Over-parenting

Scripps Howard News Service ^ | 1/2/03 | BETSY HART

[Valin]

When I was visibly very pregnant with my second child, I appeared on a news program with a woman billed as a "child advocate." During the commercial break we chatted and she asked me about the impending birth.

Knowing a few things about "child advocates" I rather mischievously responded that this was my second baby, so my husband and I were then a third of the way to our goal of six. Just as I suspected, she was shaken and abruptly responded, "Six! How will you ever give so many children individual attention?" I responded, "I don't know - I guess they'll just give one another attention." My "child advocate" friend was singularly unimpressed with that answer.

[chance33_98]

Well, I am honestly not sure how to word a response really. I guess I am just disturbed over the wave of advice from so many people about kids and raising them. Nobody seems to agree on things. Someone is always trying to guilt someone or trying to prove something to help their cause somehow.

I will keep doing what I am doing. Go home, play with dolls with my daughter, read to her, and keep trying to spoil her :)

[NativeNewYorker]

These moms and dads "decorate their children's rooms in stimulating colors, buy educational toys, forgo playpens and give baby massages. They space their children according to the best advice of child- development experts. ... They sacrifice personal time, friendships and their own interests - sometimes even their sex lives. They let their kids interrupt them and drop everything to take advantage of every teaching moment. And perhaps most important, they take every opportunity to build up their children's self-esteem."

I am frightened to say this is how we are raising our children, but they don't seem (at 8 and 4) to be hurting too badly.

Mr. Eight can amuse himself for hours on end reading or building legos, and Ms. Four is already selecting her wardrobe with no input from us superfluous adults.

To ward off the perpetually full nest possibility, Mr. Eight has already been told he is LEAVING TOWN for college. He uses Harry Potter's Hogwarts as a mental model for his future away from us, and he seems quite content.

[Domestic Church]

"women who are expecting a second baby often hear about it from friends, but they won't know just how difficult the parental juggling act will be until that second child arrives."

Two is a cake walk! Around here they say if you can handle three then you can do ten.

[NativeNewYorker]

These moms and dads "decorate their children's rooms in stimulating colors, buy educational toys, forgo playpens and give baby massages. They space their children according to the best advice of child- development experts. ... They sacrifice personal time, friendships and their own interests - sometimes even their sex lives. They let their kids interrupt them and drop everything to take advantage of every teaching moment. And perhaps most important, they take every opportunity to build up their children's self-esteem."

I am frightened to say this is how we are raising our children, but they don't seem (at 8 and 4) to be hurting too badly.

Mr. Eight can amuse himself for hours on end reading or building legos, and Ms. Four is already selecting her wardrobe with no input from us superfluous adults.

To ward off the perpetually full nest possibility, Mr. Eight has already been told he is LEAVING TOWN for college. He uses Harry Potter's Hogwarts as a mental model for his future away from us, and he seems quite content.

[NativeNewYorker]

These moms and dads "decorate their children's rooms in stimulating colors, buy educational toys, forgo playpens and give baby massages. They space their children according to the best advice of child- development experts. ... They sacrifice personal time, friendships and their own interests - sometimes even their sex lives. They let their kids interrupt them and drop everything to take advantage of every teaching moment. And perhaps most important, they take every opportunity to build up their children's self-esteem."

I am frightened to say this is how we are raising our children, but they don't seem (at 8 and 4) to be hurting too badly.

Mr. Eight can amuse himself for hours on end reading or building legos, and Ms. Four is already selecting her wardrobe with no input from us superfluous adults.

To ward off the perpetually full nest possibility, Mr. Eight has already been told he is LEAVING TOWN for college. He uses Harry Potter's Hogwarts as a mental model for his future away from us, and he seems quite content.

[NativeNewYorker]

These moms and dads "decorate their children's rooms in stimulating colors, buy educational toys, forgo playpens and give baby massages. They space their children according to the best advice of child- development experts. ... They sacrifice personal time, friendships and their own interests - sometimes even their sex lives. They let their kids interrupt them and drop everything to take advantage of every teaching moment. And perhaps most important, they take every opportunity to build up their children's self-esteem."

I am frightened to say this is how we are raising our children, but they don't seem (at 8 and 4) to be hurting too badly.

Mr. Eight can amuse himself for hours on end reading or building legos, and Ms. Four is already selecting her wardrobe with no input from us superfluous adults.

