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How the Fight Started
suddenly senior ^
| 3/23/2020
| multiple
Posted on 03/23/2020 9:31:06 AM PDT by sodpoodle
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didnt buy her a gift.
When she asked me why I replied,
Well, you still havent used the gift I bought you last year!
And thats how the fight started
THE MARINE PILOT
The teacher gave her 5th-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story w/a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back &, one by one began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk & pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
Janie, do you have a story to share?
Yes, maam. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, & her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, & all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, & a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldnt break, & then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them w/the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more w/the knife, till the blade broke, & then she killed the last Iraqi w/her bare hands.
Good Heavens, said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
Dont f*** with Mommy when shes been drinking.
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, Do you want to have sex?
No, she answered.
I then said,Is that your final answer?
She didnt even look at me this time, simply saying, Yes..
So I said, Then Id like to phone a friend.
And thats how the fight started
THE BLACK BRA (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Heres how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, You are the woman of my dreams
I love you. Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didnt say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this..)
"What's for dinner ZORRO?"
TOPICS: Humor; Society
KEYWORDS: fightstarted; humor; naughty
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1
posted on
03/23/2020 9:31:06 AM PDT
by
sodpoodle
To: sodpoodle
Thanks Sod....Hope you are well....Love Sac
To: sodpoodle
A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbor knocks at his door. He answers eagerly and she asks him, “Are you free tonight?”
He blurts out, “Yes!”
She asks, “Great! Would you watch my kids?”
3
posted on
03/23/2020 9:42:29 AM PDT
by
Zhang Fei
(My dad had a Delta 88. That was a car. It was like driving your living room.)
To: sodpoodle
Don’t mess with mommy. That one made me laugh.
4
posted on
03/23/2020 9:43:46 AM PDT
by
SaveFerris
(Luke 17:28 ... as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold ......)
To: sodpoodle
5
posted on
03/23/2020 9:44:47 AM PDT
by
budj
(Combat vet, 2nd of three generations.)
To: Sacajaweau
You are always so sweet.
Have a few health issues, but hanging in there with the help of my wonderful sons & daughters.
Thank you and God bless, Sod.
6
posted on
03/23/2020 9:46:18 AM PDT
by
sodpoodle
(Life is prickly - carry tweezers)
To: sodpoodle
Wife and I were dressing for a formal affair and I commented that her pantyhose was wrinkled.
Turns out she wasn't wearing pantyhose.
And that's when the fight started.
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway"
The doctors say I will walk again, once my testicles descend, but I will always have a limp.
I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt"
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too."
And that's then the fight started.
one for the road
I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.
7
posted on
03/23/2020 9:48:55 AM PDT
by
stylin19a
(((2016 - Best.Election.Of.All.Times.Ever.In.The.History.Of.Ever)))
To: sodpoodle
8
posted on
03/23/2020 9:49:39 AM PDT
by
redinIllinois
(Pro-life, accountant, gun-totin' Grandma - mui issue voter)
To: sodpoodle
9
posted on
03/23/2020 9:51:52 AM PDT
by
oldenuff35
(-)
To: stylin19a
[My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started.]
LOL
[I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said “I am NOT happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
That’s how the fight started.]
LOL
10
posted on
03/23/2020 9:54:43 AM PDT
by
SaveFerris
(Luke 17:28 ... as it was in the days of Lot; they did eat, they drank, they bought, they sold ......)
To: sodpoodle
Little Johnny jokes are my favorite, but most cannot be repeated here
11
posted on
03/23/2020 9:54:49 AM PDT
by
HangnJudge
(Kipling was right about humanity)
To: sodpoodle
ok, one more then I'll shut up
Joe and his wife are standing in line at the bank.
The guy in front of them puts on a mask and robs the bank.
The mask falls off, the teller sees his face so robber shoots the teller dead.
Robber puts the mask back on and turns around to Joe and ask: "Did you see my face ?"
Joe replies and nods towards his wife: "No...but she did.".
12
posted on
03/23/2020 9:56:32 AM PDT
by
stylin19a
(((2016 - Best.Election.Of.All.Times.Ever.In.The.History.Of.Ever)))
To: sodpoodle
Thanks for the much needed laughs!
13
posted on
03/23/2020 9:58:18 AM PDT
by
blu
To: sodpoodle
"What's for dinner ZORRO?" Truly LOL!!!
14
posted on
03/23/2020 10:01:56 AM PDT
by
pax_et_bonum
(God is good, He loves us, and He is always with us.)
To: stylin19a
To: sodpoodle
Thanks. Good way to break the covid-19 blues.
To: sodpoodle
Hahahahaha...love the last one!
17
posted on
03/23/2020 10:22:38 AM PDT
by
rlmorel
(The Coronavirus itself will not burn down humanity. But we may burn ourselves down to be rid of it.)
To: sodpoodle
My favorite old Trapper joke, historic and Hudson Bay all at the same time. You know what they call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
And thats how the fight started
18
posted on
03/23/2020 10:57:38 AM PDT
by
OftheOhio
(never could dance but always could kata - Romeo company)
To: stylin19a
Thanks for posting these. I need to read something besides coronavirus posts once in awhile.
19
posted on
03/23/2020 11:02:10 AM PDT
by
FormerFRLurker
(Keep calm and vote your conscience.)
To: sodpoodle
Nice. Thanks for the laughs, sodpoodle.
20
posted on
03/23/2020 11:09:03 AM PDT
by
lepton
("It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into"--Jonathan Swift)
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