High-Priced Emancipation [Book Review: Why There Are No Good Men Left]

The Wall Street Journal ^ | Friday, January 3, 2002 | MEGHAN COX GURDON

[TroutStalker]

Anyone who has ever struggled to find a house to buy should intuitively understand the difficulties faced by the legions of accomplished, educated, 30ish women currently roaming society in search of a husband. They are the stuff of mass entertainment now, these handsome, quick-witted graduates of higher education. On TV, they're the saucy females of "Sex and the City" and "Will & Grace." They surface in fiction as lovelorn Bridget Jones and the hapless heroines of Pam Houston's best-selling short stories.

[Enterprise]

If someone has already made this point, I apologize for the redundancy. But males who go to college expect to graduate, have a career and a spouse at the same time. The females graduate and expect only the career first, then later to have a spouse. The men, darn them anyway, don't want to wait around for the females to turn 30. They get married, as nature intended, while they are young and strong enough to bear the burdens of work and family. No one told the career minded females that they would likely miss the marriage boat if they put career first and marriage and family second. They are going to have to want both, or settle for the leftovers.

The pattern seems to hold true though, with a family I know. There are four children. The oldest son graduated and got a law degree, he got married, to another professional, and she is expecting. The next child, a daughter, got a degree, and a job, but she has a boyfriend, and at this time, there is no serious talk of marriage. The third child, a male, got a degree, got a job, and is engaged. The fourth child, a male, is still in school. I am betting that soon after he graduates, there will be a woman and an engagement. Kind of illuminating.

[Thud]

There is a difference between starting a career and taking a break from an established one. The women this subject discusses try to do the latter because the former requires both the care of very young children and a major time investment in early career building. I.e., the problem is the time needs of mothering very young children.

Few fathers are willing to invest the time in care of very young children and fewer are any good at it. Mothers are better at it due to biology, which likewise makes it almost impossible for them to not spend the time with their children that the children need.

The professional women at issue are in plain denial of biology. It is very difficult for them to do what they want so they both deny and resent that. But denial and resentment doesn't change the cards nature gave us all.

[Enterprise]

"Few fathers are willing to invest the time in care of very young children and fewer are any good at it. Mothers are better at it due to biology, which likewise makes it almost impossible for them to not spend the time with their children that the children need."

LOL! Describes us exactly!

[onedoug]

Marriage is Holy.

[equus]

I just have a funny feeling Catherine Zeta-Jones wouldn't look at you once much less twice.

Here are two rules

1) Only give your milk if he has money power and good looks

2) Read Maureen Dowd, and watch Catherine Zeta-Jones

[equus]

Touche, that's pretty funny.

[equus]

Thud, I think you make a lot of good points there, though it's not quite that cut and dried.

[E.Allen]

Sam Kinison had a few "issues" with his ex wives.

In another routine, he (an ex evangelist preacher) said, "Some people asked me, 'aren't you afraid of going to hell' " (after a spiel about Jesus on the cross, his disciples mourning his impending death, with Jesus saying he wouldn't have to die if one of them could just find a ladder and pair of pliers).

Sam said, "I'm not afraid of Hell, I've been married twice, I could be a tour guide in hell."

[Jim Noble]

>>I just have a funny feeling Catherine Zeta-Jones wouldn't look at you once much less twice<<

Sigh.

[ValerieUSA]

The problem I see here is that young women are not encouraged to be mothers. If the motherhood notion struck them earlier, they would be eager to find a mate and marry at younger age... before they have been discarded by dozens of unsuitable men. The chances of a successful union are greater when she has some personal dignity left... something an education and career cannot establish nor replace.

[ValerieUSA]

I hate to concede a point to you... but this was true:

However, most women (and men) don’t realize that successful marriages are usually those where the couple grows and achieves together, rather than before marriage. Once a man or woman has achieved a certain level in life, marriage is no longer looked upon from the perspective of what can be gained from it, but of what can be lost from it.

[Southack]

"The problem I see here is that young women are not encouraged to be mothers."

America had an entire generation (the Baby Boomers) that was told that it was awful to grow up (e.g. hope I die b4 I get old). They were told that they were supposed to play, live for the moment instead of the future, and that responsibility was someone else's problem.

And when they really were young, attractive, and popular, such words probably sounded really good to them.

But now the Boomers are old, and the ones in that generation who acted out the advice mentioned above are now used up, bitter, empty, and longing for the stability, tranquility, and success that comes to those who eschew such juvenile advice.

One of my wife's older friends is in that boat. She's done the career thing and the dating thing and the relationship thing and the travel/party thing and the perpetual vacation thing and yet she's miserable, always depressed, and every time we see her she complains that there are no "good men" left for her to marry.

She always tells my wife that I'm such a "great catch" and how did she do it and "Oh, I wish I could find someone like him", yet I DID meet her when I was single and get this, she physically YAWNED at me and got up to leave the very first time that I spoke to her as a single man way back then! After discarding such (in hindsight) "great" choices (presuming that she tossed away much better men than me, for instance), she now wonders why she's still single. Go figure.

