Posted on 01/15/2016 7:00:26 PM PST by EBH
Last weekend my now deceased brother's daughter contacted the family. She was given up at birth, but her older brother never was.
I am NOT happy about revisiting the circumstances or the results and demise of my brother, her father, with her.
Giving a child up for adoption is almost like committing suicide. It is the last out...for the future. I have no way of candy coating her biological father. He was beyond evil in many ways. So far so, that he is the only reason I installed an alarm system on my house at the time. And he was my brother.
Her birth mother once rid of my brother went on to raise a beautiful family. My brother's first born son served in Iraqi Freedom and Fallujah. He broke the mold into which fate caste him. His sister is the one given up for adoption.
I, am on the "evil" side of the family. What and how much do I tell this new found niece? Her birth mother wants to come by and review photographs on Sunday morning?! All those photographs are in a box rotting in the basement...as they should be.
Tell her the truth and tell her you love her. Start from there.
I cannot imagine the pain this is putting you through.
No law says you have to talk to anyone but a judge.
Leave the dead buried and lead a better life.
My two cents:
You need to know where her head / heart are at regarding her absent father and react accordingly. If she thinks he was a missing knight in shining armor, tread carefully. If she despaired him, be more honest and open.
Tell her it must have been tough to grow up without a father like that and then let her talk about growing up. Pay attention to her responses about her father, other male influences. React accordingly.
Under no circumstances would I openly bash him. Even if she says she hated him for abandoning her. Be gentle and good luck,
Not sure I can advise you. It is clear from your post that you still have a lot of emotion tied up in your situation.
Remember that God works all things for good for those that know Him.
Remember that we must all give account for what we say and do.
I would accept your brother’s daughter as a gift from God for so she is. The sins of the father should not be visited on the daughter. She didn’t earn them.
Don’t take the sins of the father out on the daughter. You should tell her a little about him, but don’t go into the bad details. Maybe that he had problems, but she has a great brother. Since your brother is dead, seems like the jobs of meeting her should be easier.
Exactly. I met my birth mother before she died, but it was my choice and I somewhat regret it. Because of this my sister never looked.
I left home at 18....and never looked back.
Life this past year is forcing me to look.
I made up my mind to make real choices...this isn’t one of them.
Why you and not her mother or brother? I would direct her toward them. Your brother is gone, his child doesn’t need to suffer over the past. That doesn’t mean you sugar coat it but it doesn’t mean you drag it all up and hurt her.
If her brother was kept, but she was not, I'm sure she's spent a great deal of time wondering, "What was wrong with me? Why was I unlovable?"
I think it could be helpful for her to know that it WASN'T her. That she was adopted out for her own safety and future happiness. She was protected from the reality of her father's situation.
I wish you blessings, and pray this will be the beginning of a wonderful relationship that you never imagined. I hope that she and her brother will find a connection that will bless both of them in the years ahead.
I guess play it by ear, so to speak. Be gracious. Follow the lead of the birth mother, since that is the primary relationship. The rottenness of your brother does not need to be hidden, but it does not need to be told, either. If you can ask the mother privately what she thinks, then do that. Also primary is your nephew’s feelings. So if you have a relationship with him, ask him.
You will probably not need to do a lot more than send Christmas cards after this visit. So try to just be a healing and helpful force for the primaries: The birth mother, your nephew, and your long lost niece.
Pray.
Difficult situation to be sure. But if you get along with the birth mother, maybe she can help you set some boundaries with the daughter so that you can see if you want to create a relationship with her without being pulled into the undesirable aspects e.g. your brother. I suspect it would mean a lot to her if you can find some way to share some of her family history without putting yourself through the wringer again. Good luck.
Brilliantly well said.
When doing genealogy, what you want is the TRUTH. The skeletons are sometimes pieces that give the person more insight than anything else.
Thank you.
As a man who adopted a daughter and has dealt with these issues...
She needs to know where she is from.
She has blanks that most people take for granted. She needs to fill them.
Whatever problems her parents had are not hers.
She is made in the image of God.
Picture would be great.
Tell the truth with kindness and thank God for this gift. Give her as many pictures as she wants.
Welcome her. Choose to be loving and kind.
Pray. Talk with Jesus. Ask Him for guidance. Seek Him out and He will be with you, and provide for you the peace that passes all understanding about all of your concerns. And turn to His Word, the Bible. Proverbs 3:5-7 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.”
You already know what to do, you don’t need our advice. Look at your FR profile, especially the last sentence.
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