Posted on 12/19/2001 4:38:10 PM PST by aculeus
"The response has been enormous with over 10,000 jokes submitted and over 100,000 people from over 70 countries rating them," commented Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire in England, who devised "Laughlab".
A joke about Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool emerged the overall winner, with a top rating from 47% of those taking part.
Dr Wiseman stressed that the results were preliminary: "The data collection period will continue till March 2002 when we move to the second phase of the experiment. In the meantime we challenge people to submit a funnier joke."
The experiment also identified the worst jokes, and discovered what men, women, and people of different nationalities find funny. "This is an intriguing finding, and we will be carrying out more research to discover exactly what is going on here," said Dr Wiseman.
One surprising result was that out of 11 nationalities, Germans rated more jokes "very funny" than anyone else. Being easily amused is not the same as having a good sense of humour, however.
One joke which had the Germans in stitches involved a long-winded description of how to tell the weather by placing your dog outside the back door and examining its fur. It ends: "Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, the CAT."
Canada was at the bottom of the list, and Britain in seventh place. Norway's least favourite joke was submitted by UK scientist and presenter, Adam Hart-Davis.
Men and women favour different types of jokes. Top jokes for males involve aggression, putting women down and sexual innuendo. In contrast, females prefer jokes involving word play. "These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour" said Dr Wiseman. "Males use humour to appear superior to others, whilst women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns."
The experiment was devised in collaboration with the British Association for the Advancement of Science as part of Science Year, a British Government initiative which aims to raise awareness of science among young people.
The website (www.laughlab.co.uk) gives people the opportunity to submit jokes and also rate jokes submitted by others on a five-point 'smileometer' scale. Sue Hordijenko of the British Association said: "Laugh Lab looks set to be the most far-reaching psychology experiment ever."
The best joke:
The best joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa, from Blackpool, goes like this: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."
The runner-up
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
The worst
The worst jokes, with 74% of people awarding them the lowest rating, are:
- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
- Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck
The leading jokes around the world were:
Australia:
A man left for a holiday to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send her an e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her web address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note went to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. PS. Sure is hot down here.
Britain:
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's the tip of the iceberg."
France:
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
Finland:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied: "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Belgium:
"Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't."
Norway:
As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands to attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says: "Well, she was a good wife for 16 years."
Germany:
Why is television called a medium? It is neither rare nor well done.
Sweden:
A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies: "No! This is her husband!"
Canada:
What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? - Beatrix.
New Zealand:
A priest conducts a service in church "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns," he says. The collection box comes back after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated $1,000.
"Who has donated a thousand dollars?" he asks. A women raises her hand. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. Pointing at the three most handsome men in the church she says: "I'll have him, him and him."
Sexes divided by humour
THE following jokes were all loved by men and disliked by women:
While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief, he realises that it is only a parrot mimicking something it had heard. The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?" The parrot says, "Moses." The burglar goes on to ask: "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies: "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus."
A man runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers!" She says: "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies: "I don't care ... just pack and shove off!"
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
In contrast, women preferred jokes involving word plays. The following jokes came top of the ratings for females but were disliked by men:
A man said: "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library." I thought: "That's a turn-up for the books."
A man had a dog called Minton. One day it ate two shuttlecocks. When the owner found out he said bad Minton!
A man walks into a bar with a piece of Tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman: "A pint for me and one for the road."
A Newfoundland sailor walks into a pub in Bristol where the pub owner hates sailors. He orders a beer and a roast chicken. The pub owner hands him the chicken and says, "Eat and enjoy, sailor, but whatever you do to that chicken, I'm going to do to you. You tear a leg off that chicken, I'll tear a leg off you. You tear a wing off that chicken, I'll tear a wing off you. Remember, what you do to that chicken, I do to you, sailor!"
The Newf ponders that for a moment. Then he picks up the chicken, looks at it from all angles. He puts his middle finger into the chicken's rear, pulls out a finger full of stuffing, licks the stuffing off, turns to the pub owner and says, "Your turn."
