Skip to comments.Julius Exclusus
Posted on 04/30/2002 10:03:11 PM PDT by drstevej
[Pope Julius II, on dying, arrives in heaven expecting a glorious welcome, but Saint Peter demands that he, like any other heaven-bound soul, justify his entrance.]
Julius: What the devil is up? The gates not open? Someone has monkied with the key.
Spirit: Maybe you have the wrong key. You've got the key of power.
Julius: It's the only one I ever had. I'll bang. Hey, porter, are you asleep or drunk?
Peter: Immortal God, what a stench! I'll peek through this crack till I know what's up. Who are you?
Julius: Can't you see this key, the triple crown and the pallium sparkling with gems?
Peter: It doesn't look like the key Christ gave to me. How should I know the crown which no barbarian tyrant dared to wear? As for the gems and the jewels, I trample them under my feet.
Julius: Come on now. I am Julius, the Ligurian, and I suppose you know these two letters [pointing to his chest] "P.M." If you can read.
Peter: Pestus Maximus.
Julius: Pontifex Maximus.
Peter: I don't care if you are Mercury Trismegistus, unless your life is saintly.
Julius: Saintly! For centuries you have been only a saint and I have been most saintly, sanctissimus, with six thousand bulls to prove it.
Peter: You are called sanctissimus, but are you sanctus? You don't look it: cassock over armor, eyes savage, mouth insolent, forehaead brazen, eyebrows arrogant, body poxed with debauchery, reeking with drink, a shambles of a man.
Peter: I expect that you are Julian the Apostate back from Hell.
Julius: Come on now. If you don't open now I'll strike you with the lightning of excommunication. The bull is ready.
Peter: Bull? I never heard anything like that from Christ. What authority have you to excommunicate me?
Julius: Why you are a mere priest, if even that.
Peter: Show your merits. No entry without merits. Have you taught true doctrine?
Jullus: Too busy fighting. The friars look after that.
Peter: Have you won souls to Christ by holiness?
Spirit: He has sent plenty to Hell!
Peter: Have you worked miracles?
Julius: They are out of date.
Peter: Have you prayed and fasted?
Spirit: This is getting nowhere.
Peter: Well now, what is this rabble along with you?
Julius: Soldiers who died fighting for me. I promissed them heaven if they did.
Peter: So, these are the ones who tried to crash the gate a while ago?
Julius: And you didn't let them in?
Peter: I admit only those who clothe the naked, feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, visit the sick and those in prison. Incidentally, why do call yourself a Ligurian? Does the family of Christ make any difference?
Julius: I want my country to have the credit of me.
Peter: You know, I am surprised the papacy is so sought after. In my day it was hard to get even priests and deacons.
Julius: Of course. You had only fasts, vigils and perhaps death. Today bishops are lords.
Peter: Tell me now. Why did you attack Bologna? Was it heretical?
Peter: Was Bentivogilio a tyrant?
Peter: Why then?
Julius: I needed revenue
Peter: Why did you harass Ferrara?
Julius: I needed it for my son!
Peter: What? Popes with wives and sons?
Julius: No, sons, not wives.
Peter: Is it possible to get rid of a pope say for murder, patricide, fornication, incest, simony, sacrilege or blasphemy?
Julius: Add six hundred more and the answer is still no. He can only be deposed for heresy and he determines what is heresy!
(the curtain falls)
And what did Erasmus think of Pope Leo X?
Probably not on The Neverending Story thread. Erasmus' 16th century critique was from one who remained within the RCC. If you have a parallel internal critique of a contemporary Protestant, by all means post it.
By the way, I liked the story.
I am not sure I understand your statement / question... sorry
It says more about Julius than the Roman Catholic Church.
Luther was much more spiritually mature than the average professing Christian. He was giving counsel to a goody-two-shoes Pharisee/legalist who didn't think he was all that bad, and didn't reeeally think he had much of which to repent.
Luther (tongue-in-cheek) told him to go out and do something "reeeeeeeeally bad" so that he would have something to repent of.
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