Posted on 06/19/2003 8:29:45 AM PDT by Korth
On April 20, 2002 I married Stephen W. Carson after a 4-month courtship and 4-month engagement. Our marriage date marked for me almost five and one half years since I stopped dating, a decision I made at aged 23. Now I date almost every night – my husband!
Dating became a rather disheartening and shallow way of finding a mate, and so I made a rather unprecedented decision to stop. I say unprecedented because, while I am not the first one to do this, I am one of the only people I know, except for my husband who had independently also stopped dating almost one year before I did. During my abstinence from dating I received offers from men to go out and much to the dismay of my mother, turned them down. "How will you find a husband this way, Heather?" she asked, pining for grandchildren. With all vocabulary about courtship having been disposed of, I had no way of explaining that my heart’s desire was for exactly that – courtship, and so I usually said nothing or explained that I would be praying for God to provide. Now before you deem me a holy roller, allow me to elaborate on what brought me to this place.
During my undergraduate studies I wo rked as a Resident Advisor in a freshman dorm to help pay for school. My campus was rather unusual in that all of the dorms were still same-sex since the school was private and relatively conservative. At the beginning of the year I would sit down with the girls and go over dorm rules and answer any questions they might have. Many of these girls were away from home for the first time and welcomed the help. Each year, I would learn that many, if not most, of the freshman girls were virgins. One by one these girls came to me, after only a few months at college, wrestling with the desire of their new college boyfriends to be physical with them. One by one I counseled them to wait to have sex. Unfortunately, by the end of first semester, nearly all of them had become sexually active and were now nursing broken hearts, unplanned pregnancies or STDs, and were left with the question of how to cope with dating experiences gone awry. By the end of second semester these boyfriends had already broken up with the girls whose virginity they had taken and were pursuing other girls. Even as I look back, I am amazed at what I advised them since I was, at that time, actively dating and certainly had not been taught any rules about proper courtship.
My own dating experiences started out innocent enough. I began in high school around aged 14. I remember feeling uncomfortable left to make my own decisions about whom I would and would not date. I was asked out by a senior during my freshman year, and timidly turned him down feeling like I was making a major social blunder. I recall one date when the guy didn’t want to take me home right after the movie, which ended in a minor physical struggle before he finally agreed. My dating experiences in college were less traumatic, at first. But after a while, the lack of parental protection, and seeing so many of my peers going hog wild with their new sexual freedom, I grew rather cynical and began treating men worse than they treated me. My self-esteem plummeted. Finally, at aged 23 I decided to call it quits.
I see two main problems with dating as it is now. One is its purposelessness. I’ll illustrate this to explain. As a professional counselor, I’ve been asked to speak on the topic of dating numerous times at church youth groups. Youth pastors, church leaders, and parents are desperately trying to impress some kind of moral constraint on their youth by bringing in a "professional" to reconstruct the definition of dating. At these speaking engagements I look out into the faces of bright, eager youth and begin by having them think and rethink about their definition of dating, to somehow mold a definition that does not imply getting emotionally and physically involved without the proper protection that marital commitment brings. The lingo from the teens goes something like: "Dating means….being in a relationship". Or…"having a boyfriend/girlfriend." Or…"playing the field." Or (my personal favorite) …"getting to know each other."
What does all of this talk about relationships and boyfriends and girlfriends really mean? When I venture to ask those bright, eager faces they simply have no idea. This is dating: the act of being in a relationship or playing the field or getting to know each other for the purpose of ….the act of being in a relationship or playing the field…You get the idea.
