Posted on 12/19/2001 4:38:10 PM PST by aculeus
"The response has been enormous with over 10,000 jokes submitted and over 100,000 people from over 70 countries rating them," commented Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire in England, who devised "Laughlab".
A joke about Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool emerged the overall winner, with a top rating from 47% of those taking part.
Dr Wiseman stressed that the results were preliminary: "The data collection period will continue till March 2002 when we move to the second phase of the experiment. In the meantime we challenge people to submit a funnier joke."
The experiment also identified the worst jokes, and discovered what men, women, and people of different nationalities find funny. "This is an intriguing finding, and we will be carrying out more research to discover exactly what is going on here," said Dr Wiseman.
One surprising result was that out of 11 nationalities, Germans rated more jokes "very funny" than anyone else. Being easily amused is not the same as having a good sense of humour, however.
One joke which had the Germans in stitches involved a long-winded description of how to tell the weather by placing your dog outside the back door and examining its fur. It ends: "Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, the CAT."
Canada was at the bottom of the list, and Britain in seventh place. Norway's least favourite joke was submitted by UK scientist and presenter, Adam Hart-Davis.
Men and women favour different types of jokes. Top jokes for males involve aggression, putting women down and sexual innuendo. In contrast, females prefer jokes involving word play. "These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour" said Dr Wiseman. "Males use humour to appear superior to others, whilst women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns."
The experiment was devised in collaboration with the British Association for the Advancement of Science as part of Science Year, a British Government initiative which aims to raise awareness of science among young people.
The website (www.laughlab.co.uk) gives people the opportunity to submit jokes and also rate jokes submitted by others on a five-point 'smileometer' scale. Sue Hordijenko of the British Association said: "Laugh Lab looks set to be the most far-reaching psychology experiment ever."
The best joke:
The best joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool, goes like this: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."
The runner-up
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
The worst
The worst jokes, with 74% of people awarding them the lowest rating, are:
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
- Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck
The leading jokes around the world were:
Australia:
A man left for a holiday to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send her an e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her web address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note went to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. PS. Sure is hot down here.
Britain:
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's the tip of the iceberg."
France:
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
Finland:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied: "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Belgium:
"Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't."
Norway:
As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands to attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says: "Well, she was a good wife for 16 years."
Germany:
Why is television called a medium? It is neither rare nor well done.
Sweden:
A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies: "No! This is her husband!"
Canada:
What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? - Beatrix.
New Zealand:
A priest conducts a service in church "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns," he says. The collection box comes back after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated $1,000.
"Who has donated a thousand dollars?" he asks. A women raises her hand. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. Pointing at the three most handsome men in the church she says: "I'll have him, him and him."
Sexes divided by humour
THE following jokes were all loved by men and disliked by women:
While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief, he realises that it is only a parrot mimicking something it had heard. The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?" The parrot says, "Moses." The burglar goes on to ask: "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies: "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus."
A man runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers!" She says: "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies: "I don't care ... just pack and shove off!"
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
In contrast, women preferred jokes involving word plays. The following jokes came top of the ratings for females but were disliked by men:
A man said: "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought: "That's a turn-up for the books."
A man had a dog called Minton. One day it ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out he said bad Minton!
A man walks into a bar with a piece of Tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman: "A pint for me and one for the road."
The vet takes a look at the dog. Vet: He looks like he might be dead, but I am not sure either. I do have a way to find out.
The vet brings out a cat. The cat circles the dog several times and meows, but there is no response from the dog.
Vet: Yep, he's dead alright.
Man: I am sorry to hear that. How much do I owe you.
Vet: $325.
Man: What! Why so much.
Vet: Well, it's $25 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan.
This guy was walking on the beach. As he was walking he saw a woman with no arms and no legs laying by the shoreline.
While he began to walk past her she called him over.."Excuse me sir but can you come here for a sec."
"ok , what do you want"he said
"Well as you can see why, I've never been kissed before do you think you can kiss me"she said.
"Well alright, I guess" he replied. After he kissed her he began to walk away, but once again she called him over..
"Excuse me sir but do you think you can come here again" "What is it now!..."he said as he walked near her again. "Well as you can see why, I've never been f...ed before..Do you think you can f... me?". she said.
The man replied "Sure!". He picked her up tossed her in the ocean and said "Your f...ed Now!!!"
Gee, I had to get out my old high school chemistry book to get that one.....HAA Haa!
I like horse jokes..!!
I don't get it.
I'm Canadian and I don't get it either.
Ten, one to change the bulb, and 9 to brag to about it.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They just sit around in the dark and bitch about it!
'say pal, when you take a dump does the crap stick to your fur'?
the rabbit answers: 'yep, it sure does, buddy'!
so the bear grabs him and wipes his @$$ with him!
a guys car breaks down on a country road. he hears a car approaching and four hooligans get out.
they beat him up, flatten all his tires, take his wallet, tie him to the fence and before leaving they pull his pants down around his ankles.
a bit later he hears another car coming and is overjoyed to see it is a sheriff.
as the sheriff walks up to him he begins to hysterically explain:
'officer, am i glad to see you. my car wouldn't start, 4 punks came and beat me up, tied me to this fence, flattened all my tires and took all my money'!
the officer looks over the scene, unzips his pants and says:
'well boy, i guess it just ain't yer day'!
Russel
This guy lives in Westchester, New York, and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home in Westchester and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies,and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.
He doesn't want to cancel his date, because he's afraid he won't ever get the guts to talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to go use the bathroom. They get to enjoy the rest of the appetizers with- out interruption, but he has to go to the restroom again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly,of course). Unfor- tunately, this little bit of gas comes with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Now, instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away), "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" he says again, with his eyes still trained on his date. "Oh, OK." says the Gap girl. He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out ... just the sweater.
The mistress yells into the back "Hey Rosie, grab two beers and come out here!"
A very burly and hairy woman comes out with the beers and they head off to another room. She slams the door shut and hands him the beers. She then drops trou and bends over.
The guy says "What makes you think I wanna do it like that?"
She says "Nuthin, I thought I'd help ya open yer beers first."
Oh Lord, forgive me...
A: One is a bunch of cunning runts...
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