To ward off the perpetually full nest possibility, Mr. Eight has already been told he is LEAVING TOWN for college. He uses Harry Potter's Hogwarts as a mental model for his future away from us, and he seems quite content.

[NativeNewYorker]

Browser FUBAR causing multiple posts. Sorry.

[AppyPappy]

We believe you!!!!

[Carolinamom]

Mother of 5 here giving a high-5 to the author!

[Valin]

I DON'T!!! I suspect a plot of some sort.

[NativeNewYorker]

The plot is Opera 6.05.

[WIladyconservative]

I had a very interesting conversation about this topic at a Christmas party recently. Here's my take on it. When I was a kid (30 some years ago), parents went out to socialize with their friends and left us at the grandparents or with a sitter. If we were included in a social event, it was either because it was family, or it was a (rare) party with other people's children invited, too.

Today's parents (a lot of the ones I have observed through my son's school) plan their social lives around their CHILDREN'S activities. The children have several sports events (or similar activities) on weeknights and the parents are so busy ferrying them about that they have no time for themselves as a couple. They will sit and chat with other parents in the same situation (ie ferrying their kids around to a whirlwind of activities that are just meant to fill the space between school and bedtime), instead of making time to really make and maintain adult friendships and enjoy a social setting free of the kiddies. They are friends with their child's friend's parents only because they show up at the same time in the same places.

It has completely flip-flopped from when I was a kid, and I think giving the children all that power is dangerous and unhealthy. Basically the social life of ones choosing has been abdicated to ones children. That's just icky, IMHO.

[GrandMoM]

bttt

[Joe Driscoll]

They sacrifice personal time, friendships and their own interests - sometimes even their sex lives.

I'm willing to sacrifice the former and my wife is willing to sacrifice the latter so I guess we must be bad parents too. We both try to use the parental quotes we grew up with. We use the "grown-up zone" a few minutes after I get home from work but we have never used the"'Don't bother me unless you're bleeding'. My personal favorites are "If I have to stop this car..." and "I don't care which one started it, if I punish the both of you I am sure to get the guilty party".

Two years ago when my daughter was five, my wife said "When you move out to go to college..." and my daughter burst into tears. After we consoled her we had a good laugh about it.

[fml]

Families that revolve around the kids, as they do today, make for IMHO very dull adults. Children do well to know they are the center of our lives but not the center of attention.

[Desdemona]

ping

[winodog]

What I have noticed is single moms who have one child, usually a boy and its like they are married to one another.
Mom does everything for him and he is spoiled rotten.
My son wants to sit in whenever I have a friend or friends over and be a part of the conversation. Sometimes I let him but most of the time I tell him to go play.
I had one gal change her entire demeanor to me after witnessing this. Finally she could not take it any longer and asked me why I sent my son out to play. She thought I was rude.
I just told her that he did not need to sit around with grownups. Outside is the best place for a 8 year old boy.
But I can see why parents do dote on their children, especially single moms.

[SouthernFreebird]

It turns out that it may be those children who get intense parenting that are going to have more problems after all.

As a busy mother of 3, my children are in no danger of intense parenting :-)

[netmilsmom]

I am so pleased to see this article. My husband and I have this ongoing tiff about this. I firmly believe that if one amuses a child 24 hours a day, how will they handle being in a classroom with 20 other children? My husband hates the TV on (I believe that if the tv is on, it is not forbidden fruit and they will not be enthralled as he is), he will not let the girls play without putting in on it ("Then a rabbit flew in..." as they are playing Barbie dolls) and believes that they should be amused at all time. His down time is when he throws them on the computer next to him. (I see no difference between Barbie hair styler and watching Blue's Clues). His sister-in-law "uber-parented" his nephew to the point that when she read the paper, it was aloud so the little darling would not be left out. Oh Geez. Now, since her second one has come along, he is secondary to the older one and the older child is dead jealous of this easy going child.
There seems to be two kinds of parents anymore. Those who ignore and never even read a book to their children and those who do too much for the kids. The ones who feel that any word out of those darling mouths, is worth stopping the world for. One must find a happy medium.
Something has to be said about not having children in the neighborhood and not being able to let them run the way we used to when we were children, but my girls can amuse themselves in any situation. I love it! And they love each other which is more important.