Posted on 01/02/2002 6:49:27 AM PST by dead
Is it really so hard to understand, asks Rachel Roberts, that there can be more to a couple's relationship than having children?
I am one of a growing number of women who will elect not to have children. And at least in my experience, the decision to not have children isn't one that is met with much enthusiasm.
From the family, there are comments like "But don't you want us all to have kids playing together at birthday parties and barbecues?" and "I've just always thought that part of a couple's life together is having a family".
From friends, there are protests like "But you'd make such great parents!" or "You've had such a good family life, don't you want to re-create that yourself?"
On the whole, though, the standard response is scepticism. Brush-offs. "Oh, you say that now, but wait till you turn 30!" And "I thought that, too, when I was your age but, trust me, that biological clock really gets you."
Well, I am fast approaching 30 and I have never been surer that I don't want children. My partner feels the same. We have thought about it a lot and have decided time and again that no, it's not for us. We don't want to be woken up at all hours to attend a screaming infant that knows only the need to suck. We don't want to sacrifice our time and energy chasing death-defying toddlers or taxiing around teenagers who have recently learnt to hate us.
More importantly, neither of us (me, especially) wants to see my body torn asunder during childbirth. We already love our life the way it is, child-free. And that is why the brush-off response interests me the most.
It's as though those who either have, or some day want, children refuse to recognise other possibilities in life. They are mentally closing off to paths different from their well-worn one. Particularly for women, it seems that in the face of all political and cultural change, we can always rely on some things staying the same.
Thirty years on from second-wave feminism, people are still incredulous of the woman who declares she doesn't want to be a mother.
Feminists have long argued that the social and political resistance to women who choose to remain child-free reflects a far deeper cultural anxiety about what is expected of women. Traditional femininity is inextricably bound up with notions of mothering, nurturance and birth.
Since day dot, motherhood has been viewed as the natural female career. And now, thanks to an enduring belief in biological determinism, the desire to bear children continues to be seen in terms of instinct, as a drive that is universally hard-wired into the female psyche. To be a normal woman, we must at least want children, even if for some reason we cannot have them.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you say, we've all done Feminism 101 - tell us something we don't know. Well, having experienced the reactions couples meet when revealing that they do not want children, I suspect there is something more at play than simply challenging the traditional ideology that surrounds women. Certainly a woman who elects not to have children is treading a less orthodox path. However, it's not just the woman's decision to not have children that disturbs convention, but the man's as well. As partners they upset traditional understandings of what heterosexual love is about. Why do I think this? Well, when was the last time any of us saw a romantic film where one lover whispers to the other "I love you so much, darling, I never want to have your baby!" It just wouldn't seem right.
From wedding ceremonies to popular culture, we are saturated with the idea that children are the symbol of a man and woman's love for each other. Undoubtedly the outcome of their physical union, children are moreover portrayed as the embodiment of a couple's emotional bond. The place where a man and woman's DNA and souls enmesh.
Having children remains integral to our contemporary mythology of love and desire, and those couples who reject parenthood disappoint our romantic expectations. They let us down by not making what is seen as the ultimate declaration of heterosexual love.
So perhaps that is why society shrugs off couples who don't want children. Perhaps the sceptical comments from family and friends reflect an unwillingness to accept romantic defeat. At the very least, it shows a distinct lack of imagination when it comes to recognising signs of love.
After all, for couples like us, the real romance is in being child-free.
Rachel Roberts is a freelance writer.
Congratulations on becoming a Dad! But just wait. It gets even better.
When my daughter was an infant, I remember learning with absolutely astonishment how much playing, teasing, laughing and bonding went on between me and her during diaper changes (most times, anyway).
Now, at three, she watches the Disney movie Fantasia with me, and can point out and name various dinosaurs (pterodactyl, archeopteryx, tyrannosaurus, stegosaurus) as well as identifying by name an amoeba and paramecium. Plus, when I ask her who wrote the dinosaur music, she says "Stravinsky." I get such an amazing kick out of it.
