Posted on 07/28/2015 6:09:00 AM PDT by rfreedom4u
My wife is mentally ill. I realize many men say this and most are probably kidding but in my case it is 100% true. Her illness began in 1996 after the birth of our last child. At first we were told it was post-partum depression. She was hospitalized that year several times and given various medications.
We’ve never really gone to church much but she began talking about religion quite a bit so I bought her a bible (NKJ) and she devoured it. She was reading it all the time and one day I noticed she was crossing parts out and writing in the margin. I asked her why and she stated, “It was interpreted wrong and I am writing the correct interpretation.” I asked her how she knew her interpretation was correct and she said, “I get my information from God.” This lead to numerous trips to hospitals and more meds. She also began stating that she saw angels and demons and that they spoke to her. When I inquired as to what they were telling her she said I wouldn’t understand.
In the next few years she continued to have good and bad months. She was hospitalized several times over the next few years and again given various medications and diagnoses. These went from bi-polar to schizophrenic to psychotic. She has never been violent but was very adamant that we should all become vegans. She would go so far as to attempting to capture and bug she saw in the house so that she could release it into the wild.
Since I was in the military we moved several times. Each time we arrived at a new post I had to explain to my command the situation. I could see that they didn’t really believe it was as bad as I said until she started having a bad month again. Once it got so bad that I took the kids to a hotel and had to stay away for a few days.
Over the first few years of her illness I was investigated several times because she made allegations that I was abusive to both her and the children. All of these were proved false. She was paranoid and constantly accused me of sleeping around with other women. When she is “stable” she starts to think she does not need her meds and will slowly decrease her dosage (by skipping days) and eventually will stop altogether. I will notice little things in her behavior that become big things. When she starts to talk about certain things (religion, abuse, veganism) I can tell she is off her meds. I’ve tried to reason with her and get her to her shrink as soon as possible but she will become very assertive that there is nothing wrong with her. Many times I have had her hospitalized against her will as she was a threat to herself. This was usually because she was not taking care of herself or eating. Twice she was hospitalized with suicidal tendencies and once for actually attempting suicide.
Throughout all these now 19 years I have done my best to deal with her and give the kids the best lives possible. Times of high stress are the worst for her. Just this year she lost two of her three sisters to cancer and her dad passed away last month. She is now on the downslide and I predict she will be hospitalized again within the next few weeks.
All of our children are adults now. We have been married for almost 27 years (19 of which she’s been ill). I feel so worn down and beaten from dealing with this for so long that at times I feel like just packing a bag and leaving. Perhaps become a vagabond and drift around the world. If I were to do that I know she wouldn’t last long as in her times of psychosis she places herself in dangerous situations. Once she wandered off for a week and we found her in a homeless shelter. Now we are in the Houston area and it is quite dangerous to wander about the city. This world is full of bad people.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope and no longer want to deal with this anymore. Her illness stresses me out and gets me down. I want to just leave but realize that would be the worst thing for her. The next few weeks will be hard. But I will have to make my decision to stay or leave. I know the kids will be mad if I leave her because she needs help. But at the same time they will understand because they’ve seen the hell that I’ve been through. We went through it together when they were growing up. So, do I stay or do I go? I’m not even sure what I will do. I thought writing about it would make me feel a little better and maybe help in making the decision but it hasn’t.
He should stay unless deep down he thinks she is capable of killing him in a demented manic rage. If he is fearing for his life then he has to go.
Surrender to the reality of the situation and take care of yourself.
Even in the best marriages there are times of doubt. You have kept your vows and I wanted to tell you that God knows your effort and honor.
I will pray for you.
Your situation is not all that uncommon these days. My prayers for you and your wife have been sent.
There is this question that I have been asked repeatedly ...’What would Jesus do?’ Those asking the question could not answer specific questions I had regarding their question.
Jesus healed some of the sick. He read the minds of all. And He cleaned out His temple that had been infested with the traditions of men. Then He allowed the religious rulers to turn Him over to the political rulers and never uttered a Word in His defense... Just said it was finished. And allowed Himself to become the last required blood sacrifice for the remission of sins....
So as the requirement for a wife’s submission, there is the requirement for the husband to be as Christ. But do you really have a wife? Depending upon your answer to that question opens up your options. I do not believe that Jesus requires anybody to be abused. And your story reads of living a tortured hell.
The vow you took reads to be to a different person. You have describe giving your whole life to this person keeping that vow.
You do have to plan for the future. None of us have promise our flesh will survive the day. Thus, some sort of preparations need be made for her care. And IF you reach the point of needing relief to maintain your own sanity, then plan your release.
My experience has been the ‘system’ gives rights above our own to the mental ill. Some of the mentally ill can spout their ‘rights’, and will demand what they consider to be their rights to be fulfilled. Regardless of the cost to the sane.
Sounds like you need a family meeting with your children. They need to know you need to save yourself and you are not cutting them out or off from their mother. But IF they have specific expectations they need to speak their minds or forever hold their peace. Recriminations will be at a minimum if you get a signed agreement. The future unknown will not be in an agreement, so count on some future complaints.
