ACHMED'S MAILBOX Advice for the Islamically Challenged

09/01/02 | Vanity</b>

[genefromjersey]

Editors' Note : Our original Correspondent,Mullah Achmed, whose advice column, "ACHMED SEZ ", was followed daily by millions of the Faithful, was transported-quite suddenly- into Paradise, when the ( Ptoo ! ) Infidel Crusaders dropped one of their (Satanic) "Smart Bombs" into the Mullah's blessed vicinity-( Death to the Infidel Dogs ! )

We,the (Holy !) Mullah's devoted servants,have decided,(Allah willing )to try to respond to some of the Mullah's still-unanswered mail,so that his blessed Legacy may continue.

Sheik X of Oman writes : Dearly beloved of Allah: My sons,who are in their early teens, have begun to pester about going into town with me, on those occasions when it is my sacred duty to inspect the "fleshpots" for signs of corruption and immorality. This would be a grave inconvenience, and I am considering having them beheaded for their impertinence. Have you ( O Beloved of Allah ! ) any advice ??

Dear Sheik X:

It is written in the Sharias thusly:

The Prophet ( May his name be praised ! )
Says: "Treat your young sons gently-
Should they wish to go to town,
Let them trot behind your Bentley. "

[weegee]

Mullah-Sam,
Do you like
green eggs and ham?

Would you eat them
in a box?
Would you eat them
with some lox?

Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Eat them! Eat them!
Here they are.

You may like them.
See what your missin'.
You could share them
with a Christian!

[MadIvan]

Dear Mullah Achmed:

Not satisfied with his own 13 wives and assorted concubines, plus the camels in the back garden, I caught my neighbour being most wanton with my pet goat Shakira.

So my question to you, almighty and most noble purveyor of Allah's wisdom, is what body parts should I smite from him, or should I just steal his concubine collection and move to Jersey City?

Regards,

Faisal ibn Saud Al Hejaz Goldsmith

[genefromjersey]

The blessings of Allah upon you ! -BUT :

I would not eat them in a car
I would not scoop them from a jar
I would not eat them with hareem
Or falafel with sour cream.

The ham is not halal you see
The Prophet would enrag-ed be
( Bless his Name and History ! )

[genefromjersey]

O Belov-ed of the Prophet ( His Name be Praised ! ) :

The Prophet ( What a mensch ! ) hath writ:
"Shouldst someone tup thy favored goat
Thou mayest fling him in the moat
For crocodiles and such to gnaw .
Be resolute ! That is the Law !

[weegee]

My neighbor has taken my goat for his sexual release.

I have retreived my goat but would like to know if it is halal to milk this goat?

Should I stone her to death? If I do kill the goat, can I eat the meat or is that not halal?

Oh wa ta gu siam.

[genefromjersey]

The prophet says : ( And this I quote )
He that drinketh milk from goat
That lieth with his neighbor, Sid
Hath cause to wonder : Is the milk Halal ?
I hardly think so ! Not at all !!

Since Sidney's patronym is Mosher
It's far more likely to be Kosher-
It thus would fail Halal inspection
Because of suspect gene injection.

[weegee]

Forget ACHMED'S MAILBOX, I want to know what's in ACHMED's LUNCHBOX.

[aShepard]

Oh most wise one, praise be to him, I am but a lowly servant and truly unwise in the ways of life and happiness, Praise be to Allah.

Master, and most wise Mullah, my predicament is but the following. I have been invited to my neighbors cave to witness the September 11 ceremonies on that most evil of Jewish inventions, the big screen television.

I am pondering, and I am most certain of your proper direction, may I bring my ceremonial bongo drums to witness the destruction of the infidel's twin towers?

[weegee]

Is having a Slave (girl) for sex nowdyas is allowed?

"One question that still remains is whether slavery still legally prevails anywhere in the Islamic world and whether it can be successfully implemented in this age. "

"Firstly, the prisoners have to be captured in 'Jihaad' in the true sense of the word. Then again, If true 'Jihaad' did break out somewhere, there are still a number of other laws and conditions to abide by which are far too stringent for any Islamic country in the world to abide by in this time and age when people's personal gains and whims and desire are being given preference to over Islamic Law. According to Islamic Law, captive female prisoners are also part and parcel of the booty. One fifth of the booty has to be first distributed to the needy, orphans, etc. The remaining four-fifths should then be distributed among the soldiers who participated in the war. The distribution can only take effect after the booty is brought into Islamic territory. The Ameerul-Mu'mineen (Head of the Islamic State) remains the guardian of the female prisoners until he allocates them to the soldiers. Only after a soldier has been allotted a slave girl, and made the owner of her, will she become his lawful possession. After she spends a period called 'Istibraa', which is the elapse of one menstrual period, It becomes permissible for her owner to have relations with her. After possession of the slave too there are a number of other laws that affect the master and slave. There is hardly any Islamic country today that can abide to all these conditions, with the result that it is quite difficult to implement slavery in this time and age. "

[weegee]

How do you plan to watch such programming?

Is it stealing to get tv service & not pay?

Is it acceptable to unscramble cable TV signals?

Apart from the issue of illegally descrambling the signals, the contents of the vast majority of TV programs and channels, if not completely Haraam to view, are certainly dubious.

[aShepard]

"If a slave woman becomes pregnant from her owner, and delivers his child, she automatically gets her freedom after the death of her master whose child she gave birth to."

Achmed, you would be most advised to watch your six, with praise be to him.

[pyx]

The short answer from these barbarians is, YES.

[weegee]

They are more emphatic in their "No" with regards to eating shrimp, crabs, or lobster.

[genefromjersey]

Okay, one and all :

I hope you've had half as much fun with this thread as I have...BUT, it's time to snip it right here, while a few of you are still smiling.

So,as the Prophet ( May his Name, etc. ) might say :

" A-thee-ah thee-ah-they-at's all folks !!!

[BeAllYouCanBe]

" ( May Allah grant you swift voyage ! "

My journey day 2. Oh, woe is me, woe is me, I suffer and there is sand piled in all of my body cavities. My I be spared this in the future! This is the pleasant time of year here in my home country weather-wise and normally we have sand storms only 2-3 times a week. I have been through 3 vicious storms already – in just two days!! I have not slept and must carry two exhausted goats because they are so weak. I have been beaten by bandits and I need water for me and the goats. I press on great on because of your sage advice to go to Dogless college in America. Only one as wise as your Mullahship could direct me like this. Before I met you I was like a worm crawling in the intestines of a pig covered in excrement.

Great mullah you have set me on a course that only you know the outcome. I press on through adversity – please give me words of encouragement! Al-Achmed

[weegee]

I am a truck driver living in the USA. My parents live in the Boston and one of my sisters, who lives in Brookline, is married to an American.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence, for the rape & murder of a teenage girl in 1994. The other went to Afghanistan to jihaad.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in New Orleans and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam.

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

[paulklenk]

ACHMED SEZ
WASH YOUR FEZ
WIPE YOUR BUTT AND
EAT YOUR PEZ

PLASTIC PIE, PLASTIC PIE
SHOT A SPASTIC IN THE EYE
ALLAH HEAL'D THAT SPASTIC'S EYE!
HAIL TO ALLAH, PLASTIC PIE

[weegee]

"Don't forget to wipe!"