NILES, MICHIGAN- These final days before the election have been especially rough in the 6th district. A flurry of negative ads have flooded the airwaves, pumping vitriol into every available station break. The race between incumbent Mike Hardwick and newcomer Keith Jameson has been particularly malicious. "Keith Jameson has been airing vicious attack ads recently, calling into question Mike Hardwick's record in Congress," says a recent ad. "What the people of Southern Michigan don't know is that Keith Jameson eats babies."
All the backbiting has left voters quite confused since the debates between the two men showed virtually no ideological differences between them. At various times, each candidate has pledged to cut taxes, increase benefits for seniors, cut military spending while strengthening the nation's defense, and wear tiny flag pins on their lapels.
Last Friday, local stations began airing the following spot:
[Fade up on small inset of recent Jameson television spot featuring words like "Tax cheat" "Philanderer" and "Incompetent"]Let Keith Jameson run all the negative ads he wants. Mike Hardwick and the people of Michigan are interested in the facts.
FACT: Keith Jameson refused to sign anti-baby-eating legislation.
FACT: Keith Jameson has been known to sing the Chili's baby back ribs jingle.
FACT: Keith Jameson refuses to deny or even acknowledge charges that he has pushed elderly women down flights of stairs in his hunger for infant flesh.
[Cut to footage of Hardwick shaking hands with old people and signing documents] On the other hand, Mike Hardwick has signed a "no baby eating" pledge.
Keith Jameson: bad for families, eats babies.
Mike Hardwick: good for Michigan, doesn't eat babies.
Call Keith Jameson at 555-2112 and ask him why he won't sign the pledge.
Paid for by Friends of Mike Hardwick, Mike Hardwick treasurer.
To no one's surprise, the Jameson camp was less than amused, calling the ad "a desperate attempt to strengthen Hardwick's forty point lead in the polls."
While the charges in the TV spot could very easily result in a libel suit, by the time it came to trial the campaign will be over and the makeshift financial entities behind them will have dissolved.
Over the weekend, Jameson ran their response ad:
[A grainy color photo of Hardwick grows on screen, becoming distorted, covered up by a newspaper headline]The Niles Daily Star says Hardwick's attack ads are wrong and shameful.
[Dissolve to slow-mo shots of Jameson talking to police officers and playing with children] Meanwhile, Keith Jameson continues to run a clean, positive campaign.
But ask yourself this: have you ever seen Mike Hardwick's reflection in a mirror? Ever wonder why he never appears in direct sunlight or smiles too widely?
For years Hardwick has seemed like a vampire based on his draconian congressional record, but an examination of his dental record reveals much more. [Cut to x-ray of Hardwick's mouth, white circles emphasize enlarged incisors] What other use could there be for fangs such as these? [Shrink the image to inset a comparison image of Jameson comparatively normal teeth]
Michigan Seniors could find more than their Social Security benefits sucked away if Hardwick were to return to Congress.
Experts agree. [The screen is covered up by a book quotation in antique print] According to The Hungarian Book of The Dead, Hardwick should be struck through the heart with a wooden stake, dismembered and buried in garlic.
Keith Jameson: trusted leader in our community.
Mike Hardwick: undead predator.
This Tuesday, vote for the right candidate, the one with a pulse.
Paid for by the Committee to Elect Keith Jameson, Alice Jameson treasurer.
After the most recent round of spots began airing, Hardwick's campaign manager Jim Stalton issued a bitter press release charging the opposition with trickery of the dirtiest sort, made all the worse by the fact that Hendrick's camp ran out of money over the weekend.
"These vicious ads are just a desperate attempt to distract voters from the real issues at play in this campaign, issues like baby eating," said Stalton.
While both campaign managers denied that their own ads were negative, they both agreed that such campaign tactics energized the party base, assisting in the democratic process.
According to recent polling data, voter turnout in the district should be as high as 8% so long as it doesn't rain.
