Posted on 04/22/2018 11:48:52 AM PDT by Hostage
A male friend from my community has a shared custody arrangement of his son who at 10 years old is similar in age to my own son. The father and I have known each other for seven years and we have developed a friendship.
This is a summary of events the father has shared with me over the past several years. He is pretty closed lip but knows I can be trusted to keep his personal matters private. We share a lot as our boys are often in the same activities together like baseball, karate, biking. I try to be helpful where I can.
As a Christian, he was distressed by a long divorce process that left him shaken by the court system and by the power of Child Protective Services (CPS) which at one time his ex-wife had called in to investigate him on false charges as a ploy to get full custody. This is I think a fairly typical story but later circumstances involving a counseling network and CPS appear unique or at least not part of my knowledge base.
He seemed particularly fearful of CPS and the damage they could do to innocent parents. He survived CPS but came away wanting to avoid them in any way possible. He said they have no duty to families or to truth-seeking, only to the state statutes that govern them. I would not expect it to be different.
He had wanted to relocate but the joint custody order would not allow either parent to have the child removed from the county, even temporarily for visitation, without the court's permission. He was as fearful of the family court system as he was of CPS. He felt he had received a good deal in comparison to other fathers and didn't wish to press his luck. So he was stuck.
His ex-wife found a boyfriend that she moved in with. During initial periods of visitation with the mother, the child appeared to be fine with the arrangement, happy to have attention showered on him in both households.
After a time, the mother's boyfriend became hostile toward the child leaving the child not wanting to go see his mother. This left the father in a crisis because he could not violate the parenting court order and yet his child was begging to not go see the mother.
The father who is a capable individual and fairly strong in demeanor becomes cowed at the prospect of going to family court. He becomes a different sort of man when matters of family court occupy his thoughts. He changes from a strong male to a cowering wimp. He will not directly talk to his ex-wife. He communicates with her only by email so as to leave a record should it ever be necessary to appear in family court. In each email response, he says he measures every word he writes knowing that the emails can appear as exhibits in court motions. To that, I have to say he is smart. From his private conversations with me, I heard he at one time had a very capable attorney which I imagine helped him stay out of trouble.
He persuaded his son to visit his mother if he could somehow shorten the visits. The father says he was able to shorten the visits by agreement with the mother based on the child's activity schedule; sports, camps, etc.
But over the course of about a year, the hostility of the ex-wife's boyfriend turned to abuse. The abuse was both psychological and physical. For example, the father says his son was told to stay in his room an entire day with nothing to read or look at because he had apparently not shown the proper level of respect to the mother's boyfriend. The father says at one point the boyfriend allegedly lifted him up by his neck to tell him eye-to-eye that if he ever looked showed disrespect again, that the boyfriend would kill him. But no visible marks remained after alleged incidents of physical abuse. According to the father, his son trembled with fear at the prospect of returning to his mother's for visitation. At one point there was an argument between the mother and the boyfriend that resulted in a 911 call. This was, according to the father, hard evidence that he could use in court to show an unsafe environment existed at the residence of the mother.
But this story is not so much about problems in a divorced family as it is about how family counseling and the state can make a bad situation worse.
My friend felt strongly but reluctantly that he had to go to court and bring this to the court's attention but he was still fearful. I admired his facing the responsibility to stand up for his son. He asked me for feedback. I told him he might need to consider a third-party evaluation of his son to obtain objective evidence for the court to weigh. He said that was what he would do.
A few weeks later I saw him at baseball practice where our sons were on the same team. I asked him how things were going and he told me that things were awful and that he was keeping a low profile everywhere he went. He wouldn't answer his phone, he wouldn't answer his door, he had to screen most everything. He said he was fearful even to bring his son to baseball practice.
He had a hired a 'Christian Family Counselor' to hear his son give testimony about the mother's boyfriend. He wanted to have a record for the court of the counseling testimony and if necessary, he might need the counselor to appear in court to testify. According to him, things started out very well with the family counselor as a clear understanding was reached for the purpose of the counseling (court case evidence). He told me the counselor was young but very positive and seemingly competent. He said his son was very happy with the counselor and was thankful to his father for bringing him to the counseling sessions.
The clinic was a part of a Christian counseling network. The father told me he thought that a Christian clinic would be less inclined to heighten conflicts like some attorney firms would do in order to churn out more billable hours. Using a Christian network, he thought the process would somehow be more gentle.
On the second visit to the counselor, he told me the counselor concluded the session with his son and came to the lobby to tell the father to meet him in his office. In the office, the father was told that the counselor had obtained from his son a record of alleged abuse and that he had a duty, that he was required by the state to report to the state's CPS that child abuse was occurring in the mother's home. The counselor said he would need the child's social security number and his date of birth. The father said he didn't know his son's SSN off hand. The father hurriedly left the counseling clinic after promising he would email that information.
