Posted on 01/02/2002 6:49:27 AM PST by dead
Is it really so hard to understand, asks Rachel Roberts, that there can be more to a couple's relationship than having children?
I am one of a growing number of women who will elect not to have children. And at least in my experience, the decision to not have children isn't one that is met with much enthusiasm.
From the family, there are comments like "But don't you want us all to have kids playing together at birthday parties and barbecues?" and "I've just always thought that part of a couple's life together is having a family".
From friends, there are protests like "But you'd make such great parents!" or "You've had such a good family life, don't you want to re-create that yourself?"
On the whole, though, the standard response is scepticism. Brush-offs. "Oh, you say that now, but wait till you turn 30!" And "I thought that, too, when I was your age but, trust me, that biological clock really gets you."
Well, I am fast approaching 30 and I have never been surer that I don't want children. My partner feels the same. We have thought about it a lot and have decided time and again that no, it's not for us. We don't want to be woken up at all hours to attend a screaming infant that knows only the need to suck. We don't want to sacrifice our time and energy chasing death-defying toddlers or taxiing around teenagers who have recently learnt to hate us.
More importantly, neither of us (me, especially) wants to see my body torn asunder during childbirth. We already love our life the way it is, child-free. And that is why the brush-off response interests me the most.
It's as though those who either have, or some day want, children refuse to recognise other possibilities in life. They are mentally closing off to paths different from their well-worn one. Particularly for women, it seems that in the face of all political and cultural change, we can always rely on some things staying the same.
Thirty years on from second-wave feminism, people are still incredulous of the woman who declares she doesn't want to be a mother.
Feminists have long argued that the social and political resistance to women who choose to remain child-free reflects a far deeper cultural anxiety about what is expected of women. Traditional femininity is inextricably bound up with notions of mothering, nurturance and birth.
Since day dot, motherhood has been viewed as the natural female career. And now, thanks to an enduring belief in biological determinism, the desire to bear children continues to be seen in terms of instinct, as a drive that is universally hard-wired into the female psyche. To be a normal woman, we must at least want children, even if for some reason we cannot have them.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you say, we've all done Feminism 101 - tell us something we don't know. Well, having experienced the reactions couples meet when revealing that they do not want children, I suspect there is something more at play than simply challenging the traditional ideology that surrounds women. Certainly a woman who elects not to have children is treading a less orthodox path. However, it's not just the woman's decision to not have children that disturbs convention, but the man's as well. As partners they upset traditional understandings of what heterosexual love is about. Why do I think this? Well, when was the last time any of us saw a romantic film where one lover whispers to the other "I love you so much, darling, I never want to have your baby!" It just wouldn't seem right.
From wedding ceremonies to popular culture, we are saturated with the idea that children are the symbol of a man and woman's love for each other. Undoubtedly the outcome of their physical union, children are moreover portrayed as the embodiment of a couple's emotional bond. The place where a man and woman's DNA and souls enmesh.
Having children remains integral to our contemporary mythology of love and desire, and those couples who reject parenthood disappoint our romantic expectations. They let us down by not making what is seen as the ultimate declaration of heterosexual love.
So perhaps that is why society shrugs off couples who don't want children. Perhaps the sceptical comments from family and friends reflect an unwillingness to accept romantic defeat. At the very least, it shows a distinct lack of imagination when it comes to recognising signs of love.
After all, for couples like us, the real romance is in being child-free.
Rachel Roberts is a freelance writer.
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Oompa Loompa doompadee-do, I've got another puzzle for you, Oompa Loompa doompadee-dee, If you are wise you'll listen to me. Who do you blame when your kid is a BRAT, Pampered and spoiled like a siamese cat, Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame, You know exactly who's to blame, The Mother and the Father. Oompa Loompa doompadee dah, If you're not spoiled then you will go far, You will live in happiness too, Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do. |
She and her partner are exactly the types I do not want to reproduce.
In 50 years, she and her ilk will be gone.
You've talked to my parents haven't you.
I had the same reaction.
But that's the beauty of non-procreative sex ... approaches the perfection that is consequence-free, strictly pleasurable, no-strings-attached, "I know EXACTLY what YOU want!" homosexual sex.
Just because something is the best doesn't mean you'll like it. While for many child rearing is apparently wonderful and enjoyable it isn't for everyone. If we all took the same pleasure from the same things it would be a terribly boring world no need for variety in anything, no catering to individual tastes. Thusly some people love children, have a bunch, maybe teach or do other things involving kids; and some people loathe children and seek to create a child free zone in their personal space. That's just how it is. Maybe it's a flaw, or maybe that's just how things are.
glory
Umm, no the skeptical comments come from other women who bought this mumbo jumbo initially only to find down the road that thier "wait and see" skeptics were right. Speaking from experience, my mother and others were absolutely right about just wait and see. With all that said though, I really applaud people who realize they are in fact self obsessed and don't have children instead of having a "novelty" child to brag about at work or something--too many of those types of moms as it is. I just despise when those same self obsessed women try to justify thier childfree choices by putting down perfectly normal women who want children and can not understand the self absorbed outlook of the author. Note to author, they just don't want you to miss out on something so awesome and life changing for the best as having a child ie they care about you. Take it in stride.
If you look hard enough you may see the contradiction.
Yeah right ... save exactly those barriers which make sex truly potent and the absolutely untrammeled, unreserved giving of self 100% percent to another.
Get real.
The rest is just going through the motions. Why else the explosion in accoutrement and celluloid strangers of the "Sexual Revolution". We're sucking a bone that's sere.
Wine was an example I used to take it out of the ethereal (to discuss a specific), and to take remove the importance of the decision (which often clouds the decision, the simplest decision in the world becomes nearly impossible if you assign great significance to it). Taking it down to something easily understood and rather insignificant to illustrate the base mechanism at work.
The mechanism being that some people simply do not like kids and will not like kids no matter what. And all the rave reviews of the joys of parenthood from those that like kids have no bearing on the situation. If someone just plain does not like kids having them will no be "best" and will not lead to them having the best life. Because best, in all things, is a matter of taste and choice and what's best for you has little if any bearing on what's best for me.
haha Don't know about the others, but I can tell you that my kids aren't running around. I've always been that mean ol' mom who makes her kids behave. My childrearing is definitely from the pre-WWII era. I do not automatically assume that everyone is in love with the lil' darlings. :)
If I thought I would have to put up with most of the brats i see today, I would never have had kids, either!
With all due respect...GET OVER IT!
I have children, two of them, and you know what family still "intrudes". Let's face it, anyone who has family is faced with all sorts of "what will you do next questions".What you don't realize is that those of us with children get asked if we'll have more and why or why not CONSTANTLY and with children also come all the other little tidbits of "advice" about what you should or shouldn't do...breastfeed or bottlefeed, homeschool or ps, spanking or not, etc. As far as I see it childfree couples have it easy in this regard because at some point when you get beyond childbearing age, you won't get the comments anymore. Those of us with children will have to listen to other peoples' opinions for a lifetime. I say take it all in stride and if someone does it out of spite than you got bigger problems with that relationship than the nagging.
By the way ... I got a kick out this.
Actually, if you "reconsider" at 50, you might want to consider adoption at that point. There are many children in this world for whom a 50 year old parent is a a thousand times better than no parent at all. :)
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