Posted on 02/03/2003 6:13:20 PM PST by softengine
A recent story floating around the variety section of a newspaper I still read occasionally reminded me of a conversation I had with a college girlfriend about six months ago. She's a pretty woman – slender, petite, well-educated and intelligent. She has an excellent, high-paying job and even owns her own house.
She is, in short, the epitome of feminist success. And yet, she is profoundly disappointed with her life. She has, in her own words, continued to stumble upwards while somehow missing out on the only thing she truly wanted – a husband and a family.
Nor is she alone, in anecdotal or statistical terms. Not only do the majority of women who were in our college social circle remain unmarried, but according Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, author of "Why There Are No Good Men Left: The Romantic Plight of the New Single Woman," a 30-something woman is three times more likely to be unmarried than her 1970's counterpart. While some might argue that this is a good thing, most demographics experts would disagree, as would, it appears, an awful lot of those 30-something single women.
While Whitehead correctly identifies the general problem, she is as clueless as the next feminist as to how to go about solving it. Instead of recommending that individuals change the one thing within their power – namely, their behavior – she advocates altering the entire system of courtship. Given this typically fascistic feminist approach, I am, of course, shocked that her six 30-something daughters and nieces all remain available.
But, as I told my friend, the root of the problem is that the kind of man she wants is precisely the man who is smart enough to stay away from her. Smart, educated women aren't willing to date down on the social scale, so the higher they rise, the more they cut down on their available pool of men. Furthermore, the smarter a man is, the more he is likely to realize that being romantically involved with an intelligent, educated, upper-middle-class American woman steeped in 20 years of feminist indoctrination is about as desirable as being flayed alive and rolled in salt.
Consider the premarital professions of the women in my social circle, all of whom are now stay-at-home moms happily married to intelligent, successful men: Farmgirl. Nanny. Teacher. Office manager. Nanny. Pipeline worker. Professional student. Church volunteer. That's eight quality men who won't be marrying a high-powered career girl right there.
The advice I gave my friend was succinct: In any given dating situation, think about what your instincts are telling you – then do the opposite. It's like football … if the run is getting stuffed, then throw the darn ball.
So, in the unlikely event there happens to be a 30-something single woman reading this, here are a few pointers which might be helpful while you wait for Ms. Dafoe Whitehead and company to change the dating culture:
1. Your rights are delineated in the Constitution. Everything else is a privilege.
2. Your family has to put up with you. For everyone else, it's optional.
3. Southern belles always get what they want. Watch and learn, grasshopper.
4. Sex as an incentive is fair enough. Using its deprivation as a punishment will backfire hideously.
5. Mocking your man in public creates a no-win situation. He can either slice and dice you verbally, which is no fun for you, or keep his mouth shut and look like an idiot. In the case of the latter, it doesn't mean that you've won, or that he's forgotten.
6. Men love happy women. Act happy and you may discover how to be happy.
7. If there's a doubt, choose the most optimistic interpretation. That's what he meant.
8. Honey, honey, honey – a thousand times honey. Never vinegar.
9. Conflict is not passion. It isn't any fun, either.
10. Limit yourself to five complaints and demands a day. If you're not counting, you're over the limit.
11. If no one ever taught you the traditional arts, find an older woman to be your mentor.
12. Your feelings and objectively verifiable facts may be different. Learn to distinguish between them.
Now, I'm not saying that applying these principles to your dating scene will turn frogs into princes or anything, but they will get you in the game. And if all else fails, just tell your next first date that you're thinking of quitting your job and returning to your former career as an aerobics instructor. He'll be intrigued, trust me.
Reduced to its lowest common denominator, it's the root of her problem. My life improved dramatically once I realized that a life partner who did not share the same deeply held values and convictions as I did would be nothing more than a millstone around my neck. If you live your life with a purpose, if you live a self-examined life, if you choose to live a non-contradictory life - then nothing less will do. My wife and I differ in many respects, our interests vary; we are each unique individuals. We do not differ at all in terms of our purpose in life. More to the point, my wife is someone with whom I can trust my life. I could toss her a rifle and say, "cover my back," - and she would do so without hesitation. Actually, I wouldn't have to toss her a rifle - she's got one of her own. But you get the idea. We've worked together, we've trained together and we trust one another implicitly - especially when it comes to matters of life and death.
For thos who claim that politcs don't matter between partners, I say bullshit. An individual's political views are a direct product of their values. Hell, a person's entire being - from their smallest gesture to their greatest ambitions - is an expression of their values. One would have to be a willfully ignorant fool or one would have to have made peace with fact that they are living a life of shrieking fraud to believe otherwise. Why on this Earth would somone want to live with one whose values were contradictory?
The kind of outlook my wife and I share is unthinkable to the type of professional woman of whom the article speaks. God forbid that this sort of woman would ever have to deal with anything as serious as life and death. At the rate things are going, though, she will not have a choice.
Ouch!
