I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!

none ^ | now | me

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Hey All,

I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.

Thanks,

BG & R 99

[dyed_in_the_wool]

An Iranian, a Syrian and an Egyptian are driving through Florida...
Oh, never mind.

[Whitebread]

Q: What Does a Catholic Priest and Macy's have in commom?

A: Little boys' pants 1/2 off!

[oldsalt]

A duck goes into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender says,"How are you gonna pay for this,you're a duck!"

The duck says,"Put it on my bill!"

[Commander8]

Q. How can you identify Dolly Parton's children?
A. The stretch marks on their mouths.
Q. What do you call a gay man in a wheelchair?
A. Rolaids.
Q. What does S&M have to do with amnesia?
A. Beats the heck out of me.

[Reaganesque]

A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says to him, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says "Why would any one name a drink Phil?"

[Pistias]

A guy and his girlfriend are driving down the road, and she gets a bit frisky with him, so he whips off the road and into a cornfield.

Afterwards, they try to leave and find the car is stuck in the mud. Pushing, rocking, nothing works. Finally, the guy says, "Well, honey, let's stick our clothes under the wheels and see if we can get any traction that way."

Lo and Behold, the plan results in nothing but the muddy destruction of their clothes. Puzzled, the young woman says, "Look, honey! A farmhouse! Should we go ask for help?"

"You'd better go," he says loooking down. "I think you'll get a better reception."

"But what can I wear?" she asks.

"This," he says, handing her one of his Nikes. "Just cover what most needs covering and go up there and tell him I'm stuck. Ask him to bring a tractor."

So she covers herself and walks up to the door. When she rings the bell the old farmer comes out and is understandably shocked (and not a little delighted, no doubt) to see a nubile young woman naked as a jaybird at his door. "What seems to be the trouble, ma'am?" he asks.

"Well, my boyfriend's stuck. Can you get your tractor?"

Looking down at the shoe, the farmer takes off his hat, scratches his head and remarks, "well, hon, he's so far in there I don't think a tractor will do it."

[M. T. Cicero II]

How do you make pickle bread?

With dill dough.

[M. T. Cicero II]

From a Red Foxx 50's Vegas routine:

A fag is walking down the street with a dwarf under his arm. He walks up to another fag and says: "You want a drag off of this before I throw it away?"

[M. T. Cicero II]

What's the difference between a rosa and a BMW? With a rose, the pricks are on the inside.

[M. T. Cicero II]

A mouse sees an elephant trapped in a hole. The elephant asks the mouse to get him out. So the mouse gets his Corvette, ties a line to the axle and drops the line into the hole. The elephant then grabs the line and the mouse pulls him out. The elephant sees the mouse trapped in the same hole. The mouse asks him to get him out. So the elephant drops his member down the hole and the mouse climbs out.

The moral of the story? If you have a big member, you don't need a Corvette!

[M. T. Cicero II]

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! Good one!

[Robe]

Gotta Save all of this

[Robe]

Don’t Know if some already told this but .........
Monica Lewinski moves to New York and in getting settled visited the corner cleaners which has a sign on the door that reads “Please speak up, Owner hard of hearing!”
Monica puts her clothes on the counter and says “ I’d like these back by Tuesday”
Owner....What ya Say?
Monica.....I’d like these back by Tuesday
Owner.... “Ya gotta speak up little lady, I can’t hear good”
Monica....I’d like these back by Tuesday....
Owner..... Come again?....
Monica...... No ,..it’s Mayonnaise

[capitan_refugio]

Oh no!

I wonder if it was the same leper who kept failing his driving test? Yeah, he kept leaving his foot on the clutch.

[Revelation 911]

whats the difference between a lawyer and roadkill ?

there are skidmarks in front of the roadkill

[Revelation 911]

what do you call a man in front of a door with no arms and legs?

Matt

What to you call a girl at the beach with no arms and legs?

Sandy

What do you call a guy on a pedestal with no arms and no legs?

Art

What do you call a quadraplegic Unitarian?

Christopher Reeve

What do you call a airport security guard with no arms or legs?

Pat

What do you call a sailor with no arms or legs

Ballast

[Bon mots]

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs waterskiing?
Skip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the mailbox?
Bill.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the swimming pool?
Bob

[Revelation 911]

what do you call an overstuffed swine whos magazine is on the skids?

Rosie

[Wrigley]

Ouch. LOL

[Grit]

Q: What's brown and sticky?




A: A stick.