Posted on 03/23/2002 9:52:06 AM PST by jesterhazy
I hate your politics.
No, I don't know what they are. And no, I probably don't know who you are, either. Really, those two points are immaterial (no offense). As it turns out about, about 46% of you are liberal, 46% of you are conservative, and the rest of you just want your guns, drugs and brothels (here in the US, we call them folks "libertarians").
Each of you carries baggage from your political affiliation, and all of that baggage has a punky smell to it, like one of your larger species of rodent crawled in and expired in your folded underwear. Listening to any of you yammer on about the geopolitical situation is enough to make one want to melt down one's dental fillings with a beeswax candle and then jam an ice pick into the freshly-exposed nerve, just to have something else to think about. It's not so much that politics brings out the worst in people than it is that the worst in people goes looking for something to do, and that usually ends up being politics. It's either that or setting fires in trashcans.
In the spirit of fairness, and of completeness, let me go down the list and tell you what I hate about each major branch of political thinking.
Liberals: The stupidest and weakest members of the political triumvirate, they allowed conservatives to turn their name into a slur against them, exposing them as the political equivalent of the kid who lets the school bully pummel him with his own fists (Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself). Liberals champion the poor and the weak but do it in such condescendingly bureaucratic ways that the po' illedumacated Cleti would rather eat their own shotguns than associate with the likes of them. Famously humorless and dour, probably because for a really good liberal, everything is political, and you just can't joke about things like that.
Defensive and peevish even when they're right. Under the impression that people in politics should play fair, which is probably why they get screwed as often as they do (nb: 2000 Presidential election). Feel guilty about the freedoms their political positions allow them, which is frankly idiotic. Liberals are politically able to have all sorts of freaky mammal sex but typically don't; good liberal foreplay is a permission slip and three layers of impermeable barriers. The only vaguely liberal person we know of who seemed to enjoy sex in the last 30 years is Clinton, and look what he got out of it.
Fractious and have no sense of loyalty; will publicly tear out the intestines of those closest to them at the most politically inopportune times. The attention spans of poultry; easily distracted from large, useful goals by pointless minutiae. Not only can't see the forest for the trees, can't see the trees for the pine needles. Deserve every bad thing that happens to them because they just can't get their act together. Too bad those they presume to stand for get royally screwed as well.
Conservatives: Self-hating moral relativists, unless you can convince me that an intellectual class that publicly praises family values but privately engages in sodomy, coke and trophy wives is more aptly described in some other way. Not every conservative is an old wealthy white man on his third wife, but nearly every conservative aspires to be so, which is a real waste of money, youth, race and women. Genuinely fear and hate those who are not "with" them -- the sort of people who would rather shit on a freshly-baked cherry pie than share it with someone not of their own tribe.
Conservatives believe in a government by the oligarchy, for the oligarchy, which is why the conservative idea of an excellent leader is Ronald Reagan, i.e., genial, brain-damaged and amenable to manipulation by his more mentally composed underlings. Under the belief they own the copyright on Jesus and get testy when other political factions point out that technically Christ is in the public domain. Conservatives don't actually bother to spend time with people who are not conservative, and thus become confused and irritable when people disagree with them; fundamentally can't see how that's even possible, which shows an almost charming intellectual naiveté. Less interested in explaining their point of view than nuking you and everything you stand for into blackened cinders before your evil worldview catches on like a virus. Conservatives have no volume control on their hate and yet were shocked as Hell when Rush Limbaugh went deaf.
Conservatives clueless enough to think that having Condi Rice and Andrew Sullivan on the team somehow counts as diversity. Pen their "thinkers" like veal in think tanks rather than let them interact with people who might oppose their views. Loathe women who are not willing to have their opinions as safely shellacked as their hair. Let their sons get caught with a dime bag and see how many are really for "zero-tolerance." Let a swarthy day laborer impregnate their daughters and find out how many of them are really pro-life.
Libertarians: Never got over the fact they weren't the illegitimate children of Robert Heinlein and Ayn Rand; currently punishing the rest of us for it. Unusually smug for a political philosophy that's never gotten anyone elected for anything above the local water board. All for legalized drugs and prostitution but probably wouldn't want their kids blowing strangers for crack; all for slashing taxes for nearly every social service but don't seem to understand why most people aren't at all keen to trade in even the minimal safety net the US provides for 55-gallon barrels of beans and rice, a crossbow and a first-aid kit in the basement. Blissfully clueless that Libertarianism is just great as long as it doesn't actually involve real live humans.
