Comments and advice are welcome. Life sucks sometimes.
Dealing with a spouse that has an illness is weary on the soul. My wife suffers from chronic and acute attacks of pancreatitis as well as recently having a pulmonary embolism. The doctors at the ER typically believe she is drug seeking and treat her like a junkie. Her condition was caused by a surgeon that improperly sliced her pancreatic duct, but could not be considered malpractice, so she suffers.
As a military man, I compartmentalize and take care of the house, kids, and pets as I should, but trying to deal with what my wife has become (extremely short tempered, massive weight gain, constantly sleeping, little to no will to live, etc.) is taxing on our children and has its effects on me as well.
I deal with it through prayer and other Marines that attend my church. This is my advice to you as well. Please turn to Christ as He is the only answer. Our wives may never be healed in this life, but will not suffer in the next. Be patient with your bride as she is going through something that is more frightening to her than anything we could imagine. In her lucid moments, she probably realizes what is happening but cannot express it. Try to imagine if you were truly able to see angels and demons, how would those around you react?
Ok...I feel your stress brother....
So my first question to you is:
Did you mean your vows?
2nd is....do you love her?
If the answers to 1&2 are yes...then it is your duty to figure out how to help her....
I know the stress of trying to save a marraige and holding a family together...I put 4 years into trying to save my marraige after my wife went through a crisis and cheated after 25 yrs...
What I found out was.....you cant save someone else if they dont want to be saved....
I know it feels terrible to think you havent done enough...or the right thing.....you have taken on a role as provider,protector, and care giver....it’s what any man worth his salt will do as a husband....
If she is ok on her meds...then you have to help keep her on her meds....
If she refuses to do so...and she gets worse...that isnt on you...it’s on her...
You need to catch her in a lucid moment..stress free..and simply talk about your feelings...
If you cant handle taking care of her....bow out...but you have to know that without you...she might go off the deep end.
That is a choice you have to make for yourself....how much are you willing to put with out of love, duty, and responsibilty.
If you are done...you are done....and you have to make that break guilt free or it will will tear you up for years.
I guess my point is....what are you willing to live it and if it that bad...how much are you willing to sacrifice to keep taking care of her?
I miss my wife dearly...and I know she is screwing up her life....but I cant control that....I can only deal with it...I had to let her go....it hurts but I am better for it.
How much are you willing to deal with is the question.
(1) Keep trying with medical doctors, getting second and third opinions, and even trying nutritionally oriented doctors. As to mental illness, sometimes things work for a time and then fail, but then a new medicine or therapy can be found that works. Also make sure that there are no aggravating physical issues, like dietary intolerances, nutritional deficiencies, or a GI illness.
(2) Check your legal options as to how to get a civil commitment order. Your wife may be best off in well-chosen residential care. Finding a way to arrange and afford that will not be easy.
(3) For your sake, somehow, every week, find a way to take a break from the burden of your circumstances for a few hours. Go to a movie. Meet friends for dinner. Take a walk in a park. Anything to take a break. That will mean finding someone to care of your wife for that time. You will be surprised at how helpful such breaks can be to your peace of mind and resilience.
So much of it is genetic. It runs through my family and occasionally myself. I hate to be book pusher, but the book The Sacred Romance by Eldridge really helped me.
What about prayers? I've no comments or advice that would help, but I have (and so do you) a direct prayer line to God. And I'm praying now that God comfort you and your wife as only He can.
Probably been said somewhere but here’s something simple.
Take a piece of paper and a pencil. Subject: Leaving.
line down the middle of the paper. One side Postive results of leaving. Other side negatives.
If the positive outweigh the negatives then go.
Conversely. subject: staying. Positive outweigh the negatives then stay. You can try it both ways but I guarantee that the results will be the same.
Sounds cold, and it is. Logic is often cold. Emotion never is.
I’m sure not going to tell you what to do. But I did the same “internal poll” I guess, in my last relationship. If I had listened to the results it would have saved me about 8 lost years.
Even in the best marriages there are times of doubt. You have kept your vows and I wanted to tell you that God knows your effort and honor.
I will pray for you.
I really feel for you. That is a very tough road to walk. I saw my Father go through it. My Mother was mentally ill. Our Father divorced her and she left when I was 11 or 12. I admire that you stayed through it long enough to get the kids raised. You really do not owe anyone any more than that, but I understand the sense of loyalty and responsibility that you feel and that you will have to deal with guilt if you leave her.
I have only seen it through the eyes of a kid. It never leaves you.