"We avoided the purposelessness of dating by setting boundaries on our time together and made it known that marriage was the overall goal, whether it would be to each other or someone else."
By that definition, I've never been on a date in my life. For me, from age 14, dating was ALWAYS about finding a marriage partner. I NEVER dated for "sport" -- with sex excluded from the dating equation, there's not much sport in it!
Still... the courtship rules now being created or resurrected, are too restrictive, and will prevent many people from finding mates. Some middle ground MUST be found to allow clean, chaste dating (ie pre-60's style), because until the whole culture is reformed, people who just "quit dating" may often be left in a lurch with no alternative, stuck in singleness for life. As the author herself admits
"If I have made any kind of case against our current dating practices, I know that was the easy part. The solution is not necessarily obvious, and our current cultural atmosphere simply does not provide any support for a return to old courtship practices.
This was also worth repeating:
If a teenage boy shows interest in treating girls properly, with respect and gentility he is made fun of mercilessly.
If a 37 year old virgin man shows interest in treating Christian women properly.... same result, all too often. The chivalry my parents taught me, as often made me a chump, as a hero. (But, my wife loves it!)
RC: Years ago, I had my father (a Godly man) telling me to date 'every woman I could'>
Me: Isn't a key element of courtshipthink, "Obey Your Parents" in matters of romance? Has your Dad ever rescinded this command?
My parents told me about the same thing, but I didn't listen til my mid-30s. My dating prior to about age 35 was very "courtship-like" -- and futile and rare! Once I began dating around more casually, things got a lot better, and it only took me a little over 3 years to get here --- my wedding is tomorrow.
RC: I now recognise that at the time, I was never in the mindset to date "for fun... I had serious intent in mind.
Me: Me too. It's a good thing... but, the one problem is, the girls sense the seriousness right up front, and RUN!!!!!!! Usually, they wouldn't even talk to me, let alone go out with me. Like you, I was actively avoided [nb -- he had told me this earlier], and was confidentially informed of that fact by several people. Yet courtship PROMOTES this fatal overseriousness! Courters, do you have an answer for this?
Another point: Fun is not the ultimate goal of dating, but, dating should certainly be fun!
RC: The problem, however, in not dating casually, is that when I tried to show active (and appropriate) interest, I got nowhere because I was so far behind the 8-ball socially. Casual dating would have helped that, I am fairly sure (just joking ... or maybe not).
Me: Casual dating can help. Trust me on this one. Better late than never. I started at 35. However.. avoid dating nonbelievers or anyone else that you a priori know that you couldn't marry. Even though you're lightening up about the whole process, you're still mate-seeking. So don't waste money or evenings on those who aren't eligible. BUT, within those parameters, definitely date every woman you can, as your father taught you.
Admittedly, there is a risk of broken hearts in dating around. It certainly happened to me. But I'd rather risk the temporary heartbreak of romantic disappointment, than the PERMANENT heartbreak of staying single for life. Nothing risked, nothing gained.
Guys, take note: Dating LOTS of women, will take the "DESPERATE EDGE" off of you, as it did for me. THIS IS CRUCIAL. Much less is at stake on a date, if you know that you have a date with someone else next week -- and an email box full of possibilities. Older single guys who feel strongly (as I did) that their marriage is long overdue, are particularly vulnerable to being, and looking, desperate -- and women flee the slightest hint of desperation.
Speaking of email, the internet is a great way to meet women. Corresponding long distance (even if you never meet) is also a good way to get to understand women, and, in my case, sometimes I actually did travel considerable distances to meet the women. Great experiences, for the most part. I met my wife on a Christian internet dating site, in fact.
Also, the ability to THINK OVER your response (to an email, for instance) eliminates the "real-time" pressure that socially inept people like me often stumble over in an awkward initial conversation. If you've already gotten to know each other a lot through email FIRST, then, the face-to-face meeting is much less fear and pressure.
Most of the time, it won't go beyond one or 2 dates per woman, but that's okay, it's great learning experience. And likely as not, eventually something will click with somebody. THEN you can get serious, and transition to something "courtship-like" -- AFTER you've found someone worthy and willing to court.
And as I've said all along, FINDING SOMEONE TO COURT is one of the critical weaknesses in courtship -- one which nobody here [Courtship Connection] was ever willing or able to answer. As I said before, What's the use of believing in courtship if you'll never have anyone to court? Which was, in the final analysis, my main reason for sticking with dating, and giving you guys so much grief.
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Well.... That about sums it up.