Libertarians blog with a frequency that makes one wonder if they're actually employed somewhere or if they have loved ones that miss them. Libertarian blogs even more snide than conservative blogs, if that's possible. Socially slow -- will assume other people actually want to talk about legalizing hemp and the benefits of a polyamorous ethos when all these other folks really want is to drink beer and play Grand Theft Auto 3. Libertarianism the official political system of science fiction authors, which explains why science fiction is in such a rut these days. Libertarians often polyamorous (and hope you are too) but also somewhat out of shape, which takes a lot of the fun out of it.
Easily offended; Libertarians most likely to respond to this column. The author will attempt to engage subtle wit but will actually come across as a geeky whiner (Conservatives, more schooled in the art of poisonous replies, may actually achieve wit; liberals will reply that they don't find any of this humorous at all). Libertarians secretly worried that ultimately someone will figure out the whole of their political philosophy boils down to "Get Off My Property." News flash: This is not really a big secret to the rest of us.
I'm guessing you thought I was way off on your political philosophy but right on the button about the other two. Just think about that for a while.
-- JS
Agreed. The nasty, liberal-mantra slurs against President Reagan ('brain dead') sort of telegraphed his real sympathies too but according to him, only conservatives 'nuke' political opponents. Uh huh.
Noooooo, John Scalzi isn't a liberal, he just writes like one. Nice try John; portray liberals as well-intentioned pushovers (this from the creators of the 'Politics of Personal Destruction') who argue internally while the big, bad, mean, cold-hearted conservatives 'beat them up'.
The 2000 election take was the capper; the Democracts got screwed? Since that will be the liberal orthodoxy for the next century or so regarding the thwarted Democrat theft of the 2000 election, Scalzi's 'moral relativist' nonsense directed at conservatives was hollow. Of course he assumes to trump any argument with his 'you all stink' pose, thus shielding his opinions from complaints from any corner, while still making the liberals look good by comparison with the nasty conservatives and the silly Libertarians. Clever, amusing but insincere.
Thanks!
For a while there, things looked really bleak....
Sodomy or vote Hillary! in 2004
Sodomy or vote Hillary! in 2004
"Well? What's it gonna be?"
Don't rush me! I'm thinkin'! I'm thinkin'!!
----------------------------
I'll say! Just look at the Democrats' smear campaign against Ralph Nader. Was that disgusting or what? I don't remember who said it, but I've heard it once said that when leftists start a firing line, they form in a circle.
L
"Conservatives: Self-hating moral relativists...but privately engages in sodomy...nearly every conservative aspires to be so...Conservatives have no volume control on their hate...Pen their "thinkers"...rather than let them interact with people who might oppose their views"
"Libertarians: ...currently punishing the rest of us...Easily offended; Libertarians most likely to respond to this column."
LIBERTARIANS/CONSERVATIVES:...The author will attempt to engage subtle wit but will actually come across as a geeky whiner (Conservatives, more schooled in the art of poisonous replies, may actually achieve wit; liberals will reply that they don't find any of this humorous at all). Libertarians secretly worried that ultimately someone will figure out the whole of their political philosophy boils down to "Get Off My Property"
Let me take a guess. The liberals are right and have useful goals, the conservatives are self-hating moralists that "hate", and the libertarians are only concerned about "their" property.
Full of hate and pretending to be open-minded, got to be a liberal infiltrator.
Actually, all three of the summaries are shallow and impertinent.
Sorry forgot to re-review before posting.Lost last sentence.
You are joking right??
He might, in fact, be great fun at parties after the third or fourth "freshening" of drinks, which would put his audience on the cusp of DUI, arrests for which would cause conservatives to be embarrassed and hire lawyers to defend them, liberals to blame their hosts and hire lawyers to prosecute them and libertarians to claim that police had no right to stop them in the first place, much less measure their body chemistry, and sue the government on that basis.
This was a great article. It caused me to laugh, grind my teeth, and think about several things. Luckily, after reading it, I'm still as wonderful as I was before.
To those of you who don't believe that, I'm going to get angry, then lose my sense of humor, then go cruising for illegal drugs and cheap, tawdry sex.
Can anyone spot me $20? Just until payday. Umm, make that $50.
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