Salami said. "Vadi was arrested and interrogated. Despite the rigorous torture applied by our best experts he would not confess. However, our offer to spare his family from execution if he would admit to being a spy for the Mossad persuaded him to admit his guilt. We are also pleased to confirm the arrest of all of his wives, children, and grandchildren who will each be given the opportunity to atone for his treachery by becoming suicide bombers against the enemies of Iran."

Iran Human Rights advocate Mahmood Amiry-Moghaddam was skeptical of the claim that Vadi was a spy, saying "the regime is using the Israeli attacks as an excuse to eliminate political opposition to its repressive policies. Anyone who expresses a desire for individual freedom or true democracy is labeled a blasphemer or an enemy of the state and liable to be imprisoned, tortured, and killed. Sentences to be executed have been issued without fair trials and based on confessions obtained under torture. In addition to violating international laws, they also violate the written laws of the Islamic Republic itself."

Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei called the bombing of his country's nuclear facilities "a setback," but vowed to "rebuild them as quickly as possible. Trump may have felt himself invulnerable while bombing Iran, but we are currently negotiating with the next mayor of New York City Zohran Mamdani to lease a site for our nuclear research facility within his jurisdiction. This will be a win-win arrangement. First, Trump wouldn't dare to bomb the most important city in America. Congress would impeach him. Second, since the City of New York has the largest population of Jews outside of Israel, Mayor Mamdani would gain the ability to become the most effective suicide-bomber in world history."

Columbia University agitator and Hamas supporter Mahmoud Khalil called these latest developments "encouraging. Two years ago, Israel and Saudi Arabia were on the brink of signing a peace treaty. The Hamas October 7 attack successfully sabotaged that. Israel's excessive retaliation mobilized the youth of the world to protest against Jewish atrocities against Palestine. The potential establishment of an Iranian enclave in New York City from which Hamas could carry out more anti-zionist attacks would bring the struggle for Islamic supremacy inside the Great Satan itself. We are closer to winning than I ever imagined we could be."

In related news, Mamdani vowed "to crush the charter schools movement once I am elected mayor. All students must receive the same indoctrination. These charter schools allow divergent and impious ideas to pollute the minds of those too young to understand what they ought to think and value. We who are wiser must choose for them and ensure that all are unified in thought and obedience to the one true faith."

---

TOPICS: Government; Humor; Military/Veterans; Politics
KEYWORDS: ayatollah; mahmoudkhalil; mamdani; satire

[John Semmens]

ping

[BarbM]

I read that he “went into hiding”. Yuri Andropvov is still missing (1983)

[NFHale]

No offense, Mr. Semmens, but why do you always put “semi satire” in your article title?

I don’t see any satire in it at all.

Just asking the question because your articles are usually pretty good

[Tell It Right]

It’s satire. In the linked article it says it’s “a satire of recent news”. Like the Bee, but the word “semi” is to make sure everyone gets that it’s humorous because it’s tied to some truth. (As Rush used to say, the best humor always has an element of truth.)

[Seaplaner]

Thanks, John, for another fine satirical comment.

Mamdani vowed "to crush the charter schools movement once I am elected mayor. All students must receive the same indoctrination. These charter schools allow divergent and impious ideas to pollute the minds of those too young to understand what they ought to think and value. We who are wiser must choose for them and ensure that all are unified in thought and obedience to the one true faith."

Satire? Maybe, however it might make a nice campaign commercial for Mamdani's opponent.

BTW, I thought you were kidding with the name "Moghaddam", but then I looked it up.

[1of10]

” raised our suspicions,”

..... sardonic

[Ancesthntr]

I thought that Salami was killed…maybe I’m mistaken and it was Baloney?

[John Semmens]

It’s a different Salami from a very large and well-connected family.

[NFHale]

Thank you!!