Satire: Most Popular U.S. Baby Names [for Black, White and Asian students in U.S.]

The Onion ^ | December 25, 2002 issue | The Onion Staff

[lonestar]

It's an old Kawanzza custom that the mother-to-be spends her 9-month pregnancy thinking of ways to incorporate more vowels into a name.

The child goes through life never learning to spell his/her own name while others grapple with trying to pronounce it, therefore, is given a nick-name. "Johnny."

[boris]

"Well, I can tell you Blacks make no effort whatsoever to choose names that sound remotely American."

When my father was a medical student, one requirement for graduation is that each student must perform 5 "live births". No matter what their future specialty.

This was Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. 99% of the "live births" were housecalls to ghetto neighborhoods. The school would get a call and dispatch two medical students. Often the proud mothers had not given an iota of thought to the name of the baby, yet a name had to be placed on the birth certificate.

In one such instance (circa 1938, please understand), they decided to name the boy after the dean of the medical college. So there was this little black boy named 'Andrew Dickson White Jackson' or some such.

Word got back to the dean who was--to say the least--not pleased.

He called my father and his partner on the carpet.

"Gentlemen, I believe that in this life, everyone is entitled to one mistake, and you have had yours. If I ever hear your names or see your faces back in this office, you will be expelled."

They kept their noses squeaky clean after that one.

--Boris

[Eccl 10:2]

"Asians enroll their kids using anglo names as a courtesy to white parents, so they won't feel so bad when they see the Honor Roll."

Ain't THAT the truth !! Nice one.

My son recently made a national HS academic team. He was one of two Anglos, the rest were Asians. All boys.

[AppyPappy]

Well, I can tell you Blacks make no effort whatsoever to choose names that sound remotely American

Yeah, where did the Keyes come up with a weird name like "Alan"?

[summer]

LOL...I'm talking about today's kids. "Alan" is a great name, but I would be very surprised if Mr. Keyes could find even one black male named "Alan" in any public elementary school in this country.

[Kewlhand`tek]

yeah ive heard some unusual african american names probably urban legend but there is a nba player name NOS Moking no smoking lol. one lady was asked why she named here daughter FUH Mall lay. she said she didnt it was on her daughters wrist when she was born FEMALE! or how about Fuh Mall Lay Pah Ju Ma female pajama......or 2 twins named O rangello and Lemongello..orange jello lemon jello

[summer]

LOL....

[SkyPilot]

I know this is from the Onion, but here is a true story:

My aunt is a Registered Nurse, and once whe was tending to a young mother who had given birth a few hours before. My aunt was cleaning the babies first stool, and gave instructions to the other nurse besides her. The mother overheard her, and asked to repeat what she called the substance:

NURSE: It is called "muconium" ma'am.

MOTHER: "Muconium? I like that! Dat is my babies new name! MUCONIUM!

And that is what went on the birth certificate--no lie.

[summer]

In all seriousness, you should spend some time volunteering in a public school, and you will find out that names today of students are VERY different. This little Onion graph, meant to be comical, is right on the money.

[ContentiousObjector]

the funny thing is they don't sound African either,

[alisasny]

Two Asian American friends of my son are named Humdip and Hardip....Hummy and Ricky for short.....

[Kewlhand`tek]

its meconium lol

[Stultis]

That's true - they actually want to assimilate into American culture. Their parents give them American names.

And whites all wanna be yuppies. There are trailer parks full of "Brandons" and "Camerons". What the black mother thing (I get the feeling this is not comming from the guys) is with syllable salad I don't get.

[AppyPappy]

My daughter goes to school with a black kid named David. One of the kids in my Sunday School class is black and named Nigel. Boy, those funny Negroes and their names. HoHoHo!!

[summer]

And that is what went on the birth certificate--no lie.

Sky Pilot, That is a very funny story - and yet, I bet there are more black kids named "Muconiums" in this country than there are black kids named "Alan."

[summer]

You are right about that - "Brandon" is all over the place, as is "Cameron".

[summer]

That is interesting - however, as ateacher, I know hundreds more kids than those two you know, and I can tell you the Onion is right on the money. There are some very odd names of kids today.

[AppyPappy]

They are urban legends.

[DainBramage]

They left of Fooool.

[boris]

BTW, I saw an article that said the most popular names for dogs were:

Male: Rex
Female: Lady