Posted on 01/15/2016 7:00:26 PM PST by EBH
Last weekend my now deceased brother's daughter contacted the family. She was given up at birth, but her older brother never was.
I am NOT happy about revisiting the circumstances or the results and demise of my brother, her father, with her.
Giving a child up for adoption is almost like committing suicide. It is the last out...for the future. I have no way of candy coating her biological father. He was beyond evil in many ways. So far so, that he is the only reason I installed an alarm system on my house at the time. And he was my brother.
Her birth mother once rid of my brother went on to raise a beautiful family. My brother's first born son served in Iraqi Freedom and Fallujah. He broke the mold into which fate caste him. His sister is the one given up for adoption.
I, am on the "evil" side of the family. What and how much do I tell this new found niece? Her birth mother wants to come by and review photographs on Sunday morning?! All those photographs are in a box rotting in the basement...as they should be.
There is lots of pain. Life wasn’t pretty, not just messy, not pretty. There is lots of pain.
Thank you for acknowledging it.
I wouldn’t advise to tell her they love her. People know that is fake. They don’t know her yet. I would be loving and gracious, but that is not the same thing. It is what you do to anyone.
Make her feel welcome, though. Not too welcome. Not yet, anyway. They don’t know her and she doesn’t know them. Just welcome for that visit. Very welcome for that visit.
Very true. And it may be best to make her work through the system to find the truth.
Find something, ANYTHING, good you can say about him. Talk about when he as a child growing up. Give this girl peace. Keep the evil out of it. She doesn’t need to hear about that and keeping it from her won’t hurt her or you.
What’s wrong with you?
Greet her and let her talk, and ask questions... When it comes to your brother tell her gently you did not get along with him.
Think of the poor girl desperate to have family.
My ex had a baby she gave up for adoption. She suddenly called my home 2 years ago and spoke to my daughters- I have no idea how she tracked us down. She was crying and we had to explain to her that her mother had died but she had 2 brothers and 3 sisters. (well, half-siblings)
They are all meeting for the first time at her wedding.
Let them have the box and go in peace.
It is neat that you were so gracious and caring to her.
Let me add that I really admire how you handled your situation. I realize it is ongoing, but still. Great attitude.
Amen, and thank you
If you want to think of her first, then you have to tell her the truth about her father. Having said that, you also have to tell her the truth about her heavenly Father. When our earthly parents abandon us, or are not the people they should be, our heavenly Father more than makes up for that.
Good point on EBH’s verse.
As in most things, we are often helped and educated more than the people we help or teach.
My brother was killed, righteously, by the police.
He attempted to kill his second wife and daughter.
I've been talking or maybe I should say listening to him talk for weeks now. Trying to tell myself shut up and just listen. The result is his idea to try again. But I think he's on a binge because he's nearing this commitment on Monday.
I'm not sure that advice would help anyone, but as I've basically exhausted all those things you might say or think may help, I've decided I'll pray and hope and just let him vent. Holding my tongue more than I've ever tried in the past.
Best of luck to you.
I could be wrong on this but it sounds like her birth mother put her up for adoption to get her out of a bad situation with the hope of a better life. If she has parents that love her and raised her let her be at peace knowing her birth mother made the hardest decision in life for her best interests. Her father is no longer alive but let her make her own judgements and own peace. She is just asking you for information to help put the pieces of the puzzle together.
I was adopted 72 years ago and just recently tried to find out what happened to my bio mom and brother. I would love to be able to find anyone anywhere who could answer these questions but the maze has just been too great after almost 70 years. Tell her the truth. She will have to decide what she does with it and how she chooses to react.
Whoa. With that added info, hmm...probably you have to say it ever so briefly and then be honest. It is too painful for your to talk about. They can research it in the news and in official records. ?? I would assume.
Change the subject to her. Tell her it is too painful for you to talk about and why. Then say you want to know about her. Most people like to talk about themselves and it will feel gracious to her for you to be interested.
Neglect, rejection and abandonment are ways to create a monster. Look at what it did to Obama. People look to family for a sense of meaning, belonging and importance. This is normal, but dangerous as it trains people to look outward for truth and validation. Never hide the truth. But the real truth is inside the individual in the form of common sense and intuition. Trust that and always point people to it. You may call it the Holy Spirit if you want. Reward and validate the good in people, especially hard work. Tell the story about the bad as an example of how hell is created on earth, of what we don’t have to be. Love pays attention.
Start with the truth....she should know who the man really was. It is not the place to vent your frustrations. Just be as dispassionate as you can in describing him to her.
I have lived a similar circumstance and it is best to tell the truth. Welcome her into the fold, but be clear that it’s not a bed of roses.
It depends how old she is. If she is 18, of course tell her the truth.
I don’t remember his FR name but we have a FReep friend here whose mother was a young virgin teen who was violently raped. He is very pro life, as you can imagine. His “sperm donor” was an evil, violent criminal, but that doesn’t have anything to do with who our FRiend is.
Gd willing, your bio niece was raised by good people and those are her family members. You guys are only her genetic relatives, but not her family.
Still, this is part of her story. She deserves to know, because she is curious. But other than sharing some genetic traits, which may be of interest, everyone should respect that who loved you and raised you is your family.
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