Chicago Mayor Warns That If Local Walmart Locations Close People Will Have Fewer Places To Shoplift

Babylon Bee ^ | 4/17/23 | Staff

[Its All Over Except ...]

CHICAGO, IL — After Walmart announced plans to close 4 store locations in dangerous Chicago neighborhoods, Chicago Mayor-Elect Brandon Johnson issued a dire warning that this will leave many Chicagoans with fewer places to shoplift.

"Citizens of this great city have the fundamental right to steal merchandise in their own communities without resorting to traveling to other neighborhoods," said Johnson at a local protest against the store closings. "If our youths don't have a safe place to work, shop, shoplift, loot, fight, do drugs, terrorize citizens, and smash windows, they may participate in riskier shoplifting, looting, and drug-consuming in affluent communities where cops will actually bother to arrest them until my Soros-funded DA lets them back out on the street. We can't let this happen!"

Walmart executives insist the move is nothing personal. "We're just tired of our cashiers and store greeters getting beaten up and every store losing millions of dollars," said district manager Darnell Monahan. "We'd prefer our workers not get beaten up and robbed and all that stuff. Sorry!"

At publishing time, civil rights leaders had warned that if Walmart goes through with the move, they will encourage Americans to boycott shoplifting there entirely.

[Magnum44]

[nutmeg]

😆

[1956tbyrd]

Funny because it’s so true.

[jjotto]

A shoplifting desert.

[ComputerGuy]

Stop delivering food to the city.

[dforest]

Now they will start spreading out to other areas. People will have to be very careful.

[Clutch Martin]

“Citizens of this great city have the fundamental right to steal merchandise in their own communities without resorting to traveling to other neighborhoods”

Well, He has a point... maybe he can get some local tax dollars or Federal grants to help subsidise the effort.

[I want the USA back]

The Babylon Bee is great!

[asinclair]

I do wonder how the Mayor’s office would react if the shoplifting were to move to City Hall.

[Tell It Right]

The Babylon Bee is funnier than every time my ex-mother-in-law said she was gonna diet!

[Vaquero]

Bus shoplifters!

[Carriage Hill]

“Now they will start spreading out to other areas. People will have to be very careful.”

SPJNK.

[Songcraft]

The best thing to do about it is to have the city's social workers deliver maps to all the citizens and wayfarers in Chicago, directing them to the mayoral mansion, where they can find many alternative items to purloin.

(Note to all well-meaning posters -- BB recognized!)

[BillT]

Captain Obvious strikes again.

[dsrtsage]

I thought the Bee was satire. When did they start doing hard news?

[Dr. Scarpetta]

HaHa!

[Billthedrill]

Sounds pretty much like something the new Mayor would say.

[Paladin2]

Walmart has concluded that ChIraq has no ability to produce and hence, no needs for Walmart to meet there.

[dforest]

Oh, it is the Bee. What I said still holds true.