What is particularly heartbreaking about all of this nonsense is the aftermath. As a counselor I have seen numerous teens and young adults wrestling with the consequences of this kind of dating. They are bewildered by their emotional reactions. Dating is, after all, supposed to be casual. One girl, I recall, felt so bad at the end of a dating relationship that her parents sent her to me for counseling. She was depressed and confused about her response and not sure how to handle it. Young girls are taught that something is wrong with them if they experience longings for commitment. After months of being led on by her boyfriend with talk of marriage she began to realize he had no intention of following through. Her biggest need at this time was permission from an adult to break up with this young man since she wasn’t getting it from peers or parents. Once armed with this permission, she ended the relationship, her depression ended, and she became a much happier young lady. Another teen girl I counseled was not so fortunate. She was very pretty, and had no idea how to handle the attention from her fellow male classmates. Her parents gave her no real guidelines for how to conduct herself, and yet she had somehow managed to preserve her virginity. Nonetheless, her low level of emotional maturity often led to putting herself into compromising situations, not to mention the morally chaotic excuses she used to justify her own behavior. She stopped attending our sessions without any real change in her behavior, and I often wonder how she’s doing now. One thing nearly all of these cases had in common is that their fathers are not providing the protection needed.
"Isn’t our daughter cute…isn’t she popular…she’s dating now!" parents proudly proclaim. What the above girls really needed were protective fathers to help ward off unwanted physical advances honeyed with deceptive talk of love and marriage.
But it’s not just young women who are heartbroken. I have heard from young men too who have no idea about how to go about courting a young woman toward marriage. If a teenage boy shows interest in treating girls properly, with respect and gentility he is made fun of mercilessly. One particular young man comes to mind who, when his last relationship ended, was crushed. He had wanted to marry her, but he really had no idea how to do anything but date and so avoided the topic of marriage. The relationship ended with the young man feeling empty, depressed and confused. Our young men do not know how to initiate commitment, or pursue a woman toward marriage. The cultural message is that this is not a quality valued in a man anymore.
Some may object and say that dating does have a purpose, citing the definition I gave earlier (getting to know each other, etc.). But what does this getting to know each other ever lead to? How long does it actually take to "get to know each other," and if you finally do reach the level of "knowing each other," what then? Usually this aimlessness leads to the dating couple becoming lovers, and many times bringing an unwanted child into the world. Or acting as if they didn’t know sex was procreative and killing the poor baby, calling this the merciful thing to do as we have now deemed the greater tragedy a living child who is unwanted. I hear complaints about the shame and annoyance of unwanted pregnancy without any attempt to address the true cause: irresponsible, unchaste behavior and no boundaries to how men and women ought to be relating to each other. Dating provides no structure for male and female relationships, and our endorsement of this kind of coupling is only enabling the very social ills we complain about.
The above examples lead me to my second problem with dating. Where are the parents? With regard to the college campuses, the answer is easy: nowhere to be found. Year after year parents send their youths off to get an education with no authority figures in sight to bring some kind of restraint to their sons and daughters. In an effort made by our parents to destroy convention another convention has arisen to fill the void – dating, instead of courtship. Dating views each possible eligible (and many times ineligible) person as a mate – not for life, but for right now. I’ve heard it said, "I’m looking for Mr. Right," but this is passé. I have actually heard women say, "I’m looking for Mr. Right now." I’m not fooled. I saw these same girls crying and depressed about being dumped after a one-night-stand.
But permissiveness about dating starts long before college, in junior high and high school. I was amazed at the number of freshman girls who were still virgins in college since at my own high school the talk in the girls’ bathroom indicated that the sexual revolution was alive and well. Any girls who claimed chastity were promptly deemed prude as if they were lepers. So…where are the parents? Well, they are allowing their sons and daughters to date at ages 12 and 14. If the parents are really "uncool" they make the teen wait until age 16. But wait for what? What does age have to do with it if the parents will provide no guidance, no purpose, or responsibility? It’s simply not enough to hear it at their church youth groups from a professional counselor. So off these kids go without parental protection to embark on "getting to know each other," "being in a relationship."
