The Worst American Cars - POLL

Forbes ^ | 10.21.02 | Michael Frank

[wallcrawlr]

In the Vehicles section we have had the privilege to glory in many amazing new and vintage automobiles.

But what about the duds?

What about the cars that never should have been made? The ones that, no matter how prescient their creators thought they were when they conceived these cars, were clearly either aesthetically ghastly, deeply mechanically flawed, or both?

That list could be quite long. Don't forget, there were thousands of car companies in the first half of the last century, many of which died because they cranked out substandard machines; the rest croaked either from the dire economic times in the Depression or shortly after the war, when the likes of General Motors made it impossible to compete.

But we prefer to focus on the duds we know and love to hate. That'd be the classic bombs of the post-war years, cars that had no business rolling down the highway--ever--and yet some of which became big sellers despite having hideous designs, awful engineering, wretched build quality, and sometimes all three.

By the way, we are aware that some of the cars on this list weren't the last of their kind, but they are here to remind us of just how bad it got, how wrong car design and production could be.

And we also know that this list is far from complete. So you should vote in the adjacent pole to add your two cents to our dud car list.

Finally, we are well aware that some readers will be terribly put off because they drove their high school sweetheart to prom in one of these dread creations (or they've got the same car up on blocks in the garage right now, just waiting for another paycheck to afford more fiberglass bodywork and another set of chrome wheels). But where's the fun if we don't offend? Remember, one man's trash is another man's treasure (hence the wonder of capitalism).

The Edsel was the ultimate DOA car, but contrary to common opinion, this was more a function of market segmenting and changing tastes than of purely bad styling. And of course it doesn't help that it was ugly. The vertical front grille of the Edsel looked like a big nose that divided the otherwise relatively conventional front of the car, and the front and back styling made even the 350hp V-8 version look slow. By the time Ford decided to restyle the Edsel in 1959, the car's sales had slid off a cliff and that was the end of Edsel.

There were a whopping 52 service bulletins (many requiring recalls) for this bastard-child car born of an unfortunate need by Maserati for ready cash and Chrysler's willingness to turn a LeBaron into a Maserati. Not only was a 3.0-liter V-6 a criminal concept for a supposed Italian exotic (putting out a pathetic 141 horsepower), but so was the American sheetmetal. Then there were the many mechanical nightmares from blown clutches and engines to leaking roofs. This car cost double the sticker on the LeBaron and broke twice as often. After all, it was Italian, right?

Sure, the nifty-looking Corvair had some good points. Like a Porsche 911, its engine was air-cooled, and resided in the back, to provide extra rear-wheel traction. Too bad its flat-six engine biased the weight of the early cars so far aftward that the steering became very light at highway speeds; and it sure didn't help that the gas tank was mounted up front, so if you did wreck--Ka Boom! If only the design had been better executed. Bummer. (Watch out, here come the nasty letters from all those Corvair fans!)

There were four-door Mavericks and two-doors. There was a Mercury version called the Comet. There were vinyl-topped models, too. What they had in common was that they were built on platform designs heavily prone to rust (this was the early days of unit-body cars) and weak-kneed in-line six engines. But the cars were cheap and therefore, popular, especially in the gas-crisis years. Not that we think the Maverick is necessarily as bad as what came afterward--the abysmal Fox-platform Futura/Fairmont, and the Grenada, which was still based on the Maverick platform, and so carried forward all the bad-handling traits and massive rustability to boot.

With a 2.8-liter V-6 and front-wheel drive, this was GM's attempt to take on the likes of Honda and Toyota. GM also shared this so-called X-body setup (of the Citation) with Olds (Omega) Buick (Skylark) and Pontiac (Phoenix). The differences were basically in body style, not fundamental mechanics. Naturally, because the cars looked futuristic and because they got decent mileage, the Citation and its brethren were a huge hit (800,000 Citations sold in 1980). But to meet demand GM let quality slip, so problems like faulty brakes and steering plagued Citations and led to a steep drop in quality--and sales.

In a desperate attempt to reach a younger demographic, Cadillac revamped its classic Eldorado to look less like a classic Caddy road yacht and more like a two-door version of the ill-conceived four-door Cadillac Cimarron. Demand for the new Caddy fell (big surprise), and only a year after introduction production sank to just under 18,000 units. Did it matter that you could get a V-8 in the Caddy and not in the other GM look-alikes? Nope. It took another 16 years of awful versions (2002 will be the last year of the Eldo) but the decline all started back in 1986.

