4 Huge Mistakes I Made As A Wife (I'm The Ex-Wife Now)

Hunffington Post ^ | 12/29/14 | Sloane Bradshaw

[Kartographer]

Because obviously being a lying, cheating, family abandon-er trumps anything I did to our marriage in the past decade. Right?

Wrong.

I deflected any and all culpability in the failure of my marriage for months, holding on to the picture I painted of myself as the gentle, selfless and long-suffering wife. It wasn't until I found a therapist who called me out on my bullsh*t that I was forced to take a long, hard look at my shortcomings.

It wasn't pretty.

Here's what I now know actually screwed up my marriage. May it serve as a warning to you. Before it's too late.

[minnesota_bound]

#22 You must know my mom and my 3 sisters and my dad’s mother. nag nag nag nag : )

[CharleysPride]

If every school-sentenced child is forced to drill endless days to prepare for Common Core — can we not at least ensure they have to read this before it is too late??!

[jocon307]

It’s the Cohen Brothers first (big) movie. Never saw it again. As I said, very affecting! Maybe it would be good in a double bill with “oh Brother where art thou” so you could end on a light hearted note!

[CharleysPride]

“Blood Simple”?

[CrazyIvan]

Very effecting? Why does that make you chug down everything in the house? “Oh Brother” was great. I don't think most people got that it was an “Odyssey” parody.

[Vigilanteman]

Great list to which I'd add:

1. Sometimes, we'd like a nice home-cooked meal. Really. We work with people all week long. Some evenings or weekends we'd just like to be with you.

2. Yeah, I remember the wonderful times we had together when we were first married. That included the sex three times per day. Really, is three times per week too much to ask now?

3. Every little noise at night is not an excuse for you to interrupt what comes naturally to me.

4. I'd think about sex a whole lot less if I get some once in awhile.

5. Men who get the real thing from their wife on a regular basis are far less likely to look elsewhere, view porn or otherwise stray from their marital vows.

6. Don't ask for what you know we can't afford to buy you. Healthy home finances is a cornerstone of a healthy marriage.

7. We're not perverts because we love seeing you naked, nor because we sometimes expose ourselves to you in private. It is our way of saying in private that you are the most beautiful sexy thing in our lives. Try reciprocating once in awhile.

8. By the same token, we love it when you initiate sex once in awhile. Ask to feel if we have an erection. Pull our shorts off. Even get on top of us. We may not be in the mood. But this type of thing revs us up and gets us in the mood in short order. We still appreciate it even if there are those occasional times when we can't get hard, put it all the way in or squirt in our usual large quantity of warm sexy cream. Just try again later.

9. We're simple creatures for the most part. We understand that we need women to help civilize us. Be patient and we'll try to please. Be critical or cold and we will withdraw. That's not a good thing. But you can win us back with a good meal or some of the techniques listed in the previous point.

10. There are three major reasons which cause marriages to crash and burn. Bickering over finances is number one. If only one spouse can manage finances, let them. If both can, then great-- share it in a responsible manner. If neither can, seek outside help. Reasons #2 and #3 are infidelity and withholding affection. Read points #5 and #8. There are other reasons as well, but these three cover about 70% of them. The other 30% have to do with things like substance abuse, something which can usually be avoided if the top three are in order.

[minnesota_bound]

#55

[jttpwalsh]

Thanks for your reply !

[baddog 219]

I did. 10 years ago. Married a woman from China. She treats me so well, and a great cook. She says that I’m the best thing that happened to her.

[jocon307]

I don’t really remember Blood Simple, just the one scene, I think it was that that got to us. It got to me for sure, but I’m not sure hubby felt the same way. I could tell you, but it would be a bit of a spoiler.

Oh Brother where art thou was most amusing. My daughter and her friends LOVED it. I know it was an Odyssey riff, but I gotta say I never really got that angle either. I gotta say I know George Clooney is a stinking lib, but the guy just oozes charm!

[editor-surveyor]

.
>> “Boy, she sounds like a keeper.” <<

.
Some fool didn’t think so!
.

[ctdonath2]

Question: is that a regular replaceable doormat, or is the phrase etched into the porch concrete?

[ctdonath2]

Blood Simple

[editor-surveyor]

Marriage isn't about moral high ground, its about forgiving, and going the extra mile.

Matthew 6:15

“But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

[OrangeHoof]

3. I emasculated him.

I thought love was about honesty, but we all know that the truth hurts. As we grew more comfortable (read: lazy) in our relationship, I stopped trying to take the sting out it. I talked smack to my girlfriends, my mom, my co-workers. All. The. Time. "Can you believe he didn't do this?" and "Why in God's name did he do THAT?"

Instead of building up his ego, I trampled all over it. I belittled him often, saying his job was unimportant and dismissing his friends as "hangers-on." I berated him for doing things wrong when, in all honesty, he just wasn't doing them my way. At times I spoke to him like a child. I controlled the family finances and grilled him over every single penny he spent. And in the bedroom -- yup, you guessed it -- he was doing that all wrong too, and I wasn't shy about telling him so. As our marriage crumbled, I found myself constantly looking for faults and mistakes so that I could justify my superiority. By the end, I had zero respect for him and I made sure he knew it and felt it every day.

=========================

This is the big one. A man comes home to relieve himself of the pressures he faces at work; to be reassured and supported by those who claim to love him.

If he doesn't get that, he'll look elsewhere for it. That's just the cold, hard truth.

In the book of Proverbs it says "It is better for a man to live on the corner of a roof than in the house of a contentious woman." That can be funny but it is also true. A man is miserable if he comes home to a woman who can never be pleased.

Likely, the man in this tale deserved some of what was coming to him but far too often the women in these tales are both perplexed as to why the man cheated/left her and indignant in their self-righteousness while not ever seeing their part in the collapse of the marriage.

[Mama Shawna]

I've posted this before, and will post it again, and have given this advice to others. Been with the same man for 31+ years, married for 22:

Keep his belly full, his ego boosted, and his balls empty, and he will worship the ground you walk on.

Works for me.

[Tamzee]

“I heard the other day (can’t remember where, maybe it was here even) that the Bible says a man must love his wife and a woman must respect her husband, so this leaped out at me.”

My husband and I had a not-so-great marriage for 20 years with a lot of the typical anger, power struggles, bickering, not talking for days. Then we found this - The Love and Respect ministry from the Eggerich couple. It is all Bible based and focuses greatly on what you just said. And it gave us a completely different marriage.... such incredible joy and peace. I never knew marriage could ever be this happy!

Look to God’s word, He always has the best plan :-)

http://loveandrespect.com/

[txhurl]

Your man posts (honest and legitimate as they are) are why marriage is doomed. Men don’t get women, and women don’t get men.

If we did, there wouldn’t be such a thing as divorce.

[jocon307]

Thanks for that link!

[dsrtsage]

I learned long ago to just gracefully lose an argument, because there is nothing in this world worse than winning an argument with a woman