In their schools, why don't the Taliban (Libyans?) have driver's education and sex education on the same day?
Because it is too hard on the camels.
"It's easy. Just get really drunk, and think you can do it."
So the first guy gets smashed and walks out the window. Splat!
The bartender turns to the second guy and says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk.'
This one's kind of dirty, so don't read it if you're easily offended.
A widower living in a nursing home hooked up with one of the widows. They were very old and frail, so all they did was sit watching TV, and she would hold his penis. After a while, she noticed he wasn't coming around as often, so she followed him around and saw him doing the same thing with someone else.
She asked, "Why? What does she have that I don't have?"
"Cerebral palsy."
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her boobs that he drives off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I think it's too late--he's too far in!"
There must be something wrong with me...I don't find these even mildly amusing! What say you ladies???
LONDON - A foul-mouthed parrot called Percy has been canned from the cast of a British children's pantomime for forgetting his lines and swearing on stage. Percy initially behaved himself as he perched on Long John Silver's shoulder in rehearsals on Tuesday for "Pirates on Treasure Island." But the 17-month-old Amazon parrot stunned the cast at an arts center in Blandford Forum, in western England, when he forgot his lines and let fly a string of expletives. Instead of shrieking the line he was supposed to say - "Pieces of eight" - Percy instead blurted out, "Piss off, mate!" and "Bugger off."
I want to die in my sleep, just like my grandfather
...not yelling and screaming, like the passengers in his car
The author implied men favored jokes which put down women, but then cited the top jokes among men- none of which put down women, BTW. Nor were they particularly 'aggressive.'
Two friends set out on a hunting trip, and one of them stumbles and accidentally shoots the other. Luckily they are still right near a phone and the shooter runs to call 911. He tells the dispatcher "I just accidentally shot my friend! What do I do?"
The dispatcher calmly tells him "first make sure he's dead" The shooters says "OK, hold on."
The dispatcher hears a gunshot and then the man gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what do I do?"
Hey I liked that one!!
In WW 1 our troops were called Doughboys.
In WW 11 They were called GI's.
In the Desert Storm they were called Soldiers.
In this new conflict I guess they will be called
"TALI WHACKERS"
Or maybe Turbanators
"I just saw the strangest thing in the men's room. There was a black man with a white penis!"
The bartender replies "Oh, that's just (eastern european name), the coal miner. He just got back from his honeymoon!"
There once was a maiden from Sparta
Who was known as a champion farta.
From the cheeks of her @$$
Came Bach's B-minor Mass
And selections from La Traviata...
Okay, okay, sorry about that...
A young man and woman who didn't know one another very well met in a motel room for a tryst. They sat facing one another, removing their clothing. She took off her stockings and shoes. He did the same.
His toes were very gnarled and scarred...She recoiled..."What on earth happened to your feet?" she asked.
He replied, "Well, it was tragic. As a child, I had tolio."
"I'm sure you mean polio," she said.
"No, it was tolio. I remember very clearly. Let's get on with this, shall we?" the man urged.
She took off her dress, and he took off his trousers and shirt. To her horror, his knees were a mass of lumps, bumps, scars, and scabs.
"MY WORD!" She shrieked..."WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR KNEES?"
"As a child, I had kneesles. It was complicated by kneemonia, and as you can see, I've almost recovered," the fellow said.
"I know a little about medicine myself," the young woman said, "And there is no such thing as kneesles or kneemonia. It's measles and pneumonia, and they DON'T affect the knees."
"Of course they do!" the young man said, "I'm the one with the problem, I guess I know what the doctor said!" And with that, he took off his underwear.
The young woman took a look and slapped her hand over her eyes. "DON'T tell me! As a child, you had smallcox!"
Hope these aren't too ...er...too, you know, for the forum! If so, my apologies in advance...;-D
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