Then the father went quiet. He never emailed the information to the counselor and left an after-hours message to the counselor that he wasn't happy with the counseling rendered and would be seeking a different counselor.
He told me that CPS has no duty to God, their only duty is to the State. He said he was appalled that a HIPAA regulated service such as family counseling would inflame a family conflict thereby possibly rendering a delicate situation into a monstrous spectacle. All he wanted was an evaluation letter from the counselor, not an intervention by CPS.
I asked him why he thought CPS could not be trusted to investigate the mother's boyfriend.
Apparently, CPS interviews all parties during an investigation and treats all parties as suspects.
The father told me he simply couldn't take the risk. He said the risk was high that CPS would turn his life and the life of his son upside down. Unlike dealing with law enforcement, there is not a clear right to have an attorney present when talking with CPS investigators. Actually, there is a means for legal representation, but it's not generally known or manageable as CPS has authority beyond law enforcement to take a child in the 'interest' of the child, without a clear warrant.
Sad.
I don’t involve myself in his affairs unless he asks first. But definitely, if he talks about it and asks, I am going to tell him to look at the school counselor angle and tell him to be careful.
For those peeking in, a school counselor might be a good solution because he/she is employed by the government and should have similar authority to keep things from going into hysterics such as with a CPS investigation.
The school counselor is also approachable by parents to discuss a variety of matters about their child. So in this case, if the father makes an appointment with the school counselor, and talks about ‘potential’ problems of the mother and her boyfriend, the school counselor can call the child in and document what’s going on which can then be used by the parent (father in this case) to get a temporary restraining order. The school counselor’s report can serve as probable cause for the TRO.
One question is whether the school counselor can know the child is safe with the parent in the home where no abuse is taking place. I think the answer should be yes. The school counselor can ask the child directly if they feel everything is good at home, safety, comfort, etc. If the child says yes, the school counselor can write that in the report recommending the child stay with the non-abusing parent pending the outcome of the court case
The thing to be careful for is to confirm the school counselor is not mandated to call CPS at the moment a child abuse incident is alleged. The school counselor is a government position and one would think he/she should have authority to write a report which recommends where the child stays until the court hears the case.
This might work.
> “ the son will or should have learned respect for his father as he gets older.”
Without question.
If they are licensed by the state they have to report to the state.
Not sure how that could have escaped your attention.
He needs a lawyer. A lawyer is the one official who has no duty to report once he is hired.
He also needs to realize that by his NOT reporting he is putting his son and himself in jeopardy.
"So you knew the boyfriend was abusing your son and did nothing to protect him?" Will be the question and "I was afraid of the system" will not be considered a good answer.
Tell the father to get a voice activated tape recorder that the son can place in his room or in the house so when the abuse happens again, there would be a record of it.
Covered in links in #58 above.
I asked him something similar to this before. He said one has to be careful to record people without their consent.
Leaving a voice message is considered consent.
A witness listening in during an ongoing call can testify but it would be good for the caller to tell the abuser they are on the phone with someone who can hear. A child may not understand to do this.
I was shocked to hear a parent can actually go to jail for recording someone without consent. But now I am used to it.
Why would CPS put the boy in a foster home when he has a perfectly good home with his father?
I am told they treat all parties as suspects.
Apparently, all sorts of lies run rampant in the family court system and no one is taken at face value until things get sorted out.
While the sorting gets done, the child gets the shaft.
That’s why this father is afraid to have CPS involved. They shoot first and ask questions later.
Sounds like he wants to eat his cake and have it too. He wants to use if for the state but not let them know his kid is being abused? He's dealing with court, he should use a lawyer. As for wanting to avoid "heightened conflict", that ship has already sailed. He should be more concerned with winning the conflict, not avoiding it, if his son is being abused. Ultimately that will mean CPS being involved. He should bite the bullet and lawyer up and let the lawyer contact CPS.
BTW, there's nothing to stop his son from reporting the abuse to officials.
it is strange to think that a ‘Christian’ service has a duty to the state first before having a duty to a family in a Christian setting. This puzzles me.
It is the law in some states that obligates Christian counselors and pastors to report (MN is one). They will usually warn you up front about it.
If it is as bad as you describe, he should already have one.
Running away is not helping his son.
“Margaret Graf, legal counsel for the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles, told the participants that California is one of about 30 states with mandated reporting laws.
According to state law, mandated reporters are required to disclose to law enforcement or Child Protective Services whenever they, in their professional capacity, know of or observe a child they have a reasonable suspicion is the victim of abuse.
