Lawyer torn to pieces in court by witty thief

A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand.

Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?

Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you.

Chrysler: Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would...

Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler – for let us assume that that is your name – you are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.

Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.

Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.

Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can.

Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?

Chrysler: It doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which doesn't believe in itself. You know – "Perhaps I will describe the reason I had to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't... Perhaps I'll sing a little song instead..."

Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more likely to say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?

Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?

Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.

Sure sounds like one to me!! Since it's Friday, and we're having fun, here's one for ya'! ;)

The sketch:

(Scene opens in a courtroom: Usual set up with a judge, clerk of the court and defense counsel sitting in the well af the court. The defendant is in the witness box. Superimposed caption on screen : 'CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT')
Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

Foreman: (MICHAEL) We have m'lud.

Judge: And how do you find the defendant? (the foreman puts his hand out with two fingers extended) Two words. (the foreman nods and holds up one finger) First word. (the foreman mimes taking a piece of string and tying it in knot) Rope? String?

(The foreman shakes his head and points to the knot.)

Counsel: Point?

Clerk: Belt?

Judge: Tie?

(The foreman nods and points to the knot.)

Counsel: Cravat? Silk square?

Clerk: Knot?

(The foreman nods enthusiasticaly.)

All: Knot!

(The foreman gives a thumbs up and points to his second finger.)

Judge: Second word. (foreman indicates two syllables) Two syllables. (the foreman points to his first finger) First syllable. (the foreman starts to mime a fish while pointing at his throat) Bird?

Clerk: Swimmer?

Judge: Breast stroke.

Counsel: Brian Phelps.

Judge: No, no, no, he was a diver.

Clerk: Esther Williams then.

Judge: No, no, don't be silly. How can you find someone 'Not Esther Williams'.

Counsel: Fish. (the foreman nods and points at throat) Fish wheeze. Fish wheeze?

Judge: Fish breathe.

Counsel: Fish breathe, throat.

Judge: Fish breathe, throat? GILL! (the foreman gives a thumbs up and the court applauds excitedly) Not gill. (the foreman mimes the second syllable) Second syllable. Not gill.

(Foreman mimes drinking a cup of tea.)

Counsel: Drink.

Clerk: Sip? Imbibe?

(The foreman points to the mimed cup itself.)

Judge: Not gill ... cup? Not gillcup! (the foreman looks disappointed) You have been found not gillcup of the charges made against you and may leave this court a free man. Right. My turn. (the defendant leaves.)

(The judge holds up four fingers.)

Counsel: Four words.

(The judge mimes shouting for the first word.)

Foreman: First word shout?

Counsel: Bellow?

Clerk: Call?

All: Call!

(The judge gives a thumbs up and indicates that the second word is very small.)

Counsel: Second word is very small.

Foreman: A?

Counsel: An?

Clerk: Up?

Foreman: The?

(The judge gives a thumbs up.)

All: The!

Clerk: Call the, third word:

(The judge points to his neck.)

Counsel: Gill?

Member of Jury: Fish?

Clerk: Adam's apple. (the judge shakes his head) Neck. (the judge mime 'sounds like) Sounds like neck?

Second Counsel: Next.

Foreman: Call the ... next!

(The judge gives a thumbs up and indicates that the fourth word is three Syllables. First syllable: he mimes deafness.)

Clerk: Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable ... ear?

Counsel: Hear. Can't hear.

Clerk: Deaf!! Call the next def-.

(The judge leaps onto the desk and points at his own bottom.)

Counsel: Bottom.

Clerk: Seat? Trouser? Cheek?

Foreman: End! Call the next defend-.

(The judge leaps down, disappears under the desk and appears with an enormous model of an ant about four feet long.)

Whole Court: Ant!

Clerk: Call the next defendant! (the court applauds the judge who bows and sits; the whole mood changes) Call the next defendant. The Honourable Mr Justice Kilbraken. (a very elderly judge in full robes comes into the dock) If I may charge you m'lud, you are charged m'lud that on the fourteenth day of June 1970, at the Central Criminal Court, you did commit acts likely to cause a breach of the peace. How plead you m'lud, guilty or not guilty?

Judge Kilbraken: Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned.

(He hits the dock. Everyone gets up and starts walking out talking to each other.)

Judge: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (they all stop, go back and sit down again) No, you're in the dock, m'lud.

Judge Kilbraken: I'm a judge, m'lud.

Judge: So am I, m'lud, so watch it.

Judge Kilbraken: Hah! Call this a court.

All: Call this a 'court. Call this a court..Call this a court.

Judge: Shut up. Right now get on with the spiel.

Counsel: M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution will endeavour to show m'lud, that m'lud - ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud, m'lud, while passing sentence at the Central Criminal Court blotted his copy book. Call exhibit Q.

Judge: Q:?

Counsel: Sorry did I say Q:? I meant A. Sorry, call exhibit A. Clerk Call exhibit A.

(Two court ushers carry in a thing with a sheet over it. They pull off the sheet to reveal a very sexy girl in a provocative pose.)

Counsel: Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Rita Thang, an artist's model, Swedish accordion teacher and cane-chair sales lady, was found guilty under the Rude Behaviour Act in the accused's court. The accused, m'iud, sentenced her 'to be taken from this place and brought round to his place'.

Other Counsel: Objection, m'lud.

Judge Kilbraken: Objection sustained.

Judge: You shut up! Objection overruled.

Counsel: The accused then commented on Miss Thang's bodily structure, made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of fun and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low moans.

Judge: Have you anything to say in your defence?

Judge Kilbraken: I haven't had any for weeks.

Judge: Oh no? What about that little number you've got tucked away in Belsize Park?

Judge Kilbraken: Oh, I never!

Judge: Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Judge Kilbraken: All right then what about 8a Woodford Square?

Judge: You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason.

Counsel: M'lud if we could continue ...

Judge Kilbraken: He's got a Chinese bit there.

Judge: No, that's contempt of court.

Judge Kilbraken: It was only a joke.

Judge: Contempt of court. However, I'm not going to punish you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to South Africa. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, England makes you sick. Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa? You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right. Well I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.

Judge Kilbraken: Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

(Court reacts expectantly. Cut to suburban house. The three members of the Spanish Inquisition suddenly belt out of the door and down the path.)

(Dick Barton music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.)

Ximinez: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.

(Credits start superimposed.)

Biggles: Look they've started the credits.

Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.

Biggles: Come on hurry. Hurryl

(We see shots of them coming through London.)

Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left. (more shots of the bus going through London; the credits reach the producer) Hell, it's the producer - quick!

(They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room. They burst in.)

Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish... ('The End' appears) Oh bugger!

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High court hang-ups

'Why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?'

Miles Kington

15 October 2002