How the Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The teacher gave her 5th-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story w/a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back &, one by one began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk & pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, & her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, & all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, & a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, & then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them w/the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more w/the knife, till the blade broke, & then she killed the last Iraqi w/her bare hands.”

“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

Wife and I were dressing for a formal affair and I commented that her pantyhose was wrinkled.
Turns out she wasn't wearing pantyhose.
And that's when the fight started.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway"
The doctors say I will walk again, once my testicles descend, but I will always have a limp.

I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt"
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability too."
And that's then the fight started.

one for the road

I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.

[My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 225 in about 2 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started.]

LOL

[I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said “I am NOT happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
That’s how the fight started.]

LOL

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