But the real problem with all of this purposelessness and lack of parental control is the false perception of human nature that is the driving forces behind it. Human beings need constraints to guide our behavior. As it is now, we call our weaknesses strengths. We praise our lack of self-control and restraint and call ourselves "liberated." We talk about the innate goodness of mankind and then fail to make good on our promises. "I promise I’ll love you if you’ll just sleep with me." We elevate predatory sexual behavior calling it "playing the field" and say we are following our animal instincts. I have yet to see an animal mate out of anything but an instinctual drive to procreate. As it is, we have sunk lower than the animals since we don’t even want to discuss that sex is procreative anymore. This is dating. "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools…."(Romans 1: 21-22)
If I have made any kind of case against our current dating practices, I know that was the easy part. The solution is not necessarily obvious, and our current cultural atmosphere simply does not provide any support for a return to old courtship practices. In the past, these practices were the backbone of any community since it was mostly through courtship that new families were begun to become productive members of a community. This simply is not the norm anymore. But, there have been a few of us, disheartened by current practices that have stopped dating altogether in exchange for abstinence, and courtship, and those that are interested in doing so. Just this past weekend, for the second Sunday in a row, I had a teen girl approach me and express a desire to meet with me and talk about alternatives to dating. Some of my friends have begun to forsake the dating scene for a more respectful and less predatory way of interacting with the opposite sex, and are the happier for it. While the effects of the sexual revolution have been devastating, I am seeing a flicker inside the hearts of many youths that indicate they are beginning to desire something more, something deeper, which is a real cause for hope and rejoicing.
I began this article by saying I recently married after a 4-month courtship. This was both a bewildering and exciting experience for Stephen and me as we grappled with the resurrection of a ritual that has long been dead. Leon and Amy Kass define courtship as "to woo with a view toward marriage." I believe our courtship was a success. We avoided the purposelessness of dating by setting boundaries on our time together and made it known that marriage was the overall goal, whether it would be to each other or someone else. We made sure our actions protected each other from the embarrassment and awkwardness of getting too emotionally involved too fast by each having the accountability of our parents and elders in our life. No talk of marriage was made until an actual proposal was given, and there was no kissing until the ring was on my finger, (how exciting that night was!!). We remained physically chaste until our wedding night. I am so thankful that our courtship was a wonderful and memorable process that I will want to share with our children some day, and without all of the embarrassing mishaps and broken promises that a lack of structure and purpose brings.
While I cannot, at this time, give a concrete and historical dissertation on courtship, I can recommend several books that I have read and two that I am currently reading on the subject. Starting with the ones I have read:
Passion and Purity, Quest for Love – both by author Elisabeth Elliot. The first book deals with her own courtship experience with her late husband Jim Elliot, and the latter focuses more on general courtship practices and answers specific questions for how to proceed in our current atmosphere.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye written by Joshua Harris. This is a great book for young adults interested in learning how to pull back from dating.
I am currently reading: Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar written by Amy Kass and Leon Kass. This book is a historical anthology of writings on courtship. I am so excited to have been directed to it by my husband. I am nearly finished reading A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit, which addresses the effects on our culture of losing the virtue of modesty, a key aspect of historical courtship.
So, go ahead…stop dating!!! Liberate yourself from the baggage that dating relationships always leave you with. Read up on courtship and enjoy the mystery and excitement that modesty and self-restraint bring.
My ex gave me plenty of reason to, but I necer did; and I believe God will bless my next marriage because of it. There are a lot of single middle-age Christian women out there who look forward to having a very uninhibited and sexually passionate marriage when they meet a soul-mate.
May God lead you to that right person this time......HE is faithful, and it is HE who gives us the desire, and means of expression within marriage, and a level of pleasure that people who sleep around (like a few of the guys on this thread), don't ever find.
I recall the Saturday Night Live commentary on this subject, in the immediate wake of the Jimmy Swaggart hotel incident:
"The man was masturbating. Let him who hath a free hand, cast the first stone."
