Cowboy Guide to Life (Texas Humor Break)

18 March 2002 | Unknown

[PetroniDE]

1. "DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON!"

2. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

3. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

4. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

5. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

6. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

7. Always drink upstream from the herd.

8. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

9. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

10. The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

11. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

14. If a someone says there ain't no God, tell'em to go tell the cow, she'll understand better.

[Texas Gal]

I've heard that a Texan ain't nothin but a mexican on his way to Oklahoma.

Yeah, yeah, sure, go tell it to Santa Ana.

[Happygal]

One for Carl? :-)

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Do ya'll know why Texas doesn't fall off into the Gulf of Mexico?

Because Oklahoma sucks......

[cactmh]

I thought I recognized your name. You are Mary's brother in "Something about Mary!"

Hey Warren, here's your baseball. lol

[cactmh]

Well, your bio on your username page is pretty impressive, however, your comment shows you for what you are.

[Moonmad27]

Hey, no Texas-bashing from this Freeper: I'm a Texan who's IN California. Got the best of both worlds, both of which are wonderful for different reasons.

[Cornjonny]

Just remember folks, it's the COWBOY WAY!!

[connectthedots]

Is there any truth to the "The bigger the belt buckle, the smaller the _________ ?

[Don Carlos]

Oklahoma's motto: Flush twice, Texas needs the water.

[Pablo64]

"It's not called the land of fruits and nuts for nothing!"

Don't forget the flakes! (Just like any good bowl of granola) LOL!! ;~)

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

LOL... I've never heard that one!

My sis lives in Norman... and I think OK is wonderful... the joke is just too funny not to retell....

[MAWG]

........ INCOMING!!!!!........

[humblegunner]

Alaskan: "Our state is bigger than your state!"
Texan: "Not if it melts."

[SpookBrat]

Thanks for the ping ArGee.

I don't want to leave. Waaaaaaaaaaa.....

Ping for the rest of y'all.

[SpookBrat]

Hey now, I live north of Dallas.

I see in your bio you lived in the Hill Country. I grew up in Kerrville. Where 'bouts did you reside?

[SpookBrat]

Don't you DARE take the name of Texas in vain! Take it back!

[MAWG]

HERE'S ONE FOR YOU. ... THIS COWBOY HEADS TO TOWN ONE NIGHT CAUSE HE HEARD GEORGE STRAIGHT WAS PLAYING AT THE LOCAL HONKY TONK.WHEN HE GETS TO THE FRONT DOOR, THE BOUNCER SAYS " YOU CANT COME IN UNLESS YOU'RE WEARING A TIE." STUNNED, THE COWBOY HEADS BACK TO HIS TRUCK AND THEN HE GETS AN IDEA. HE REACHES BEHIND THE SEAT AND COMES UP WITH A SET OF JUMPER CABLES. QUICKLY, HE FASHIONS A TIE AROUND HIS NECK AND HEADS BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR OF THE HONKY TONK. THE BOUNCER SEES HIM, THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN SAYS " ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA LET YOU IN BUT, DONT YOU TRY AND START NUTHIN!"

[MeekOneGOP]

LOL! Thanks!

[Flyer]

Where 'bouts did you reside?

I lived in south Austin once and north Austin once. I know that meant something back then, don't know if it still does. (SAHI!)

I made a couple of the Kerrville Folk Festivals way back when. I almost remember some of that.

[Richard Kimball]

Remember Armadillo World HQ? Soap Creek Saloon? That'll let me know just how old you really are.