Posted on 12/19/2001 4:38:10 PM PST by aculeus
The vet takes a look at the dog. Vet: He looks like he might be dead, but I am not sure either. I do have a way to find out.
The vet brings out a cat. The cat circles the dog several times and meows, but there is no response from the dog.
Vet: Yep, he's dead alright.
Man: I am sorry to hear that. How much do I owe you.
Vet: $325.
Man: What! Why so much.
Vet: Well, it's $25 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan.
This guy was walking on the beach. As he was walking he saw a woman with no arms and no legs laying by the shoreline.
While he began to walk past her she called him over.."Excuse me sir but can you come here for a sec."
"ok , what do you want"he said
"Well as you can see why, I've never been kissed before do you think you can kiss me"she said.
"Well alright, I guess" he replied. After he kissed her he began to walk away, but once again she called him over..
"Excuse me sir but do you think you can come here again" "What is it now!..."he said as he walked near her again. "Well as you can see why, I've never been f...ed before..Do you think you can f... me?". she said.
The man replied "Sure!". He picked her up tossed her in the ocean and said "Your f...ed Now!!!"
Gee, I had to get out my old high school chemistry book to get that one.....HAA Haa!
I like horse jokes..!!
I don't get it.
I'm Canadian and I don't get it either.
Ten, one to change the bulb, and 9 to brag to about it.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They just sit around in the dark and bitch about it!
'say pal, when you take a dump does the crap stick to your fur'?
the rabbit answers: 'yep, it sure does, buddy'!
so the bear grabs him and wipes his @$$ with him!
a guys car breaks down on a country road. he hears a car approaching and four hooligans get out.
they beat him up, flatten all his tires, take his wallet, tie him to the fence and before leaving they pull his pants down around his ankles.
a bit later he hears another car coming and is overjoyed to see it is a sheriff.
as the sheriff walks up to him he begins to hysterically explain:
'officer, am i glad to see you. my car wouldn't start, 4 punks came and beat me up, tied me to this fence, flattened all my tires and took all my money'!
the officer looks over the scene, unzips his pants and says:
'well boy, i guess it just ain't yer day'!
Russel
This guy lives in Westchester, New York, and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home in Westchester and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies,and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.
He doesn't want to cancel his date, because he's afraid he won't ever get the guts to talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to go use the bathroom. They get to enjoy the rest of the appetizers with- out interruption, but he has to go to the restroom again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly,of course). Unfor- tunately, this little bit of gas comes with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Now, instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away), "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" he says again, with his eyes still trained on his date. "Oh, OK." says the Gap girl. He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out ... just the sweater.
The mistress yells into the back "Hey Rosie, grab two beers and come out here!"
A very burly and hairy woman comes out with the beers and they head off to another room. She slams the door shut and hands him the beers. She then drops trou and bends over.
The guy says "What makes you think I wanna do it like that?"
She says "Nuthin, I thought I'd help ya open yer beers first."
Oh Lord, forgive me...
A: One is a bunch of cunning runts...
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