Posted on 10/08/2002 6:00:35 PM PDT by Gamecock
Aviation Humor
Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#!+!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
---------------
I saw Hoover perform 35 years ago at DuPage Airport, alongg with Bob Klein and some others. Klein apparently seldom look out of the cockpit during acrobatics. He had a diagram of the alltimiter readings etc. of the moves taped to the panel that he used.
IFR - I follow roads.
I know that one's true. I ran a skiff all around Chub Cay, there's airplanes in the water (under water) all over the place. Most of them crashed drug planes.
"Und dere I vas at 4,000 ft... a Fokker in front of me, a Fokker in back of me, a Fokker above me!"
At this point, some of the ladies became nervous about his language. The chairperson lady then said, "Please don't be alarmed, Ladies. A Fokker is a type of German airplane... isn't that right, Mr.Olsen?"
"Yah, yah, dat is right, but these Fokkers vas flyin' Messerschmitts!"
Q: How do you know there's a pilot in the room?
A: He'll tell you.
Now that is a funny joke....
Why thank you! I have traveled all over the world and Charleston is my favorite city. Now if they would just do something about Fritz "Foghorn Leghorn" Hollings...
He and his pax walked away. But classic Hoov was that he went back to the FBO that fueled him, and when he heard the kid had already been fired, insisted that the FBO give him another chance. "I want that same kid to fuel my Mustang for the show tomorrow."
Class act, but Hoover denies it was altruism. He says that under the circumstances, he figured the line boy would take extra care. Since the show came off OK, I guess he was right. I wonder where that line boy is now?
bootless and SBeck, pinged you to a flyin' thread. I figured you wouldn't mind.
Anybody going to AOPA?
d.o.l.
Criminal Number 18F
Thank God my car does not have wings....
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.