Posted on 07/06/2002 5:00:19 AM PDT by buccaneer81
A 'marriage strike' emerges as men decide not to risk loss
By Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson
Katherine is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirtysomething software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan syndrome: They refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up."
However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man.
"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31-year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry.
"I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment - wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again."
Census figures suggest that the marriage rate in the United States has dipped 40 percent during the last four decades to its lowest point since the rate was measured. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike."
It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Katherine, and has two children. There is a 50 percent likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does, the odds are 2-1 it will be Katherine, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband. Studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.
While the courts may grant Dan and Katherine joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Katherine, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Overnight, Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad" - a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every seven days with his own children.
Once Katherine and Dan are divorced, odds are at least even that Katherine will interfere with Dan's visitation rights.
Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.
Katherine will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take-home pay to Katherine in child support.
As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.
He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.
He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back.
"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk."
Dianna Thompson is the founder and executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. She can be contacted by e-mail at DThompson2232@aol.com. Glenn Sacks writes about gender issues from the male perspective. He invites readers' comments at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
And, the same goes for the "women." If I were a guy, I wouldn't commit to these bozos either.
The feminist movement destroyed the family. Women were convinced that marriage was dumb and they should give it away for free in order to be "free" and men got used to getting it for free. However, when they let go of the responsibility that comes with marriage and children they lost many legal rights. That fathers were so successfully disassociated from their children in the womb and could not assert their right to stop an abortion was a major victory for those who would destroy the family.
No fault divorce has seduced some women to overlook this quality when things get a little tough in a marriage as they always do.
I think that I left something out. Let's try again.
"If I were a guy looking for a good woman, I wouldn't commit to these bozos either."
Of course the judicial system has a lot to do with this! Why do you think they are not getting married????? Not wanting to marry does not mean they do not want to have sex. Oh, and last time I heard it takes two....
That's exactly how I feel about my wife. She doesn't have a vindictive bone in her body and I am lucky to have found her. So many of my friends and family members were not so lucky and it has costed them enormously. My wife's mother is a different story however. She has been divorced and is always looking for a man with money to latch on to. A truly miserable person and if my wife ever decided to leave me, she would be in her glory and would happily connive with her daughter to take me for evey penny.
Best statement of the thread. Reminds me of the parable in the Bible of the fellow that hires some people in the morning to do some work for an agreed 1 buck. Later in the day (say midday) he hires some more and says they will be paid fairly, then in the evening he hires a couple more people. Well at the end of the day, he pays them all equally 1 buck. The ones that worked all day complained they should be paid more. But life ain't always "fair" is it. Get over it and go on. The wise know this and keep moving along...
It's still not free just by not marrying the women if you still have to pay child support for children she might have outside of marriage.
This is going to get me thouroughly flamed, but ... women seem to a have a potential for pettiness unknown in men and a capacity to lie convincingly on almost any subject. The prevalent legal and social structures now encourage these character flaws and the consequences for men, for children and for our future are quite negative. If all little girls had been required to attend Catholic parochial school where the nuns brook no female nonsense, we would all be living in a better adult world, and I am not even Catholic. All young men, likewise, should have been required to do a stint in the army, with the same objective.
It's a daily thread. Jim Rob should give it it's own forum.
Pre-nups usually take care of assets acquired BEFORE marriage, as I understand it. And, then there is the emotional cost when these "liberated women" decide to leave for greener pastures.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.