(a) Courtship requires that the couple never be alone together -- this is defined as a "date" and is forbidden. However, this requirement for 100% supervision is nearly impossible to arrange, especially for adults with fulltime jobs, long commutes, etc. It's even harder if their families are non-Christian, broken, far away, or not willing to be involved. Friends and so-called "accountability couples" have busy lives of their own, and can usually chaperone only rarely.
So as a practical matter, it's nearly impossible to build a relationship in the modern world unless a couple is willing to "bend the rules" and do some one-on-one dating. To their credit, most courtship types will acknowledge this when pressed to the wall (or, when they get into a relationship themselves and discover it the hard way.)
(b) Courtship has absolutely no mechanism for finding someone to court. Indeed, courtship isn't even supposed to begin until a man has already found a suitable woman, and is pretty darn near sure that he'll marry her if he wins her over -- only then is he permitted to approach the woman's father or guardian.
But, without how is a man ever supposed to find a woman? Only rarely does this happen through natural social circles (work, church, school, etc.) Courtship advocates actively discourage internet matchmaking, visiting other churches just to meet women, having friends set up blind dates, etc. Worse, they tell young folks, no romance till they're out of school - ignoring the fact that highschool and college are by far the best opportunities to meet someone.
With stances like that, how courters expect anyone to find mates is anybody's guess. All experience hath shewn, that for most people, if they don't get out and do some casual (but chaste) "shopping around"-type dating, marriage will never happen for them.
But courtship advocates, in my experience, are in total denial about this issue. Over and over, I challenged them, "How do I FIND someone to court?" They never had an answer for me, and the more I pressed the issue, the madder they got (a sure sign that people know, deep down, that they are wrong.)
So I stuck with dating, and I finally found someone.
Nonsense. Women behave and communicate totally differently in potentially romantic situation. All my deep, non-romantic Christian frienships with women taught me nothing whatsoever about romance.
You don't know them til you date them.
And, he never got married, either.
"We avoided the purposelessness of dating by setting boundaries on our time together and made it known that marriage was the overall goal, whether it would be to each other or someone else."
By that definition, I've never been on a date in my life. For me, from age 14, dating was ALWAYS about finding a marriage partner. I NEVER dated for "sport" -- with sex excluded from the dating equation, there's not much sport in it!
Still... the courtship rules now being created or resurrected, are too restrictive, and will prevent many people from finding mates. Some middle ground MUST be found to allow clean, chaste dating (ie pre-60's style), because until the whole culture is reformed, people who just "quit dating" may often be left in a lurch with no alternative, stuck in singleness for life. As the author herself admits
"If I have made any kind of case against our current dating practices, I know that was the easy part. The solution is not necessarily obvious, and our current cultural atmosphere simply does not provide any support for a return to old courtship practices.
This was also worth repeating:
If a teenage boy shows interest in treating girls properly, with respect and gentility he is made fun of mercilessly.
If a 37 year old virgin man shows interest in treating Christian women properly.... same result, all too often. The chivalry my parents taught me, as often made me a chump, as a hero. (But, my wife loves it!)
RC: Years ago, I had my father (a Godly man) telling me to date 'every woman I could'>
Me: Isn't a key element of courtshipthink, "Obey Your Parents" in matters of romance? Has your Dad ever rescinded this command?
My parents told me about the same thing, but I didn't listen til my mid-30s. My dating prior to about age 35 was very "courtship-like" -- and futile and rare! Once I began dating around more casually, things got a lot better, and it only took me a little over 3 years to get here --- my wedding is tomorrow.
RC: I now recognise that at the time, I was never in the mindset to date "for fun... I had serious intent in mind.
Me: Me too. It's a good thing... but, the one problem is, the girls sense the seriousness right up front, and RUN!!!!!!! Usually, they wouldn't even talk to me, let alone go out with me. Like you, I was actively avoided [nb -- he had told me this earlier], and was confidentially informed of that fact by several people. Yet courtship PROMOTES this fatal overseriousness! Courters, do you have an answer for this?