LOL... yeah, I see a lot of "righteous" people at church... They sit through the sermon, say "amen" at the right time... And then give each other the finger as they all try to leave the parking lot...
My personal observations are that being a good Christian means living it... And that organized religion rarely matters... Ironically enough, my ex-wife (a devout Catholic) told me I'm the "most Christian" man she ever met... Which I found particularly striking, since I'm not a regular at church... :-\
And, FWIW, we split amicably (at least, on as pleasant of terms as possible), and I let her have everything she wanted... Loved her to death, but she was killing me day by day, a little piece at a time... A lack of maturity that was... intolerable.
No more, I say...
Be well...
Yes, why I'll dare anything. Oh. Wait. That wasn't demure of me, was it? ; )
Let me just give the female side of this. It truly does suck to be single. And when you're in that 30-34 age range, it gets even worse. All your friends are married, having kids, and experiencing parts of life that you have no clue about. Sure, they envy you for being single, being independent, being free. But when it all comes down to it, who goes home to an empty bed?
I don't necessarily agree with the author on her choice of an example single woman. I can only tell you what I know. What I was taught, what I believe...
I was raised to believe that I could do anything, that I could be anything I wanted. Keep in mind that these words of freedom were given by a mother who survived two abusive marriages and four children- one of which she never knew because she gave it up for adoption. Because compared to her, those very words themselves inspired achievement and the longing for something better.
So now, I'm 33- almost 34. And for all those uplifting words rooted in feminist beliefs, I have become everything that I wanted. But do I want everything that I've become? For in that quest to be anything, I really lost who I was, and what I really wanted.
Sure, I'd scoff and mock those I knew back in my 20s who were getting married, having kids, living the life of suburbia- because I was free. I could do anything I wanted. I could pick up and go away for the weekend at a moments notice. And those pathetic conformer friends of mine had to sit back and watch the kids.
But now, who's laughing?
It isn't so much that I feel I've missed out on a lot for my own ambition. I already know that to be true. And yeah, I even fell into the popular feminist rant that 'oh guys today are scared off by successful, assertive women'. But probably the most startling casualty of exalted single life is how I define love.
You see, I still get a pang of disbelief when friends tell me the reasons why they got married, or describe the kind of love they have for their husbands. It's as though loving half or three quarters of complete and full love is enough. Heck, it sure is better than nothing.
But is it really? If I had a dime for every time one of my girlfriends said if they had to do it over, they’d do it entirely different, yada yada yada, I wouldn’t need a man because I’d be rich enough to buy one.
I've always felt that love and being in love is giving all of yourself and still retaining a sense of who you are. Love is all-consuming and something done with the entire body, mind, heart and soul- not something done half-ass, part of some desperate attempt to attach to something, anything, as long as it means not being alone, or even doing what is expected of you like the preverbal 'logical next step'. It becomes a struggle between compromising my beliefs on what I think love is and should be, or living alone in a small farm house as an old maid with 24 cats and a purse that smells like Juicy Fruit.
So, gentleman, is it better to love a little, with only a small flame than to not experience the fire at all?
This is my struggle, as a single 30 something gal.
BINGO!!! It's why I cut my ex loose... And my life did improve dramatically...
Be well.
1. Your rights are delineated in the Constitution. Everything else is a privilege.
This is just WRONG, my man! :P
Are you kidding?
You are preaching to the choir!
No feminist here! In fact feminism is a huge factor in divorce.
Women trying to be men and abdicating their nesting
and materal instincts in favor of a "career."
I am lamenting the shortage of strong men who aren't afraid of a strong but feminine woman.
It's far betterto live your life with purpose and determination - and to ask for what you want. And you't get it until you're ready for it. Cryptic, maybe, but it's so true.
Probably not.
Now go take a Midol and watch a rerun of Friends. I wasn't whinning. Just opening a topic of discussion.
Yeah, that's what a lot of men like to think -- that's part of how they keep themselves "contented". And J-Lo, being the shallow tramp that she is, is not a good example. Level-headed professional women who remain single will generally end up a lot happier than self-absorbed, serial-marrying, bed-hopping (between and during marriages) J-Lo.
In reality, there are certainly more miserable married and formerly married 30-something women than miserable single 30-something women. Instead of moping around about being single, single women should be glad they maintained control of their own lives, and are not stuck in the unenviable position of many married or formerly married women. Marriage can be great when undertaken for the right reasons, but it's no guarantee of happiness, and also carries substantial risks of extreme unhappiness.
Yeah and all Italians love pasta and all black people can dance
I am sure there a couple of Christians in church who live what they believe
I feel your pain but don't give up the ship yet my girlfriend just got married at 41.
In the mean time focus on what a wonderful life you do have
living alone in a small farm house as an old maid with 24 cats and a purse that smells like Juicy Fruit.
LOL! you stole my line here except it was dogs and 24 African violets
Speak for yourself. I'm 41, love being single, and look forward to climbing into my very own bed at the end of the day. No one else gets in that bed without an invitation, and those are very difficult to get.
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