Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[Willie Green]

I just noticed "Newport" as well.
If it was triplets, the other two brothers could be named "Salem" and "Kools".

[McDuckles]

I teach in LA. I think this list overlooked the use of car names in the African American community. I've had several Porshe's over the years. And now Camry is a popular name. What's next --- RAV4?

[mountaineer]

Our local paper sells Valentine's Day greetings where grandparents and parents run a photo of their little darlings. In the past few years, just about every little girls' name has been some variation on Brianne, Caitlin, Michaela or McKenna (why is that such a popular name?), and the boys include Brandon, Dakota, Colton and the like. It's a rarity to find a David or an Anne.

[smoking camels]

My wife likes Haddessah. I don't. LOL

[Spyder]

We may know some of the same people. We lived in Stanardsville 6 years and I worked at UVa for awhile, then in Culpeper. The contrast between the preppy UVa and the rural countryside surrounding it was fascinating.

[Gracey]

In Texas, a famous name is Ima Hogg. Her brother is Yura Hogg.

[Willie Green]

It's from The Onion, it's unimpeachable.

Aaarrrggghhh!!!

Note to self: Do not FReep before finishing morning coffee.

[Dog Gone]

Nothing like being named after a Gilligan's Island character!

LOL

[Stultis]

names of some of my past and present black female students: kesha, keisha, lakeisha, lakesha, takeisha, takesha, mokesha, tanya, tania, latanya, lawonda, estheregg.

List had a nice rhythm to it until "estheregg". Are you sure her mother is black?</UNPC>

[Spyder]

It is correct with respect to white and black names of today's students.

I can pretty much vouch for the Asian names, too. As a haole in Hawaii I'm a minority amongst Asians. Our kids' classmates (Filipino, Japanese, Chinese) mostly have very standard names - Daniel, Chad, Vince, David, Josh, Chris.

[Skooz]

I worked as a SSI (Supplemental Security Income) claims rep at Social Security for 11 years. You would not believe some of the names on the folders. I remember Delmarshreka and also numerous hyphens and apostrophies, as well.

"What is his name?"
"Detrandaydontavious"
"How do you spell that?"
"D apostrophy etranda apostrophy ....."

[ReveBM]

I have been fighting a running battle with my wife over baby names. She is a huge fan of the Young and the Restless and the Bold and the Beautiful, and she always leans towards trendy names in that arena.

I would very much like to name a boy (assuming we are blessed with another one) Edward, after my first ancestor who landed in this country in 1635. She seems dead-set against it so I will probably not get my wish. Our 2-year old son is named Andrew, which is a good name in my book. We had quite a struggle to agree on that one.

I absolutely refuse to name any of my children with a name with explicitly Irish roots, because neither of us has any Irish parentage. Because we're both Christian, we may end up falling back on biblical names, like one of the apostles for boys or a girls' name from somewhere else in the bible (like Rachel).

[Kevin Curry]

The White and Black lists are notable for the complete lack of Biblical names . . .

The real list (at least the ones I've seen over the years) includes old stand-bys including Michael, David, and Christopher, Rachel, Elizabeth, and Sarah.

No one has yet commented on Jewish American baby-naming conventions. So I'll do it. A lot of Jewish parents are very careful to give their children--the male children anyway--traditional Hebraic names, many of them found in the Old Testament. The German-Ashkenazic surnames ending in "stern" ("star"), "stein" ("stone"), "baum" ("tree") etc. are fairly reliable indicators that the bearer has a Jewish ancestry, but find them coupled with first names of David, Nathan, or Benjamin and all doubt is removed. This baby-naming convention persists to this day among new Jewsish parents.

Then there is the rural, cowboy/country & western subset of Americana. Just as country & western music is noted for its deliberate puns and clever word imagery and associations (e.g., "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone"), these parents sometimes name their children in a similar fashion. For example there is the Rhoades family and their three sons Rocky, Clay, and Dusty.

[EllaMinnow]

We've had an explosion of Madisons, Paytons, Hunters, and Parkers, and now Avery is becoming popular for boys and girls.

In my 12 year old's class, all the girls have either sweet old-fashioned names, or horrendously trendy ones. What I've noticed with boys is how many have "formal" names - like William, Daniel, or Michael. I think it's because their grandfathers are Bill, Dan, or Mike, and their fathers are Billy, Danny, or Mikie. There are no nicknames left.

[Amelia]

My 4 yr. old son is named Jayberry. I liked it because it was unique but not outlandish.

Ya think? It would be outlandish where I live, except perhaps as a nickname.

Did you give him a "normal" first or middle name?

[Moonmad27]

The Onion has it oh-so-right about the white, black and asian babies. I was and still am fascinated by the names chosen for babies. I worked in a Texas county OB hospital where the majority of patients were minority, and currently work with birth certificates. I always remember the day a black mom in Texas wanted to name her kid Strawberry Shortcake, and it took a lot to talk her out of it.

[TontoKowalski]

When we were thinking of names for our son, we wanted something a little different, but not wildly different. We also wanted a Biblical name, and we wanted one that would carry a little substance...you know what I mean...a name you could imagine as belonging to a Supreme Court Judge.

Try as hard as I can, and I still can't hear, "Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Cherokee Jones."

We settled on "Matthew" which was a name I rarely heard. A lot of folks must have been thinking the same thing as we were at the time, because it seems that the name is quite common now.

For those tracking demographics, our Matthew is mostly western/northern European, with a quarter Japanese, and a smattering of Choctaw Indian. Seven years old. Homeschooled. Smart as a whip.

[debg]

stultis: yes! (someone didn't practice the rhythm method?)

[mlmr]

I have a Sue, and guess what, she's black and five years old.

[Amelia]

My white trash welfare queen cousin named her firstborn "Montanna." Ugh.

My personal pick for trashiest girl's name would be "Brandi" and variations.

Yeah, I know it's a popular name, and I've known some nice people who used it to name their daughters. I still think it's trashy.