I would strongly encourage you to read about redemptive suffering. I also commend you. Don't forget that is it perfectly okay to feel like giving up but also know, those feelings will come and go.
Finally, don't be afraid to find time for your self. If that means taking a few days away, or finding another respite, do so. Ask your family to help you by keeping an eye on your wife.
I commend you and will pray for you and your family.
You are quite correct. It is walking a tightrope. That’s why a really, really good lawyer who has been through this is essential. And even so, there is no guarantee.This is simply the best solution I’ve come up with after a quarter of a century of dealing with this with a sibling.
It takes a lot of courage, because a paranoid person is constantly fabricating an illusory situation, and consequently making hurtful accusations. That is the nature of paranoia. But this gentleman must extract himself.
We got married because we are in love. We were married by a JoP and took the standard vows. As to my health I feel fine. I just finished the first part of a physical and so far so good.
My first husband was mentally ill. Same thing, okay on meds, but then believed he didn’t need them, would go off the meds and have psychotic episodes. Thought he was Jesus at one time. I know the hell you’re living, FRiend.
I left him after only a few years of marriage because he was physically violent to me and then towards one of our children. I was afraid he would kill our son, so I threw him out. Luckily, he had a twin brother who eventually took him in and now provides for him. But he did the same thing, wander off, end up in bade places. He was into drugs and almost died when some dealers took him out in the woods, beat him, and left him for dead. Honestly, I am surprised that he’s made it into his 60’s, but he looks bad.
Too bad she has no one else to care for her. Is some type of assisted living situation possible? You deserve some respite from the hell you are living in. Can any of your children provide some care?
Thought he was Jesus at one time.
She’s made comments in the past about God being her father and that she want meant to be with the Archangel Michael. She’s never been violent but the total opposite. On one of her wanders she was attacked and did nothing to defend herself. As a result she was hospitalized for a short period.
Life is too short to be miserable.
That is the only advice I can ever give anyone in any situation.
Your weekly escape may require that you take your grandson along and that you bring back flowers or some other small gift to mollify your wife. Trust me on this: assuring that you have an hour or two of escape every week will do a lot to ease the burdens on you.
Prayers for you and your family.
What you have done for this long is the work of a Saint. I want to make sure you hear that. This is the highest service to God caring for a woman He loves; the highest sacrifice a man could make. I’ll say it again, you have been involved in the Spiritual work of a Saint. You are one His chosen. He sees it all and knew it all before it even happened.
Do you pray for her? Do you pray for yourself for the burden, fear, resentment, anxiety, etc. to be lifted from you? Do you enjoy the times she’s coherent or do you constantly suffer anxiety and/or resentment over what happened last month or last year?
You have every reason and right, in secular terms of amorality and culture, to run away and abandon her to whatever fate occurs. You have to decide. You may end up shifting the burden to one of your children. If they love her, I can’t see them all just letting her suffer and die and die on the street.
I don’t really have any idea of God’s perspective of you abandoning her at this point. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for another. And you have done this so far. You need to be close to Him as you make these sorts of decisions.
I am so sorry you have suffered like this and also so thankful that you have been so merciful and graceful. I am so proud of you for caring for her all this time. I know it pleases Jesus what you have done for your wife and children. If only every mentally ill person could have the care and patience of a man like you the world would be a different place. You have demonstrated the highest form of human love; unconditional love. That is a big deal.
I prayed for you now and will again tonight. You call on Jesus to help you, too. I don’t blame you for wanting to run from it all.
I really feel for you. That is a very tough road to walk. I saw my Father go through it. My Mother was mentally ill. Our Father divorced her and she left when I was 11 or 12. I admire that you stayed through it long enough to get the kids raised. You really do not owe anyone any more than that, but I understand the sense of loyalty and responsibility that you feel and that you will have to deal with guilt if you leave her.
I have only seen it through the eyes of a kid. It never leaves you.
I have a close relative with schizophrenia since his 20s and the meds he gets have bad side effects, but the few times he went off them he got crazier and crazier: the end of the world was imminent, other people were possessed by demons or Satan, the medicine was poison.......another friend of one of my sisters lost it and was convinced that she was God AND Satan at the same time, finally she threatened a public figure and was arrested and put in a mental ward..
Given your kids are grown and she is your wife, I would (as you) insist that she give me full power of attorney including the power to have her hospitalized against her will when needed.
Or I would leave her. You cant help people who don’t know that they need it.
I am nowhere near a saint. I have and still do pray for her. When she is coherent things are almost always good and pleasant. I’m not sure if I resent the past but if I do it is hidden. I do dread the future as I never know exactly when it will happen again.
Since writing this I asked the kids what they would do if I were to die. Only three responded so far. 1. I have no idea. 1. I guess we would take turns taking care of her. And 1. She could live with me. The last one shocked me as that one was the most selfish growing up.
As for God’s plan, I have no idea what it is and will likely never know. I just have to keep the faith and continue to try.
I have a sister that is a nurse and from the stories she’s told me there is no way I could be one. But my situation is different than hers. She is a nurse to strangers while I am one to a loved one.
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