In the early 1980s American Motors Corporation (before it was absorbed by Chrysler) and French-maker Renault teamed up to make some really awful cars but none as bad as the Fuego. Thankfully, the relationship died out--and today AMC no longer exists and Renault hasn't set foot on American shores since. The Fuego's screamed "car of the future" but it was more like a bad omen. It came in a sporty turbo edition and even handled decently. But its odd appearance and legendarily short-prone electrical system (and no-go engine) soon had customers saying "au revoir."

Hands down probably one of the ugliest, if not the ugliest, car car ever made. When the car went into production it was discovered that the rotary motor had serious quality issues, so at the last second AMC had to switch to an in-line six, which also required widening the car and scrapping the front-wheel drive setup. The width helped: Handling was fairly impressive and huge doors made the car practical. The car sold well, but after the first year it became apparent that the car was too heavy, too goofy, and far too unreliable. Did we mention its looks?

Were the designers at AMC blind? How could they consistently turn out so many hideous cars? While the Gremlin enjoyed the distinction of being the first U.S.-made subcompact, its V-8, which was introduced right when the oil-crunch hit, hurt it. People wanted little four-cylinder models, not cars that were funny looking, small and oddly powerful. It also didn't help that initially it came only as a coupe. Later, AMC would later add a four-door but the problem was really with the looks. It didn't matter that the Gremlin was more reliable and sportier (in many guises) than the equally lame Ford Pinto--it was just uglier.

We're not knocking all GTOs by any means. The GTOs from the 1960s were great but by the time pollution and fuel-consumption standards had been put in effect in the early 1970s GM didn't have an answer. Its huge but inefficient V-8s were no match for all the smog-limiting hosiery that had to be attached; power and performance both dropped, but mileage didn't go up. Then in 1972 the GTO became an option--not even a model--of the Pontiac LeMans. By 1974 it was just a badge-job Chevy Nova, a disguise nobody bought (literally or figuratively) and the GTO finally bit the dust that year.

The best thing you could say about this car is that at least they got the scale right. It was meant as an answer to Honda and Toyota's fuel-sippers, and it was a small four-seater. But besides getting good mpg the Chevette was a really badly made, poorly assembled car. Rust, major mechanical failures, leaks--it had it all. It was also no fun to drive (unlike those Japanese cars like the early Accords) and gutless. Some people thought Chevettes were cute, though. Who could resist one with glued-on faux wood panels like this one?

If only. If only the Eagle Wagon weren't such a dog. If only Chrysler had changed the body styling in the late 1980s and made it a Jeep, not an Eagle. See, the Eagle was the original Outback off-road wagon, but came out a decade and a half before Subaru thought of the notion. Sadly, the Eagle had an old, inefficient six-cylinder motor (only capable of 110hp), a body borrowed from old AMC Hornets, and a clunky, three-speed automatic licensed from Chrysler. Talk about missed opportunities.

The Chevrolet Caprice got a new, fuel-efficient 250-cubic-inch engine and earned an EPA rating of 22 mpg on the highway. That was pretty impressive, but the beasts wallowed in corners and required great attention to go straight at speed. Later Caprices got V-8 engines and were restyled to become Caprice Classics in the later '80s. But even these faster cars understeered in the extreme and sent every road dent and pothole reverberating from the suspension straight to your clenched-in-anticipation jaw. The fact that they were also one of the most boring-looking cars ever designed didn't help either.

[Fresh Wind]

Had an 82 Citation sedan...

I've always wondered about the wisdom of naming a car after something a cop gives you after he catches you speeding!!

[TC Rider]

Some European cars were so good I still wish they made them today. The BMW 2002 comes to mind. With a few minor improvements they could make this today and it would still be one of the best cars on the road.

sigh, why couldn't they have brought this one back instead of the Mini. (the Mini's cool too, just not this cool)

I'd like my 2002 in a tii please.

[Fresh Wind]

I'd like my 2002 in a tii please.

Sigh. One of my big mistakes in life was not going the extra bucks for the tii in '73. Opted for the carbureted version instead. Still a great car though.

[perfect stranger]

Who is "we" Kimosabe?

Anybody that laughed at these machines were apt to pipe down once they had a ride in one. 426hemi dual-quad bump.

[Freedom4US]

I got one citation in the citation, for speeding. I allowed to the State Trooper that "I was just going with the flow of traffic."

He was not amenable to this line of reasoning, at all. This was back in the dark days of the Federally- Mandated-You-Will-Not-Go-Faster-Than-55MPH-On-Highways Designed-For-75-Lest-We-Withold-Your-Tax-Contributions. Thankfully, at least the 55MPH speed limit nonsense has since been rescinded.

[Francohio]

Look at the bright side, Comrade!

The Yugo is the only car made which an Albanian will not steal.

