No Charges for Mishandling Classified Docs [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Feb 2024 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Special Counsel Robert Hur completed his year-long investigation of President Biden's mishandling of secret documents. His conclusion was that "Biden willfully retained these materials, stored them in an unsecured manner, and illegally shared them with his ghostwriter." Hur declined to recommend prosecution "because the President presented himself to us as a sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory. It's my belief that a jury would be unlikely to convict him because of his mental incompetence."

In an effort to rebut Hur's findings, Biden called a press conference where he claimed "my memory is fine. Take a look at what I have done since becoming president. Just this week I conferred with Mexican President El Sisi on the crisis in Palestine." Of course, El Sisi is not the president of Mexico. Neither is it clear why Biden would be conferring with the President of Mexico on the war between Israel and Hamas in Gaza.

Sen. Rick Scott (R-Fl) called for Vice-President Kamala Harris and Biden's cabinet "to invoke the power vested in them by the Constitution's 25th Amendment to remove a president unable to carry out the duties of the office."

Rep. Claudia Tenney (R-NY) wrote to Attorney General Merrick Garland saying "the Department of Justice cannot ethically bring classified document charges against former President Trump and decline to bring them against President Biden. Neither can you permit a mentally incompetent man to govern the country."

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md) labeled the Republican case for removing President Biden "flimsy. He's been able to sign every decree set in front of him by his highly-qualified and energetic staff. He has, with the aid of a teleprompter, been able to speak to the nation on the issues of the day and reassure us that things are under control. As for his latest press conference, it was held after his normal 7pm bedtime. Who among us wouldn't have been disoriented under such circumstances. There is no need for him to be replaced."

Former Clinton advisor Paul Begala argued that "President Biden has always been a mental light-weight. Yet he's been reelected multiple times--first as a senator, then a vice-president, and finally a president. Obviously, voters trust him to represent their interests. We should respect their decisions."

In related news, Presidential Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre denied that Biden's mention of conversations with deceased foreign leaders is a sign of dementia, saying "the President is a man of depth. French President François Mitterrand and German Chancellor Helmut Kohl were both in power during the 1990s. Then-Senator Biden could well have spoken to them. The fact that he can recall 30-year-old conversations with them should be taken as a sign that his memory is excellent."

If you missed any of the other Semi-News/Semi-Satire posts you can find them at...

https://www.freedomsphoenix.com/Opinion/357949-2024-02-09-semi-news-semi-satire-february-11-2024-edition.htm

[John Semmens]

ping

[Gene Eric]

“Not the Semmens”

[rfp1234]

Joe was outraged at Hur’s conduct, yelling “I knew his grandfather Ben Hur, he was the most honest used-camel dealer in Gaza!”

[Liz]

This act always worked for me in Delaware,” joe whined to
jill later, “resurrecting Beau always got me out of any
scrape. Now all I got is my surviving son and his dam laptop.”

[ScaniaBoy]

Well done John, but I must say that being satirical in this day and age must be more and more difficult.

[xzins]

Excellent

[fhayek]

Absolutely. That whole Mexico-Gaza thing would give pause to Jonathan Swift, I dare say...

[Vaduz]

No Charges for Mishandling Classified

From the time he was a senator to VP he’s been stealing documents listed as secret to top secret that would rate him as a spy one has to wonder while he’s a pal with China how many of them do the have copies of ?.

[Seaplaner]

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) confirmed Mayorkas' assessment. "The only way we can solve the immigration problem is by having Democrats hold the presidency and both houses of Congress like we did when Obama was first president in 2008," he insisted. "It was the absence of Republican interference in 2009 and 2010 that facilitated the initial steps of President Obama's plan to totally transform this country. It has been the presence of Republicans in the form of President Trump and fluctuating majorities in both houses of Congress that has slowed this transformation. If we hope to have a nation where everyone is united behind a common goal we must do whatever we can to ensure that Republicans never again hold the power to either delay this transformation or force us to compromise."

Hmmm, a lot of "semi-news" hiding here?

Thanks John, another good (and scary) column.