Aviation Humor

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Gosh yes.

I will never forget that eight point roll, on the deck, into the dead engine. And then - the quietest crowd I've ever been in, when he feathered the second engine. Thirty thousand people on the ramp, and you could hear that bird swooshing throught the sky.

And then raving about it on the ride home, only to hear my old man say it was nothin' compared to watching Harold Johnson loop a Ford Trimotor right out of the takeoff roll, or Bevo Howard cut a ribbon six feet above the runway - inverted - with his hands clasped outside the cockpit.

Ah well, at least I wasn't born too late to see Hoover fly.

Obligatory thread contribution:
Propeller - fan whose purpose is to keep the pilot cool (turn it off and watch him sweat).

Subject: FLYING AGAIN SOON?

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Captain Ollie and Co-pilot Lars, both Norwegian, were flying a DC-3 on an approach through IFR conditions.

"Ven ve break out of da clouds start looking for the field! Ve're low on gas!", said Ollie to Lars.

"Yah sure, Capt'n. Ya betcha!" responded Lars.

Just then the plane broke through the cloud layer.

"There's the field Capt'n!" exclaimed Lars.

"Okey-dokey! Now that's a really short field! Lars, be ready to call airspeed and give me a trud of flaps!"said the Captain. "Ve'll have to really brake hard!"

"Gear down, Lars!'

"Roger!" said Lars.

"You bet'cha, Capt'n! Airspeed is 120 now. You got the centerline!" said Lars admiringly.

The DC-3 entered a steep approach. Ollie shouted to Lars, "Give me 2 truds flaps".

"2 truds flaps, airspeed 100!" Lars shouted. Both could see that the field was very short.

"Full flaps!" demanded Ollie. "Help me stand on da brakes vent ve land!! pleaded the Captain.

"Roger! 85 on the airspeed" shouted Lars.

The faithful DC-3 touched down ,and both pilots hit the breaks while dumping flaps and killing power. A mighty schreeching was heard as the plane threatened to tip over!

"More back pressure, Lars!Harder on the brakes!" Ollie screamed and was terrified to see the end of the runway almost upon them.

Ollie and Lars held their breath, and the old DC-3 stopped just on the edge of the runway with only inches to spare.

"Lars, I betcha that vas the shortest field I've ever landed on!" said Ollie as he mopped his brow.

"Yah sure,that it is, Capt'in!" responded Lars as he turned his head looking out the left side and then the right side.

"But, you know capt'n", said Lars wonderingly."It sure is the videst darn runway I've ever landed on , too!"

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