And that's another thing: if all of that liberal claptrap about having it all and living for the moment - was so great, why are all these women who did such things wishing for the Conservative married life in the end?!

[Tall_Texan]

I'm wondering how they define "good". I'm curious for selfish reasons, of course, being a 40+ bachelor who has always wanted to be married but never seemed to be deemed "good".

Whatever it is, it's not the same as being "too good" which is the line this 40+ bachelor always got when putting my heart on the line for a girl. I'm also still trying to figure out why they get to cry while *I'm* getting rejected but I'm not supposed to cry myself.

[Jhoffa_]

I think your post #5 is excellent.

[Monitor]

If a man is going to settle down with a woman, he had best get hold of her before she can experience her first...

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt. Two of my last three girlfriends had been raped - the last one was raped twice. Those three girls totally ruined dating for me - lying, cheating, and mind games.

Companionship? I have male friends, and a dog.

Honestly, the only thing I miss is the sex.

I'm to the point now where I don't want to date, because my ability to tolerate B.S. is long since gone.

This last summer, I accidentally ran into my neighbor who'd moved in a year before. I had no interest in meeting her - I went up to the fence to pet her dog. She was out back, and walked down to chat. Had I known she was there, I wouldn't have walked up to the fence.

We ended up going out to see a movie. I mean, what's the harm? Kinda nice having an attractive female friend to go see movies with, right? I actually shook her hand - didn't hug, didn't kiss, didn't sit there having an awkward conversation - just shook her hand, said goodnight, and got out of her truck (she insisted on driving).

Her story - got married, had a kid, got divorced, went back to school, got a degree (art major), bought a house...

Anyway, four movies later, she starts falling asleep after she gets home from work, before we're supposed to go see the movie, on account of her hectic job / school / kid / house single parent lifestyle.

She stood me up twice for the same damn movie. Get this - she was pissed at me for telling her I wasn't going to be stood up by her a third time. That's the last time we spoke.

It was a quickie refresher course in why I'd avoided dating like the plague these past years.

[BuddhaBoy]

I hate to concede a point to you...

I know, it must hurt so bad. I don't post any of this stuff to be mean. I post it, because these are the facts before me every time I encounter women out on the prowl.

[BuddhaBoy]

The problem I see here is that young women are not encouraged to be mothers.

Again, the feminist-liberal culture at work.

There was a time when parentage was honored. Now, I can’t imagine anything more dreary then child rearing. You can’t spank the little brat without someone calling CPS on you; you have to call "time-out"? What kind of shit is that?

Young people are running wild because they don't fear or respect anyone any more. Who would want to be a parent, when you can spend your money on things that don’t talk back or eat your food? I can’t imagine anything worse than being parent to some spoiled brat who can call the ACLU on your ass if you mess with their self esteem. eff that, I’d rather be boiled in oil then to have some child dictating their civil rights to me.

[BuddhaBoy]

You should buy her some roses, with a card saying that she only gets to keep them if she promises to never speak to you again.

A perfect thanks for a perfect reminder of the hell that awaits you if you get caught up with a woman with issues.

[Mamzelle]

re: Was she hot? Probably not. Hot women don't shop at Home Depot without their OWN husband or boyfriend.)))

LOL. Well. You've discovered DH and my favorite night out. After renting the video, head to Lowe's to check out the stuff. Our town just got a MONSTROUS Lowes.

Asked him if he got hit on at Lowe's, as he is a good-looking and well-earning professional. Nope. Maybe I'm dressing him badly? And if he *had* gotten hit on, he'd be happy to let me know, just out of pride.

Maybe it's the vibes a guy puts out that has to do with the quality of gal he appeals to? He's never been properly appreciated by the ladies, and I snapped him up very young. My own theory is that college is the best chance. But now, in school, the gals outnumber the guys.

Out of the mouths of babes department: My oldest college boy son is very good-looking, people say he looks like Tom Cruise. However, Tom Cruise has a weak chin and funny teeth and my son is really much cuter and stronger-looking. He depended on girls always making the first move, which his dinosaur of a mom disliked. Pick your girls, don't let them pick you. They're picking you, anyway, and expect to be pursued. A Nice Girl Worth Having always has to maintain something of the upper hand. Boys Don't Respect a Girl Who Acts Desperate.

Lately he's got a great tootsie who kind of snubbed him at first, and he had to work up the confidence to do the pursuing for once. He and she are really much more pleased with this dynamic. Hey, I didn't write those Rules.

[Woahhs]

My beautiful wife has several freinds that won't look at a guy unless he resembles a >2C flawless diamond. (all insinuations included!)

That's funny. I don't think it ever occurs to these women, like the house buying analogy, they may just not have the resources to obtain the property they want.

A very close friend had a very rocky marriage for several years. The thing that seemed to turn the tide for him was a systematic, detailed, and documented explaination to his Mrs. that she just wasn't worth all the effort she expected him to expend on her.

Once she figured out he wasn't just trying to be hurtful, and she really didn't merit any of the deference she thought was hers by "divine right" she settled down and became much more reasonable in her expectations.