But there’s an exception. Clergy are not required to report knowledge of abuse if it was acquired during penitential communication, the law states, meaning the information was revealed when no other person was present and with the expectation that it would be kept in confidence.”
http://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/courts/sd-me-clergy-notebook-20170429-story.html
“The Pennsylvania law regarding mandated reporting enumerates clergy as mandated reporters, however, it does uphold clergy-penitent confidentiality privileges in pastoral communications (i.e. in counseling sessions and the confessional booth). Practically, this means that if a member of the clergy suspects a child is being abused he is mandated to report it, but if a member of his congregation confesses to abusing a child in a counseling session where a reasonable assumption of privacy is present, that clergy is not mandated by law to report what he/she has been told. Only clergy and attorney’s are granted this confidentiality exception to the law.”
http://www.pachurchesadvocacy.org/index_files/Page2894.htm
“Every state has a child abuse reporting law that requires persons designated as “mandatory reporters” to report known or reasonably suspected incidents of child abuse. As Table 1 (see page 4) illustrates, ministers are mandatory reporters in many states, but some states exempt them from the reporting obligation if they learned of the abuse in the course of a conversation protected by the clergy-penitent privilege.”
https://www.churchlawandtax.com/cltr/2015/may-june/child-abuse-reporting-and-clergy-privilege.html
FWIW, I’ve never heard of needing a SSN to report. For most professionals, if you suspect, you are legally required to report any information that might help in addressing the abuse.
The first thing he should is get an experienced ATTORNEY!!!!
Let the attorney devise a plan for evidence
I would absolutely NOT have him play amateur sleuth and not have him make his own plan to gather evidence.
A good Christian family law attorney will know exactly how to proceed. Been there, done that. I ended up with joint custody and a Rock solid Decree. I went through a lengthy jury trial and my ex-wife had a very high profile scumbag atty (2nd of 3 law firms). I “lost” the jury trial but the Judge did much to overturn in the Decree.
It may get costly but it needs to be done.
He was a Police Officer and the local Drug Cop, it set his career back by about 10 years, he made Sargent a couple years ago.
My experience and plan of action as well. There are few situations that bringing in the government can’t make worse.
In my dealing with numerous families, I’ve found “Family law” looks to neither law or families. It is automatically a adversarial approach. Even when one or more parties act in good faith, they are assumed to be criminals. I have also never found anything different in “Christian” counseling. They may have a fish on their shingle, but they have the same methodology and lack of privacy.
As far as I know, the only place to find true privileged communication is in the confessional with an ordained priest. I am not Catholic or Orthodox, but I have suggested that others take that route. Sometimes you just need a place where you can speak without fear of retribution.
Every educator, every medical professional, every social worker MUST report suspected abuse, it is mandatory,and the professional will lose his license, maybe even face prison if he does not. Undoubtedly, the counselor has already given the authorities what information he does have and the father has made a terrible terrible mistake by not cooperating with the counselor. I think it is possible he could be arrested for child endangerment, failure to report, misprison of a felony, and goodness knows what else. Given the perversity of our legal system, he could be the one with his parental rights terminated, and the mother and boyfriend receiving full custody. Your friend needs to hire good lawyer and provide the counselor with the requested info. His failure to do so puts him in a very bad light!
It seems wrong that a family may think they are establishing trust in a Christian environment but in reality it’s the state watching and recording. The Christian counselor acts as a state agent.
I know the legal argument regarding liability but the bigger picture is that legalism encroaches on the church.
The business model of Christian Counseling is fraudulent. It is an office of the state. And the personnel of the state are in these matters unimpressive and unaccountable.
To separate a child from a good parent while things get’sorted out’ is an act that protects the state from accountability. It does nothing to increase health. The state employees who think they are’saving’ a child do not know that they are in fact damaging the child because they do not have knowledge of the situation on the ground.
That’s the problem, the state Does not know
See #58 above.
The father is intelligent and knows the family court system more than most people.
Attorneys are valuable but very limited in family court. Without evidence, the outcome is a roll of the dice. The outcome can boomerang.
Family court is a different creature than other venues of law.
All the homespun advice “Get a Lawyer” are ‘nice words’ only.
Of course, he knows when he needs a lawyer.
But he knows the system well enough to seek admissible evidence first, then talk to lawyers.
Is a Christian counselor a local, state, federal, civil service employee?
Given that government statutes rule Christian businesses, i would think the trend is a government takeover is slowly in process.
And Americans seem to be asleep to it.
This is a relatively recent development in American history. If government employees were superior in knowledge to private Americans, that would be one thing. But in general, government employees are not top drawer, not even near it.
To ask that a moribund force like CPS takeover a childhood is a wrong step.
Americans can do much better. But first they need to grow up and realize their legislators have run amok allowing wisdom to be replaced by unaccountability.
Wisdom comes from the Bible which has been pushed aside by legalism, the rule of lawyers who are ultimately ruled by bankers.
Awareness of this truth is prerequisite to a social movement for bringing back wisdom. Bring the Bible back into American life and many social problems will dissolve including school shootings and the 50% divorce rate.
But as it stands, a Christian family may not even seek Christian Counseling without a fear of ignorant unaccountable state persons turning their lives into hell.
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