A duck walks into a bar.
"Got any grapes?" he asks the bartender.
So the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back.
"Got any grapes?" he asks.
"Nope," says the bartender.
The next day....the duck comes back again.
"Got any grapes?"
"Look, duck," says the bartender, "I didn't have any grapes yesterday, I don't have any today, and I'm not going to have any tomorrow.
And if you come back here asking for grapes again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the bar."
The duck leaves....
The next day, the duck comes back.
He walks up to the bartender.
"Got any nails?"
"Got any grapes?"
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks in the back.
A police officer pulls him over and tells him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks.
The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore. He tells the policeman that the ducks are driving him crazy.
The officer says, "Why don't you take them to the zoo? The zoo's a great place for ducks!"
The man is very happy about the zoo idea. He thanks the officer and drives off.
The next day the officer sees the pick-up truck, once again, speeding down the road.
The only difference is that this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses.
The officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!"
"I did!," said the driver, "Today they want to go to the beach!"
A dog goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Get out of my bar! We don't serve dogs in here!"
So the dog leaves.
The next day the dog goes back into the same bar. He sits at the bar and says, "I'd like an ice-cold beer!"
The bartender says, "Get out of here! I told you yesterday that we don't serve dogs in here!"
So the dog leaves.
The next day the dog goes back into the bar and, once again, orders an ice-cold beer.
The bartender gets his gun and shoots the dog in the foot.
The dog leaves.
The next day the dog goes back to the bar.
He sits at the bar, looks the bartender in the eye and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Why are pirates pirates?
Because they AAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
A man in Topeka , Kansas , decided to write a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco , and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign that read, "$10,000 per minute.
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Salt Lake City , Denver , Chicago , Milwaukee, and around the United States , he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.
Finally, the man arrived in the great state of Texas.
Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, the man approached the pastor with a question.
"Reverend," he said, "I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God.... But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. ...Why is that?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in Texas now, and it's a local call."
You can take the gal outa Texas but you can't take Texas outa the gal.
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