Posted on 12/19/2001 4:38:10 PM PST by aculeus
Good on ya mate.
A bunch of surgeons are sitting around in the lounge talking about who are the easiest type of people to operate on.
One surgeon says "I think file clerks are the easiest to operate on because all their parts are labeled, in alphabetical order, and are very organized."
Another surgeon says "I think electricians are the easiest to work on because all their parts are color-coded."
The next surgeon says "I think construction workers are the easiest to work on because they don't mind if the job takes a little longer than expected and there's a few parts left over when you're done."
The fourth surgeon says "I think politicians are the easiest to operate on because they have no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and @$$ are interchangeable!"
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How many skin divers does it take to circumsize a whale?
Four! (four skin divers)
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Two guys are peeing off of a bridge into a river. One says (feeling manly) "Man, that water sure is cold down there." The other says "Yeah, and deep too!"
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A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase. He opens the case and takes out a really small piano. He then sets the case upright on the bar and knocks on it.
A little door opens and a little guy about a foot tall crawls out, gets up, dusts himself off and begins playing the piano, and he's really good!
By this time a crowd has gathered around and the guy is taking requests. The bartender walks over and asks where he can get one of those things. The guy says "Well, I came across this genie in a bottle who granted me a wish. Here, I'll show you."
The guy pulls out a bottle, rubs it, and a genie appears and says to the bartender "I'll grant you only one wish."
The bartender says "Ok, I'd like a million bucks!" POOF! Suddenly there's a million ducks flying around the room. The bartender says "Hey, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The guy says "Do you think I actually wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
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And finally:
A woman is speeding down the freeway and gets pulled over by a cop. When the cop walks up to the window he notices that the lady has four penguins in the back seat.
He tells her "Lady, I'll let you go with a warning if you promise to take these penguins to the zoo." She says "No problem, officer."
The next day the same officer sees the same lady driving down the road with the same penguins in the back seat, but this time they are wearing sunglasses. He pulls her over and says "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo?"
She says "I did take them to the zoo. Today they want to go to the beach!"
Ok, I'm done for now.
He then asks her to lay on the floor against each of the four walls.
She asks "why are you making me do this?"
He replies, "I'm thinking of buying a new leather couch and wanted to get an idea of what it would look like in my office."
From a Hawaiian grandmother to her mainland kinfolk,
Dear Loved Ones,
I just couldn't wait to tell you about a wonderful experience I just had.
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a
"Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the
back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting
experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about
the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed to green. Why, that
bumper sticker really works! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why,
the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord
because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!"
as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting,
"Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned
out my window, waved and smiled to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear
him yelling something about sunshine, and I saw him waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I remembered that when I had
asked my twin grandsons what that meant, that they kind of looked at each
other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, ... so I
leaned out the window and gave the guy the Hawaiian good luck sign right
back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray,
but just then I noticed that the light had changed and I stepped on the gas.
It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the
intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them
a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
I just praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Well, I've got to go now. Y'all be good.
Love ya,
Grandma
1. Hillary Clinton
2.Oprah Winfry
3. Liam Lawlor (Irish politician)
I could go on, but my brain hurts!
So Abe says: "Y'know, I've had some tough times lately and could use a few quid. I'm going in...you wait here."
So Izzie waits across the street and after two hours, Abe emerges.
"So did ya get the money?" Izzie asks.
And Abe says: "Is that all you people ever think about?"
A man is caught in the act of fornicating with a goat, arrested and dragged into court, where the judge gives him a choice between two public defenders. The first is a silver-tongued wonder who can turn black into white. The second, a Johnnie Cochran-style master at picking just the right jury to gain an acquittal.
After a night of agonising in his cell, the accused opts for the Cochran sort, who clears his throat, strikes a solemn pose and begins the defense thus:
"Your honor, my client was observed by numerous witnesses -- none of whose testimony will be contsted, by the way -- in the act of sexual congress with a goat, an unfortunate animal whom he was seen to approach steathily from behind, pants pooled about his ankles, a lascivious leer on his demented face and a tumescent organ grasped in his frenzied hand.
"Further, your honor he was observed sating his depraved lust until, in full view of a public roadway, he was observed in the final act of consummating this illicit and perverted union, all the while bellow rapturous cries of bliss while hollering to the Heavens, "Goddam it! Nothing, but absolutely, nothing beats a goat!"
By this stage the defendant is beside himself. "What have I done?" he thinks. "The maximum penalty for bestiality is 10 years, but the way this lawyer of mine is carrying on, I'll be lucky if they don't sentence me to life imprisonment on bread and water.
But the lawyer is not yet finished ....
"And then, your worship, my client was seen to shuffle from the unfortunate creature's violated nether portions to a position directly in front of the animal's face, where he was further observed to shudder with tremors of obscene delight as the animal licked clean the wilting staff of his malevolent maleness."
Just then, as a stunned quiet descended on the courtroom and the defendant resigned himself to a sentence of nothing less than death, a small voice from the jury broke the stunned silence.
"Licked clean?" the voice was heard to marvel. "Why, a good goat will always do that!"
A: There was a big turnup at the funeral....
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