Another point: Fun is not the ultimate goal of dating, but, dating should certainly be fun!
RC: The problem, however, in not dating casually, is that when I tried to show active (and appropriate) interest, I got nowhere because I was so far behind the 8-ball socially. Casual dating would have helped that, I am fairly sure (just joking ... or maybe not).
Me: Casual dating can help. Trust me on this one. Better late than never. I started at 35. However.. avoid dating nonbelievers or anyone else that you a priori know that you couldn't marry. Even though you're lightening up about the whole process, you're still mate-seeking. So don't waste money or evenings on those who aren't eligible. BUT, within those parameters, definitely date every woman you can, as your father taught you.
Admittedly, there is a risk of broken hearts in dating around. It certainly happened to me. But I'd rather risk the temporary heartbreak of romantic disappointment, than the PERMANENT heartbreak of staying single for life. Nothing risked, nothing gained.
Guys, take note: Dating LOTS of women, will take the "DESPERATE EDGE" off of you, as it did for me. THIS IS CRUCIAL. Much less is at stake on a date, if you know that you have a date with someone else next week -- and an email box full of possibilities. Older single guys who feel strongly (as I did) that their marriage is long overdue, are particularly vulnerable to being, and looking, desperate -- and women flee the slightest hint of desperation.
Speaking of email, the internet is a great way to meet women. Corresponding long distance (even if you never meet) is also a good way to get to understand women, and, in my case, sometimes I actually did travel considerable distances to meet the women. Great experiences, for the most part. I met my wife on a Christian internet dating site, in fact.
Also, the ability to THINK OVER your response (to an email, for instance) eliminates the "real-time" pressure that socially inept people like me often stumble over in an awkward initial conversation. If you've already gotten to know each other a lot through email FIRST, then, the face-to-face meeting is much less fear and pressure.
Most of the time, it won't go beyond one or 2 dates per woman, but that's okay, it's great learning experience. And likely as not, eventually something will click with somebody. THEN you can get serious, and transition to something "courtship-like" -- AFTER you've found someone worthy and willing to court.
And as I've said all along, FINDING SOMEONE TO COURT is one of the critical weaknesses in courtship -- one which nobody here [Courtship Connection] was ever willing or able to answer. As I said before, What's the use of believing in courtship if you'll never have anyone to court? Which was, in the final analysis, my main reason for sticking with dating, and giving you guys so much grief.
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Well.... That about sums it up.
Well, perhaps you should define 'romance'.....
Maybe you just hang around the wrong people. Your relationships with Christian friends of the opposite sex should teach you about friendship, respect, honesty, conversational skills, and spiritual relationships. Not a bit of nonsense in it, and all important in marriage.
The romance part is easy to figure out........
Okay so far, but..
The romance part is easy to figure out...
No it isn't. Not at all. Romance is utterly different from friendship. All those things you mentioned are necessary, but, romance requires *something else* besides.
I'm assuming you're male. Any woman worth marrying won't be upset if you're not experienced........and I'm talking about the 'romance'......not sex (God made that part for marriage only, and any 'experience' beforehand is harmful to a marriage and needs to be overcome......fortunately for us, neither my husband nor I came to our marriage with that 'experiences' to overcome).
Neither of us dated much........but did enough to know that its artificiality doesn't prepare you one bit for marriage, and we both strongly feel that it was our friendships.....honest, deep friendships with members of the opposite sex that prepared us better for our own courtship and marriage.
We didn't have any trouble with 'romance' because we cared about each other, treated each other with respect, talked about everything under the sun, including our shared values, life goals, and faith in Jesus Christ, and then fell deeply (and quickly) in love, and not incidentally, are still mad about each other 27 years later.
Dating other people beforehand was almost completely irrelevant to our relationship......then, and now. And I think you'll find that to be true of others who have done the same.
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