Posted on 09/10/2013 1:19:57 PM PDT by knarf
Have a laugh ... have a heart .. give us a break ...
here is a laugh for you.
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.
.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . ...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
<
Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other young folks you know who could use a good laugh.
Stop. I didn’t wear waterproof mascara to the bingo game.
Waterproof mascara?
Isn’t that a tattoo?
ROFL!!!! I can barely see through the tears from laughing. The last one made me double over!! Thanks for posting. LOL
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
The last 6 or 8 months have been a laugh riot by my replies to my wife
I can't remember them, but I'm constantly replying to what I'm sure I heard, only to find out ... after she calms down from LHAO, that I am totally wrong.
No, but it’s dang hard to remove.
~~ Self Edit Joke. Can only post the punchline ~~
... So Ralph turns to Edgar and says; “ Uggh. I think I’ll have the soup.”
Yup. I laughed out loud and almost...well.....
I have to laugh at myself, especially in the mornings, after showering.. I no longer wipe off the steam on my mirror as I dry off, and I find that I start off the day in a much better mood.. LOLOLOL
I had one of these moment’s while having dinner at Lutece in New York about 20 years ago.
My wife leaned over to tell me that Tim Conway was sitting at the next table which I think Mr. Conway heard very clearly. My response to my wife was, Yes Zimbabwe in South Africa what about it?
My wife burst into hysterical laughter and Tim Conway probably not hearing my response just glared at me for what seemed like forever.
Mirrors are no joke. You know, at 5 feet, your virtual image is 10 feet away, and I find that with the proper lighting, my powers of self-delusion are equal to the occasion at that distance.
An elderly man went to get his yearly physical. It just so happened that the doctor was a deacon at the church the old man attended and had not seen the old man at church for several weeks so he asked “Harvey, who is your spiritual walk?”
Harvey replied; “Never better doc! In fact you know for the several weeks when I have to get up in the middle of the night because of my prostate the Lord turns the bathroom light on for me!”
The doctor was dumbfounded by that answer but as he had another patient asked Harvey if they talk later. Harvey agreed and left. The next day the doctor saw Harvey’s wife in the store and related his conversation to her.She shuffled her feet a moment and said: “He’s been peeing in the refrigerator”
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