[DaGman]

My wife bought a 1983 Chevy Caprice in 1996 for $3000. It was in mint condition. A "little old lady" literally drove it every now and then, probably no more than to church and back. Everything worked and it ran like the 350 engine it had was intended to run. We sold it 18 months later with 30K more miles on it for $2000. The guy that bought still has it and its still in great shape. That was a great car.

And hey! I liked the AMC Gremlin. My ex-wife had one when we started dating and it was a really good car. No problems with it.

[Diddle E. Squat]

No way is the Pacer the worst! I was always pestering my parents to buy one when I was a kid, that fishbowl window was the coolest. Alas they never did(and they never let me ride on the back shelf of sedans either, beneath the windows. Meanies!)

Yeah Baby, look at that pregant rollerskate, and it made a great terrarium. (Some would call it a Pinto that held its breath too long.) Though this might be a bit much:

Waynes World knew what a perfect 70's icon that beauty was. Truly a Pacer belongs in the auto hall of fame. How about a baby blue one with racing flames and a licorice dispenser?

Is this the real life-
Is this just fantasy-
Caught in a landslide-
No escape from reality-
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see-
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy-
Because I'm easy come, easy go,
A little high, little low,
Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me,
-to me-,

Mama, just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead,
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away-

Mama, ooh ooh ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry-
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow-
Carry on, carry on,
as if nothing really matters-

Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
Body's aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go-
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-

Mama, ooh ooh ooh-
I don't want to die,
Sometimes wish I'd never been born at all-
Carry on, carry on,
as if nothing really matters-

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the Fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightening-very, very frightening me-
Gallileo, Gallileo,
Gallileo, Gallileo
Gallileo figaro-Magnifico-

But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
He's just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life for this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-, will you let me go-
Bismillah! No-, we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! We will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go-let him go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go- oooh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no-
Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,
for me-
for me-

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can love me and leave me to die-
Oh Baby-Can't do this to me baby-
Just gotta get out-just gotta right outta here-

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters-, nothing really matters to me,

Anyway the wind blows...

[Darksheare]

Anything by FORD. "Quality is job one!" *Said while trying hard not to laugh*

[dirtboy]

Exactly, I drove a 77 pinto in high school. If I floored it I got to about 62 miles per hour - and it shook pretty badly.

I learned to drive in a 1974 Pitno station wagon. Then went from that to a 69 Cougar XR7 with a 351 Cleveland. Hehehe... That Cougar wasn't that great off the line, but punch it and it could beat any car around from 20 to 70 mph...

[Jorge]

Ugliest thing on the road. I lobbied for an ugliness tax for every Seville owner.

It always reminded me of the way a dog stands when taking a crap.

ROFL! The best description of the Seville I've ever read. Perfect.

[Jorge]

I can't believe no one has mentioned the Taurus. Any year. What turd-boxes.

Probably because the Taurus was the #1 best selling car for 5 or 6 years straight, which means few people would agree with you. I've never heard anyone who owned one complain about the quality.

[edwin hubble]

The list is fatally flawed. Pinto and Vega are not on it.


Edsel doesn't belong on the list for its engineering.

For driving, the Corvair was great fun... that counts for something.

[Jorge]

They forgot about the Chevy Vega and the melting aluminum engine block....

I remember when we were teenagers my friends father bought a brand new Vega. We used to cram a bunch of freaks into it and drive around smoking pot and drinking beer.
It turned into a piece of crap so fast it was unbelievable.
His father sold it to him for $1 when it was a year old. LOL

[another cricket]

No, the best thing you could say about this car is that it was capable of turning multiple 360s on light ice.

I see you had one too. Driving from Columbus to Athens in a snowstorm was...was... well you couldn't call it boring!

a.cricket

[Temple Owl]

I bought a brand new '64 rambler station wagon. It was by far the worst car I ever owned. It had no power and it really wouldn't start if it were raining out. I hated that vehicle but I had three little boys and a mortgage. I kept it much longer than I should have.
American motors put out the biggest losers.

[boris]

Remember that (Chrysler New Yorker?) that had concave side panels and a rear window that sloped backward? Hands down the ugliest car ever made.

--Boris

[Bullish]

What about all the terrible dodges like the "swinger" and the "scamp"? Surely, they've earned their place on the list.

[Tequila Mockingbird]

After having the misfortune of experiencing 3 of your awful 13 list, my vote go's to the Pacer. My family's Pacer flashed an idiot light and overheated terminally on a road trip during the first week we owned it! I think my father shamed the dealer into giving back our trade in.

[secret garden]

Now all we need is for some clever Freeper to post the descriptions of drivers for different cars, i.e. the guy who drives a Volvo station wagon is telling the world he's deathly afraid of his wife.