Keyword: iowahawk
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A Fistful of Rebates It’s halftime. Both teams are in their locker rooms discussing what they can do to win this game in the second half. Diagramming plays. Texting their agents and German supermodel wives. Reviewing Belichick's aerial spy photos. It’s halftime in America, too. People are hurting, and it isn't because of towel snapping and the ol' Kramergesic-in-the-jockstrap prank. They’re beat up and bruised, and wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. We’re all scared, because this isn’t a game. And because we're up against the Dragons and their all-Asia linebacker Hong Kong Chong with his...
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[ed note: Found! In a dumpster behind Hamburg Inn, the first draft of University of Iowa professor Stephen G. Bloom's anthropology dissertation for Atlantic magazine explaining the bizarre cultural mores of the primative Aborigines who pay his salary.] IOWA CITY -- On January 3, Iowans will trudge through snow, sleet, sludge, mud, ice, corn, beans, pig feces, flaming lakes of ethanol, gale-force blizzards -- whatever it takes -- to join their neighbors that evening in 1,784 living rooms, barns, community halls, recreation barns, silos, wigwams, and public-school Corn God sacrifice altars in a kind of Norman Rockwell-meets-HR Geiger old timey...
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excerpt: Hello Faddah, Hello Mama, I'm Occupying, Camp Obama, I'm protesting, Wall Street grabbings, And trying to avoid the hobo stabbings
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With Apologies to Allan Sherman Hello Faddah Hello Mama I'm Occupying Camp Obama I'm protesting Wall Street grabbings And trying to avoid the hobo stabbings On my iPhone With my last tweet I down-twinkled Jews on Wall Street Please don't worry About psychosis 'Cause my Guy Fawkes mask repels tuberculosis
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A Very Special Announcementby T. Coddington Van Voorhees VIIContinued
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<p>Juan? Hola, amigo! Como esta?</p>
<p>Fine, fine. And how are Lupe and the kids?</p>
<p>College already? Boy, how time flies. Has she picked a major?</p>
<p>Splendid. And how is Juan Jr.? He's what now, 13, 14? The last time I saw him he was only...</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
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WASHINGTON - Today's uncovering of secret multi-agency program for shipping illegal Gibson guitars to Mexican drug cartels left red-faced officials of the U.S. Department of Justice scrambling for an explanation amid angry calls for a Congressional investigation. Continued
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August 2 is but a few days away, and you know what that means: I need to buy mom a birthday card. Also THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUDGETARY MELTDOWN END DAYS WHERE WE FACE FINAL ARMAGEDDON UNLESS WASHINGTON GETS ITS BAR TAB RAISED ANOTHER TRILLION. Or something. I know the consequences of failing to do so are too horrible to contemplate, but I went ahead and contemplated them anyway. This resulted in a bunch of 140-characters-or-less prophecies for the Twitter hashtag #ConsequencesofDefault, which I have edited and compiled for your edification. If my inner Nostradamus is any guide, the post-apocalyptic...
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President Obama graciously offered to take questions submitted via Twitter today, courtesy the #AskObama hashtag. Being an inquisitive sort, I decided to submit a few that have been nagging me (I am on Twitter, by the way). Although he declined to answer any, I thought I'd warehouse them here in case he ever gets around to them: Continued
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You can follow the great satirist and FReeper Iowahawk on Facebook and Twitter! Iowahawk on FacebookIowahawk on Twitter
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JEBEDAIAH BURGUNDY Welcome to Springfield and the 1858 debate for the United States Senate seat from the great state of Illinois, brought to you by the Sangamon County Picayune-Gazetteer. We have a full agenda of issues to discuss so let us proceed directly to the introductions. Continued
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Alas, it appears now that no one will be cashing in on my Weiner Hacker bounty. To reflect on this solemn occasion, I would like to offer a bit of poetry (with apologies to Percy Bysshe Shelley).Continued
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Excerpts from the new Inspector Dan Rather mysterySecrets are funny things. The harder you try to keep them under wraps, the harder they spring up in the most embarrassing places. And in my line of business, you learn that no matter how you try thinking about baseball those secrets can jump right out of their soft cotton comfort and put you on ice permanently.My name is Rather. And I'm a dick. Continued
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I have never been much of a community activist, but I can no longer sit idly while America remains at risk of attack by the most nefarious identity thief in the history of Internet. And cheap page views are to be had. Continued
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Welcome distinguished faculty, honored guests, and bankrupt parents. And above all, welcome to you - the eager and unemployable graduates of the Class of 2011. Today represents the culmination of a long safari through the murky thickets of this impenetrable rain forest we call "higher education." Just a few years ago you arrived for your freshman orientation, full of wide-eyed anticipation and existential dread, wondering if this place would eat you alive. Soon though - through luck, pluck, and enormous amounts of mind altering substances - you adapted to your new surroundings. Continued
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[ed note: Found! Under a hors d'oeuvres tray at a Tina Brown cocktail party, the first draft of Bernard Henri-Levy's Daily Beast cri de coeur on behalf of his ami Dominique Strauss-Kahn]Continued
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TRANSCRIPT WH-011/b-119 (DOD COMSPEC)JSOC CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTCLEARANCE G2 REQUIREDContinued
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