Let me just give the female side of this. It truly does suck to be single. And when you're in that 30-34 age range, it gets even worse. All your friends are married, having kids, and experiencing parts of life that you have no clue about. Sure, they envy you for being single, being independent, being free. But when it all comes down to it, who goes home to an empty bed?
I don't necessarily agree with the author on her choice of an example single woman. I can only tell you what I know. What I was taught, what I believe...
I was raised to believe that I could do anything, that I could be anything I wanted. Keep in mind that these words of freedom were given by a mother who survived two abusive marriages and four children- one of which she never knew because she gave it up for adoption. Because compared to her, those very words themselves inspired achievement and the longing for something better.
So now, I'm 33- almost 34. And for all those uplifting words rooted in feminist beliefs, I have become everything that I wanted. But do I want everything that I've become? For in that quest to be anything, I really lost who I was, and what I really wanted.
Sure, I'd scoff and mock those I knew back in my 20s who were getting married, having kids, living the life of suburbia- because I was free. I could do anything I wanted. I could pick up and go away for the weekend at a moments notice. And those pathetic conformer friends of mine had to sit back and watch the kids.
But now, who's laughing?
It isn't so much that I feel I've missed out on a lot for my own ambition. I already know that to be true. And yeah, I even fell into the popular feminist rant that 'oh guys today are scared off by successful, assertive women'. But probably the most startling casualty of exalted single life is how I define love.
You see, I still get a pang of disbelief when friends tell me the reasons why they got married, or describe the kind of love they have for their husbands. It's as though loving half or three quarters of complete and full love is enough. Heck, it sure is better than nothing.
But is it really? If I had a dime for every time one of my girlfriends said if they had to do it over, they’d do it entirely different, yada yada yada, I wouldn’t need a man because I’d be rich enough to buy one.
I've always felt that love and being in love is giving all of yourself and still retaining a sense of who you are. Love is all-consuming and something done with the entire body, mind, heart and soul- not something done half-ass, part of some desperate attempt to attach to something, anything, as long as it means not being alone, or even doing what is expected of you like the preverbal 'logical next step'. It becomes a struggle between compromising my beliefs on what I think love is and should be, or living alone in a small farm house as an old maid with 24 cats and a purse that smells like Juicy Fruit.
So, gentleman, is it better to love a little, with only a small flame than to not experience the fire at all?
This is my struggle, as a single 30 something gal.
It's far betterto live your life with purpose and determination - and to ask for what you want. And you't get it until you're ready for it. Cryptic, maybe, but it's so true.
I feel your pain but don't give up the ship yet my girlfriend just got married at 41.
In the mean time focus on what a wonderful life you do have
living alone in a small farm house as an old maid with 24 cats and a purse that smells like Juicy Fruit.
LOL! you stole my line here except it was dogs and 24 African violets
Speak for yourself. I'm 41, love being single, and look forward to climbing into my very own bed at the end of the day. No one else gets in that bed without an invitation, and those are very difficult to get.
At the risk of flogging your metaphor to death: you have to build a fire. If you want to have right now the sort of explosively incendiary passion you speak of, you can do that, but only at the risk of getting badly burned or waking up tomorrow morning to find that you're lying in a cold heap of burned-out ashes.
A small flame, if well-tended, can become a great fire. And with patience, care, and attention, the blaze will last a lifetime.
LOL! When I was a kid, my mom's purse ALWAYS smelled like Juicy Fruit!
All of you single, conservative women who live in the icy, lonely Midwest need to emigrate to California. Despite the state's reputation, there are a lot of single, conservative men who came here to work, but we are surrounded and outnumbered by legions of snippy little Barbara Boxer-wannabes with bizarre voting habits. Go West, Young Woman! We need you!
Looks like somebody ought to start a Freeper dating service. Potential questions:
Do you not smoke?
Do you hate Clinton?
Do you own a gun?
Do you prefer an SUV?
Do you listen to talk radio while you are freeping?
Does the thought of a democratic-controlled anything make you want to put your fist through a wall?
Yeah, that ought to do it.
This idea that love is a great flaring, all-consuming passion... perhaps it's true for some, but nobody I know. And nobody I've ever heard of. It's quieter than that.
The love of a married couple for one another, when they truly, deeply love each other, is like water to a fish. It's not a thing unto itself like a piece of art, but a flavor that tinges the whole world you live in. It's knowing, without asking, that your spouse is loyal to you... just as it's knowing, without asking, that you'll be loyal to your spouse. It completely changes the world you live in. For those who have experienced it, the biblical expression of the husband and wife becoming "one flesh" becomes much more than a locker-room joke, but a frank expression of how they live their life.
Since you asked, allow me to answer.
Yes. Without a doubt.
To quote Saint Augustine, "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
I've always felt that love and being in love is giving all of yourself and still retaining a sense of who you are. Love is all-consuming and something done with the entire body, mind, heart and soul-
In this you are correct. That is true love. We all long for it. We all seek it. However, not everyone finds or even gets a chance at that kind of love. It doesn't always happen that way. If you find it, grab it and never let go.
Comes a time in most everyone's life when we must force ourselves to choose. It sucks but it is true. Wait for the 100%'er?...or go for the 75%'er and never look back?
That's the important part...never look back. You can live a very full life by giving your all to someone, for it is in giving that we truly receive. I made such a choice. My wife had to figuratively bludgeon me to get me to the altar. We dated for a looong time. At one point I even told her that I simply did not love her enough to marry her. Fortunately for me, she did love me enough and more. It took me a few more years to come to the realization that I had a very good prospect for a happy and productive marriage staring me in the face. I proposed to her 16 years ago and have never regretted it. I look at my wife, who is lovlier now than the day I met her...I look at my two beautiful children and I know that I would not change a single minute of the time that's passed.
Now, I just want to add a personal note here and I hope it doesn't sound too creepy...but...ever since I joined this forum back in 2000, you have been one of the few who stand out. When I first visited your profile page my initial reaction was, "Wow".
Having said that, I have a feeling that you are a person of genuine character with many intriguing things to offer and will not be one of those standing on the sidelines, so to speak, for very long.
If I were single, I'd have asked for your permission to travel to Michigan long ago. However, I chose a different path many, many years ago and I have never looked back. Nor regretted it.
I hope this does not seem too personal or give you discomfort, but you revealed something of yourself in #27 and if you've ever followed any of my postings you'll know me to be someone who speaks his mind. Usually, only when asked.
And besides...I don't think I'm the only guy who finds the scent of Juicy Fruit...strangely alluring.
According to Principal Rooney: it is better to have loved a little than to have never loved at all. (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)
okay, so that isnt exactly what he said, but yeah I see your dilemma - do you 'settle/compromise' or risk becoming the lady that all the kids run past your house b/c you are the 'crazy cat lady'. Hard question to answer, but I believe in love- even a little bit of it.
For the record- I am 31, single, and have two cats...its already started!
(audio-visualize maniacal "crazy cat-man" laugh here:)bwa-ha-haaa!
So, since this thread was posted, has your AOL instant messenger been ringing off the figurative hook from all the great guys who've discovered you?
Or even just the one nice guy who'll take you seriously?