It has been such amazing fun teaching her these things and watching her learn and develop. All three year olds are completely nuts, and it is just too precious to watch.
God bless you and your new family. You are in for a real treat.
For the same reason your married friends wanted to see you get married(MLC)
Misery Loves Company. Just kidding
Your decision seems based in logic and concern for both you and the child. I respect your honesty and logic. As another poster pointed out, her article contains 16 personal pronouns. A little too self absorbed for my tastes. With your comments I see reason and logic. With her article I see self-centered immaturity.
On a side note, I find her unfailing usage of the term "partner" and always prefacing the word love with "hetrosexual" to be very curious.
She is certainly an adequate representative of her narcissistic social set.
I bet he does. Wait until he gets to about 48. Then, the shallow prick dumps you (since your body has failed you). He picks up with a 28 year-old who mothers him, has his children, and stays home with them too!
Listen, I have no problem if people who don't want children don't have them. We already have enough trouble with people who don't want children that do have them. Just try to restrain yourself from killing one if you get pregnant.
This whole piece is a joke. This girl isn't even old enough to know what she wants. She is still in the teenage-self-absorbtion stage. Hopefully, she will grow up before she grows old.
I give her credit for at least admitting that she hates the little kids and can't be bothered. That's one less we will need to rescue from therapy.
One man made a comment about my daughter being misbehaved.
Unfortunately, what that man and others don't know is that my daughter has brain damage. She is a very cute identical twin. When she is acting okay, she is extremely sweet and cute, especially with her twin sister. She is 5 years old and is just starting to talk. When she gets overly tired she has very bad tantrums. I typically don't plan anything in the late afternoons because of her tantrums. Unfortunately, I cannot always plan when she is tired.
Just remember that there are real disabilities that are hidden. Also, you may want to offer the mom help. I'm sure the mom would appreciate it. I know I would.
My daughter got sick at 6 weeks old and could have died. Thank God, she is alive. She walks, rides a bike, swims, and is usually a pretty sweet kid. I just have to put up with tantrums and speech problems. I could have had to deal with death or wheelchairs.
Children are a lot of work, but they are my crown jewels.
But to a certain extent, it is lonely by his choice.
BTW - I visited him when I was in his home town, but I live 1000 miles away...
Stay Safe !
I will answer, and then, since it is easier to attack than to defend, I will respond in kind. First, having children is essential to humankind, if the human race is something which should endure; thus, only under unusual circumstances should people not have children, and cursed with those circumstances, it seems to me that those people are flawed or diminished in light of those in better waters, so to speak.
Also, having children is a boon to those who undertake it--one of the great joys, the grand adventures of the human soul, the blessed gifts of the Almighty--as all things which are difficult but good. Those who partake not in it (let alone those who rend it, may God have mercy on their souls) are left out of a great joy of mankind, for whatever reason, and are thus flawed. Perhaps an arguement could be made that some devote themselves fully to a higher good, and sacrifice that part of their life for Something Higher; and then I would say that those brave souls partake of an adventure which we can have little grasp of--but if we put the ultimate scales aside and weigh in light of the joys of earth alone, I say they are slighted save by blessing and grace from Above. For we of the more human, the lesser reaches of the spirit, I say that children are a blessing not to be lost by one's choosing.
And now I reply: why do you not wish to have children?
There is a fundamental difference between the pleasure of children and the pleasure of something "selfish" that you seem to have overlooked. It's the difference between giving at Christmas and getting your tax return--the first is a response, purely "soulful" if you catch my meaning, in response to an act which diminishes the self; while the second is a response, purely "desireful" (if I may butcher the language a bit), in response to an event which adds to the self. It's the difference between love of something else and love of self. I know not the heart which can't understand this, if only clumsy words could bear it's weight.
Nah, if I reconsidered at 50 I already outlined what I'd do: join Big Brothers. There are a lot of ways one can nurture and excercise the paternal instinct without having children. If someone's reason for having kids is truly based on love and a desire to share and nurture whose genes make the kids won't matter to them.
Perhaps they pity some of them?
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.